Sheltered

“I just want to be held,” I say quietly to myself.  Not in a metaphoric, God-sort of way.  But by real arms.  I feel disappointed that this isn’t an option for me at this moment.

Today has been a hard day for me, but not in an easily identifiable way.  There was no specific experience that I could point to as making me sad or down.  Yet, as I was at work, I felt that something was not ok with me internally.  I was depressed, distracted and just wanted to numb out and waste time online. Finally, I heard God whisper, “take a walk.”  With my arms crossed I groaned, “but I don’t want to get up.”  Again, he whispered, “take a walk.”  I eventually got up and went for a walk. 

This is where I walked….

Yes, I sometimes work at a gorgeous retreat center.  As a side note, you’d think that I would go for walks like this all the time when I’m here, but it actually takes the prodding of God to remind me. 

I walk for a bit and then settle on a bench.  It is there that I am able to pour out my heart.  For a while now, I have felt significant sadness over my singleness (but not over my alliteration skills, huzzah).  For months, I just sat on it and despaired.  A couple of months ago I was able to talk to God about it.  In the midst of that, I met someone.  We really clicked and I was swept up into the whirlwind of meeting someone with whom you really connect (which is a rare occasion for me).  Well, long story short, it ended, and not in a particularly kind way.  The experience has been hard for me and made me even more aware of the tenderness of these places in my heart. 

One day as I was driving I recognized in myself a desire to skip the process in my own relational issues.  Instead of working it out slowly (as God often does), I saw in me a hope that “the one” would step in and make it all better.  Or at least, until we had to work it out after we were married.  I was surprised to realize how much I saw dating, even marriage, as a quick fix.  God said no.  He kindly told me that I don’t get to skip the process.  At the moment, I felt somewhat resolved as to that.  However, I found that today the process terrified me, because I don’t control the end result.

Later today, I went to a local coffee shop.  It’s a particularly special one.  It is located in a beautiful, old town area (in an old house) and has a great seating area outside.  As I sat down and took my first sip of coffee, my heart felt cared for by the warmth of the coffee, the complexity of flavors, and the beauty of the place.  The pain over relationships didn’t disappear, but in the midst of that, I felt peace.  I looked up and saw a big tree in front of me.  Not a puny tree, but a big, sprawling tree, with sturdy, long branches.  As I saw this tree, the word that came to mind was “sheltered.”  I then looked above me and saw that I was also literally sheltered by an umbrella.  I felt covered and cared for.  As I type this, I realize that this sheltering, the coffee, the beauty…all of it.  It makes me feel held.

Where the Boys Are

I wrote this a few weeks ago for another blog, but decided to start bringing over my single lady blogging here.

Sometimes when I get frustrated at the lack of datable men in my surroundings, I imagine that they all live in a particular community.  In case you were wondering, that community is real and it’s called Pasadena.  Now, I have no proof that there’s a gaggle (yes, I’m grouping men by the term “gaggle”) of smart, thoughtful, deep, and quirky men there, but in my mind, they all live there because: a) They don’t live by me; and b) Guys like that should definitely flock to Pasadena, right?  I mean, Pasadena is amazing.  Have you been there?  It’s like visiting Europe…in Southern California.  The coffee shops.  The amazing book stores.  The insane architecture everywhere!  Who doesn't like Pasadena?

One night I was hanging out with a friend and we were going to a lecture by a philosopher who was talking about the value of art.  We were convinced that a lecture of this caliber would bring out all the smart, thoughtful, deep, and quirky men out of the woodwork.  We carefully assembled our outfits, fully embracing our inner smoldering librarians.  Then, to our dismay, discovered the lecture was full of undergrads.  Woh woh!  The lecture was definitely worth attending, but apparently, these men discovered our plot, remaining safe and sound (in Pasadena).

Ultimately, this may speak more to my love of Pasadena, and possibly a not-so-realistic idea of the living patterns of single men, than to anything else.  Yet, there’s something comforting in thinking that this community exists.  Almost like a personal Atlantis – the lost city of single men.  It’s out there and one day I’ll find it.  On days when my singleness feels like the neverending story, I’m grateful for a laugh and some fairy tale indulgences. 

Wondering if anyone out there can relate?  Where is your fairy land of single men?

And in case you were wondering, yes, the title does reference the 60’s film and song:

Q Thoughts

For the last few years my friend Julie has attended this mysterious gathering called Q.  Part of her attending meant her visiting fun locals, like Portland and Washington, D.C.  She would always come back, brimming full of ideas and excited for the next year’s gathering.  Well, I heard that Q was coming to LA this year and knew I had no excuses (being that I live outside of LA).  Now, I am at the other end of this conference and pondering what I have received, what resonated within me, during my time at Q.  It’s challenging to sift through the fire hose that is Q, but as I set here and consider, these are the things that were significant during my experience.

Retreats

I work in retreat ministry at a church.  However, I did not go to Q with the express expectation to meet with others who work in the retreat world.  Q just doesn’t seem like the venue that would necessarily attract these folks.  By the end of the conference, I realized that I had come across all of the retreat people in attendance.  And by no creation of my own.  It felt very providential, the ways in which I was able to connect with some new friends in the retreat world. 

Q is such a collaborative space and upon mentioning that I worked for a retreat center to a man at my table, he was determined to connect me with an individual he knew from a retreat house in Texas.  I was able to connect with him and it was so encouraging to know that there are other centers out there with a similar vision and who have been offering these retreats for much longer than my center has.  I was invited to visit their house and get a behind the scenes glimpse of how they run. 

I also connected with a couple of other individuals who are offering similar spaces for retreat and renewal.  Being so close to LA, I was able to invite one of these men down to tour my retreat center and give a vision for what we’re doing there. 

All this to say, I could not have orchestrated these meetings on my own.  I truly believe that God connected us during Q. 

Father Chacour

From the moment this man opened his mouth, there was something about his presence that made me want to cry.  As a Palestinian Christian, for many, a walking contradiction flying in the face of their preconceived notions, he embodied love and wisdom in a way that I’ve rarely experienced.  This is a man who has chosen the way of the cross, continually.  He ended his time with a charge to all of us at Q: Do not embrace friendship with the Jews if that means you hate the Palestinians.  Do not embrace friendship with the Palestinians if that means you hate the Jews.

No words.

The Brilliance

This band opened each of our sessions up at Q.  If this was high school church camp and I was putting together a slide show of the event, the background music would definitely be from The Brilliance.  In fact, it is hard for me to separate my conference experience from their music.  In the fast paced sprint that is Q (in which simple things like hydration were challenging for me), they provided a much needed space to pause, reflect and catch my breath.  In particular, the song “Open Us” has been playing in my head ever since.  Coming back, I’m determined to introduce all my friends to this band. 

Story workshop

There were so many fascinating workshop/cultural experience topics and it was so challenging to only select one.  However, I am so glad that I chose the Story workshop by Bobbette Buster.  As a story consultant for Pixar, Disney and Sony Animation, Buster is an expert on the structure of story.  I had taken a script writing class in undergrad, and while I enjoyed it, I was not as deeply impacted as I was during this workshop.  Lately, I’ve been struck by how different disciplines seem to be coming to the conclusion that story is important, even vital.  I still have much to think and ponder over, but I left the workshop wondering how the spiritual journey, with its ups and downs (thinking particularly of the Carmelite views of developmental spirituality), correlates to the three act structure.  I’ve also been considering how cultivating the imagination for story, becoming familiar with our fairy tales, helps us to continue walking with God when we enter into desolation and the times when we’re faced with the unanswerable questions (entering into the gray, undefined areas of life, which seem connected with what some would call second half spirituality).  I don’t have any major conclusions, but these tentacle of ideas seem somehow connected. 

Pleasure vs. Renewal

Gabe Lyons, the curator of Q, ended the conference with a talk on The Imagination Wars (BTW, is it me, or would that be a great band name).  His basic thesis was that we live in a world with two competing ideas on imagining the story we exist in.  The first is the way of pleasure, which says that pleasure is the telos of all humanity and the driving force is to avoid pain at all costs (interestingly, flying in the face of the 3 act story structure).  The second is the way of renewal, which comes through redemption of pain.  The good news is to see our brokenness and inability to fix it on our own.  This is the place where Jesus meets us.  Avoiding pain leads to disillusionment, while Christ’s imagination causes us to lean into reality.  As I listened to Gabe talk, I thought back to the many people I had met over the last couple of days and the interesting places they worked.  In that moment, I recognized in my mind a glamorization of other churches, which seemed more open and willing to bring in spiritual formation.  God gave me a glimpse into my own heart as I sat there.  Today, for me the way of pleasure would be to seek out those churches.  Today, the way of renewal is to continue with my job, my church.  This is where God has called me to.  This is the place of sanctification, growth, and ultimately, deeper trust in him. This may not always be true for me, but for today, this is my place of reality.

Hopes for Future Q Gatherings

While I appreciated all that Q had to offer, I would love to see future Q gatherings address the soul of the leader.  I know from my own experience that there are great temptations in leadership and no matter how much one can try to cover that up, the truth will always come out.  In the same vein, I think it would be interesting to dedicate one of the shorter talks to providing an experience of silence.  What would it be like to lead the Q community through a moment of silence and then give some time to process the experience?  We run at such a fast pace and taking the time to stop can be terrifying.  Yet, there is a value to stopping, to pausing and taking a moment to listen to what is really going on internally.  How do we create and structure communal spaces for silence? 

I’m so grateful I was able to attend Q and meet all the interesting people, who are on their own journeys of helping to bring cultural good to the world, by the power of the Spirit.