Why I don't Give Blood...

Hi All, this is a post I wrote about a year ago, but it is still true today.  Enjoy!

I guess the full title for this post should be: Why I don't give blood and what that has to do with dating. A few weeks ago there was a blood drive on the campus where I work. It reminded me of the last time I gave blood...

Many years ago, when I was a wee college lass, I had a crush on a guy in the Christian ministry I was involved with. Every year during the week between Christmas and New Year's the ministry would gather with students from all over California and Arizona (and occasionally Hawaii). The first year I went, this guy, we'll call him John, gave blood. I was impressed by this selfless act and took note. The next year, I still liked him, and thought I should give blood. Because once he saw how selfless I was, he'd make the connection that we should date. That's how things work, right? But here's the thing. I hated needles. Now, I'd had shots, done blood tests, etc., but it was never a fun experience for me. However, I found myself tired a lot, so assumed I was anemic. They test you for that before you give blood, so I thought I'd get in line, but be dismissed. I get all the credit for being "selfless", but don't have to deal with the needle. It's a win-win.

I gather my friends and we line up to give blood. All the while, I'm looking around for John. He of course, is nowhere to be found. One by one, we get tested, and my friends are being wiped out like a plague - they all are anemic. I'm finally tested. And guess what? I'm approved to donate blood. Curses, my plan has failed! I have to give blood and John can't witness my "selflessness".

Later that night, all the members from my campus go out to dinner. John is there. We were at some weird place where every 15 minutes the servers would do a dance routine to a song. When "Wild, Wild West" came on (see, I told you this happened a long time ago), my friend and I decided to join in with the servers. As I am mid-lasso, I begin to remember the thing they told me earlier that day about not doing a lot of physical activity. Then the darkness starts to close in. I hurry to get back to my seat to prevent my fainting. All the while, I look ridiculous, staggering to my seat. I try to explain why I'm woozy, but between the music playing so loudly and my being woozy, I don't think anyone comprehends what's going on. Except that I am strange. And that is what John witnesses. Not my "selfless" giving of life to another, but my staggering around and talking incoherently.

So, that's why I haven't given blood since then. Actually, it's not a complete no, but I will never again give blood to try to impress a boy.

Realistic Expectations: Arrested Development

We are now less than a month out from the release of the new episodes of Arrested Development.  This is the day us fans have waiting for over many years.  I had given up hope, despite the rumors that continued to fly around about a film.  Finally, the day came, when I heard the news that Netflix would be airing a new season. 

As my excitement has grown, I’ve begun to wonder if my expectations for Arrested Development can ever be met.  I mean, how many times have I looked forward to a film, only to be disappointed.  The one that stands out most clearly in my memory is The Matrix 3.  I waited in line for the midnight showing, all dressed in black, and eager for the completion of the trilogy.  A couple of hours later I emerged dejected, disappointed and despising the Wachowski brothers.  It was so bad that it made me retroactively hate the second Matrix.  Today, I just try to pretend the second and third films just don’t exist so that I can appreciate the original. 

So, my fear in Arrested Development is that after all this waiting, the new episodes can never meet my unrealistic expectations.  Or that they will be just plain bad.  Only time will tell, but in the meantime, clips like these make me eager for May 26.

Please, please, please don’t be bad!

Sheltered

“I just want to be held,” I say quietly to myself.  Not in a metaphoric, God-sort of way.  But by real arms.  I feel disappointed that this isn’t an option for me at this moment.

Today has been a hard day for me, but not in an easily identifiable way.  There was no specific experience that I could point to as making me sad or down.  Yet, as I was at work, I felt that something was not ok with me internally.  I was depressed, distracted and just wanted to numb out and waste time online. Finally, I heard God whisper, “take a walk.”  With my arms crossed I groaned, “but I don’t want to get up.”  Again, he whispered, “take a walk.”  I eventually got up and went for a walk. 

This is where I walked….

Yes, I sometimes work at a gorgeous retreat center.  As a side note, you’d think that I would go for walks like this all the time when I’m here, but it actually takes the prodding of God to remind me. 

I walk for a bit and then settle on a bench.  It is there that I am able to pour out my heart.  For a while now, I have felt significant sadness over my singleness (but not over my alliteration skills, huzzah).  For months, I just sat on it and despaired.  A couple of months ago I was able to talk to God about it.  In the midst of that, I met someone.  We really clicked and I was swept up into the whirlwind of meeting someone with whom you really connect (which is a rare occasion for me).  Well, long story short, it ended, and not in a particularly kind way.  The experience has been hard for me and made me even more aware of the tenderness of these places in my heart. 

One day as I was driving I recognized in myself a desire to skip the process in my own relational issues.  Instead of working it out slowly (as God often does), I saw in me a hope that “the one” would step in and make it all better.  Or at least, until we had to work it out after we were married.  I was surprised to realize how much I saw dating, even marriage, as a quick fix.  God said no.  He kindly told me that I don’t get to skip the process.  At the moment, I felt somewhat resolved as to that.  However, I found that today the process terrified me, because I don’t control the end result.

Later today, I went to a local coffee shop.  It’s a particularly special one.  It is located in a beautiful, old town area (in an old house) and has a great seating area outside.  As I sat down and took my first sip of coffee, my heart felt cared for by the warmth of the coffee, the complexity of flavors, and the beauty of the place.  The pain over relationships didn’t disappear, but in the midst of that, I felt peace.  I looked up and saw a big tree in front of me.  Not a puny tree, but a big, sprawling tree, with sturdy, long branches.  As I saw this tree, the word that came to mind was “sheltered.”  I then looked above me and saw that I was also literally sheltered by an umbrella.  I felt covered and cared for.  As I type this, I realize that this sheltering, the coffee, the beauty…all of it.  It makes me feel held.

Where the Boys Are

I wrote this a few weeks ago for another blog, but decided to start bringing over my single lady blogging here.

Sometimes when I get frustrated at the lack of datable men in my surroundings, I imagine that they all live in a particular community.  In case you were wondering, that community is real and it’s called Pasadena.  Now, I have no proof that there’s a gaggle (yes, I’m grouping men by the term “gaggle”) of smart, thoughtful, deep, and quirky men there, but in my mind, they all live there because: a) They don’t live by me; and b) Guys like that should definitely flock to Pasadena, right?  I mean, Pasadena is amazing.  Have you been there?  It’s like visiting Europe…in Southern California.  The coffee shops.  The amazing book stores.  The insane architecture everywhere!  Who doesn't like Pasadena?

One night I was hanging out with a friend and we were going to a lecture by a philosopher who was talking about the value of art.  We were convinced that a lecture of this caliber would bring out all the smart, thoughtful, deep, and quirky men out of the woodwork.  We carefully assembled our outfits, fully embracing our inner smoldering librarians.  Then, to our dismay, discovered the lecture was full of undergrads.  Woh woh!  The lecture was definitely worth attending, but apparently, these men discovered our plot, remaining safe and sound (in Pasadena).

Ultimately, this may speak more to my love of Pasadena, and possibly a not-so-realistic idea of the living patterns of single men, than to anything else.  Yet, there’s something comforting in thinking that this community exists.  Almost like a personal Atlantis – the lost city of single men.  It’s out there and one day I’ll find it.  On days when my singleness feels like the neverending story, I’m grateful for a laugh and some fairy tale indulgences. 

Wondering if anyone out there can relate?  Where is your fairy land of single men?

And in case you were wondering, yes, the title does reference the 60’s film and song:

Q Thoughts

For the last few years my friend Julie has attended this mysterious gathering called Q.  Part of her attending meant her visiting fun locals, like Portland and Washington, D.C.  She would always come back, brimming full of ideas and excited for the next year’s gathering.  Well, I heard that Q was coming to LA this year and knew I had no excuses (being that I live outside of LA).  Now, I am at the other end of this conference and pondering what I have received, what resonated within me, during my time at Q.  It’s challenging to sift through the fire hose that is Q, but as I set here and consider, these are the things that were significant during my experience.

Retreats

I work in retreat ministry at a church.  However, I did not go to Q with the express expectation to meet with others who work in the retreat world.  Q just doesn’t seem like the venue that would necessarily attract these folks.  By the end of the conference, I realized that I had come across all of the retreat people in attendance.  And by no creation of my own.  It felt very providential, the ways in which I was able to connect with some new friends in the retreat world. 

Q is such a collaborative space and upon mentioning that I worked for a retreat center to a man at my table, he was determined to connect me with an individual he knew from a retreat house in Texas.  I was able to connect with him and it was so encouraging to know that there are other centers out there with a similar vision and who have been offering these retreats for much longer than my center has.  I was invited to visit their house and get a behind the scenes glimpse of how they run. 

I also connected with a couple of other individuals who are offering similar spaces for retreat and renewal.  Being so close to LA, I was able to invite one of these men down to tour my retreat center and give a vision for what we’re doing there. 

All this to say, I could not have orchestrated these meetings on my own.  I truly believe that God connected us during Q. 

Father Chacour

From the moment this man opened his mouth, there was something about his presence that made me want to cry.  As a Palestinian Christian, for many, a walking contradiction flying in the face of their preconceived notions, he embodied love and wisdom in a way that I’ve rarely experienced.  This is a man who has chosen the way of the cross, continually.  He ended his time with a charge to all of us at Q: Do not embrace friendship with the Jews if that means you hate the Palestinians.  Do not embrace friendship with the Palestinians if that means you hate the Jews.

No words.

The Brilliance

This band opened each of our sessions up at Q.  If this was high school church camp and I was putting together a slide show of the event, the background music would definitely be from The Brilliance.  In fact, it is hard for me to separate my conference experience from their music.  In the fast paced sprint that is Q (in which simple things like hydration were challenging for me), they provided a much needed space to pause, reflect and catch my breath.  In particular, the song “Open Us” has been playing in my head ever since.  Coming back, I’m determined to introduce all my friends to this band. 

Story workshop

There were so many fascinating workshop/cultural experience topics and it was so challenging to only select one.  However, I am so glad that I chose the Story workshop by Bobbette Buster.  As a story consultant for Pixar, Disney and Sony Animation, Buster is an expert on the structure of story.  I had taken a script writing class in undergrad, and while I enjoyed it, I was not as deeply impacted as I was during this workshop.  Lately, I’ve been struck by how different disciplines seem to be coming to the conclusion that story is important, even vital.  I still have much to think and ponder over, but I left the workshop wondering how the spiritual journey, with its ups and downs (thinking particularly of the Carmelite views of developmental spirituality), correlates to the three act structure.  I’ve also been considering how cultivating the imagination for story, becoming familiar with our fairy tales, helps us to continue walking with God when we enter into desolation and the times when we’re faced with the unanswerable questions (entering into the gray, undefined areas of life, which seem connected with what some would call second half spirituality).  I don’t have any major conclusions, but these tentacle of ideas seem somehow connected. 

Pleasure vs. Renewal

Gabe Lyons, the curator of Q, ended the conference with a talk on The Imagination Wars (BTW, is it me, or would that be a great band name).  His basic thesis was that we live in a world with two competing ideas on imagining the story we exist in.  The first is the way of pleasure, which says that pleasure is the telos of all humanity and the driving force is to avoid pain at all costs (interestingly, flying in the face of the 3 act story structure).  The second is the way of renewal, which comes through redemption of pain.  The good news is to see our brokenness and inability to fix it on our own.  This is the place where Jesus meets us.  Avoiding pain leads to disillusionment, while Christ’s imagination causes us to lean into reality.  As I listened to Gabe talk, I thought back to the many people I had met over the last couple of days and the interesting places they worked.  In that moment, I recognized in my mind a glamorization of other churches, which seemed more open and willing to bring in spiritual formation.  God gave me a glimpse into my own heart as I sat there.  Today, for me the way of pleasure would be to seek out those churches.  Today, the way of renewal is to continue with my job, my church.  This is where God has called me to.  This is the place of sanctification, growth, and ultimately, deeper trust in him. This may not always be true for me, but for today, this is my place of reality.

Hopes for Future Q Gatherings

While I appreciated all that Q had to offer, I would love to see future Q gatherings address the soul of the leader.  I know from my own experience that there are great temptations in leadership and no matter how much one can try to cover that up, the truth will always come out.  In the same vein, I think it would be interesting to dedicate one of the shorter talks to providing an experience of silence.  What would it be like to lead the Q community through a moment of silence and then give some time to process the experience?  We run at such a fast pace and taking the time to stop can be terrifying.  Yet, there is a value to stopping, to pausing and taking a moment to listen to what is really going on internally.  How do we create and structure communal spaces for silence? 

I’m so grateful I was able to attend Q and meet all the interesting people, who are on their own journeys of helping to bring cultural good to the world, by the power of the Spirit.

Guest Blog Post

Hi All,

I just wrote a guest blog for my friend Eric's website, Affecting Lives.  Check it out!

Jen

PS - I'm hoping this post will get me started on a more regular rhythm of blogging.  We shall see.

John Wayne's Tears

A few weeks back I spent my morning at John Wayne airport, people watching and engaging in creativity. I wrote this short, short story while there.

John Wayne’s Tears

“Hey Pilgrim.”

I look up, searching for the person attached to this voice. No one. Just myself. I go back to reading.

A minute later.

“Excuse me ma’am.”

I look up and see, to my amazement, the statue in front of me speaking. To me. His body is frozen, caught mid-pace, but his stony face is alive, and trailing down his cheek, a lonely tear. He looks up at me, pleading with his eyes.

He is the strong, manly cowboy, the image of courage; tough as nails. And here he is, stuck in the marble palaces, while he was made for the country. His was a life of freedom, but now he cannot move, is forced to listen to the babbling of the masses as they go on their own adventures. The adventures he can no longer take part in.

I’m struck by the tragedy of the man who epitomizes the phrase “don’t fence me in”, and yet is captured in bronze, fenced in by marble columns and concrete parking structures, forever trapped in the airport he vehemently despised.

I look up again, feeling a new sense of sympathy and respect, as another tear rolls down.