Gnossienne No. 1

I’m not sure where I first heard this song. I only know that last July, Chris Martin played this piano piece between songs and I knew I’d heard it before. On New Year’s Day I was watching the documentary “Man on Wire,” and lo and behold, there was the song. I decided I needed to find this song. Turns out, it is called Gnossienne No. 1. This song draws me in – it speaks to me. Or maybe it calls me, because it is expressing the words and thoughts and emotions that my soul is pouring forth right now. There is something so mysterious and a general sense of the unknown in this piece. That sense of the unknown resonates with me right now. I am in a class on vocation – one’s calling. I have been spending time thinking and praying about my own calling. It once appeared to be so clear, but I find that it now feels shrouded in mystery. Some of the prayers my teacher has been asking us to pray during this class also express this same idea of the unknown:

“My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end...” (The Road Ahead – Thomas Merton)

“God has created me to do Him some definite service; He has committed some work to me which He has not committed to another. I have my mission – I may never know it in this life, but I shall be told it in the next…” (A Meditation – Cardinal Newman)

I so badly want to move past the unknown – I want to know – I want to have control. The further I follow these desires down I see their roots in my pride and difficulty in trusting. The challenge is learning to trust God in my present context of mystery and in the reality that there will be many things I will never know and understand on this side of life. What am I trusting in? The presence of God and the fact that He is God. Both of these prayers end in similar places:

“I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.” (Merton)

“He knows what He is about. He may take away my friends. He may make me feel desolate, make my spirits sink, hide my future from me – still He knows what He is about.” (Newman)

Both of these prayers remind me of the lament Psalms – the ones where the author cries out and speaks the truth of the situation or circumstances, but ends with the ultimate context: God. In this class (vocation) my teacher mentioned how he always wanted to know how long these Psalms took to write. They paint such a beautiful picture of our process as humans, but so much of our process is slow and can seem to drag (at least it can to me). How many of these Psalms represent years of one’s journey with God? There’s a point where we can sum up our experience in a few words, but those few words are birthed from many seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months and years.

So, I’ll end this post now – somewhere in the midst of my own process, learning to trust God in the mystery (which will probably be a life-long journey) and to open to the reality that He knows what He is about.

Time for another 2009 Recap

I’ve just started reading Donald Miller’s latest, “A Million Miles in a Thousand Years.” It’s all about the stories we’re living out. Miller mentioned a friend of his who writes down all the interesting things that happens to him, as his own sort of on-going memoir. It got me thinking back to this past year, well that and it being New Year and all. So, I decided to compile some memories from 2009.

My 2009 Highlights

Three-Week Retreat – I don’t know if “highlight” is the best term for this retreat. It was a highlight, a lowlight – words just won’t do me justice when it comes to this. It was harder than I thought it would be, but also so very different. By the end I felt certain that every experience was necessary during the retreat. There were special, dear moments, that I will hold onto for the rest of my life, including my first time seeing Mt. Ranier (on that trip; I’d seen in before). PS – Just call me Jen.






Trip to New Zealand – I only wish I had more time there. It was one of the more slow paced trips I’ve ever taken and I enjoyed that. NZ is gorgeous and Erin and I got to explore and adventure in some of the locals spots (definitely places not found in your tour books).




















My first time to the Hollywood Bowl –I don’t know how I missed visiting this LA landmark, since I’ve lived in So Cal for almost 30 years. The night was magical! Adele was amazing and the wonderful company, goodies and wine made for a memorable evening.











Coldplay – For years I have passed on seeing some of my favorite bands and have regretted it after. I decided not to let it happen again and bought tickets to see Coldplay in July. Although money was tight this year, I didn’t regret it. They put on a great show and it was very meaningful to hear “Fix You,” live. Another favorite was their acoustic rendition of “Billie Jean.” Plus, Chris Martin would play these gorgeous piano pieces between certain songs. It was a fun, playful night, with some fun, playful friends (Brosef Andrew, Amanda R and Kim J). Amidala and Your Mama!




Prairie Home Companion – Garrison Keillor and his friends performed at the Greek this summer. My dad has listened to the show for years and I had discovered the show through NPR podcasts. The older I get, the more I realize how similar my dad’s and my tastes are. We were literally in the back row, but right before the show started and man walked up and gave up 2 tickets, about half way up the venue (his parents weren’t able to make it). Keillor is amazing – he is a true story teller. Despite Sheryl Crow being there (ugh), KD Lang and Martin Sheen made for an engaging night. Despite our free seat upgrades, another favorite moment was during the commercial break when we all sang old timey songs together.

ISF Group – I started meeting with some friends from ISF at the beginning of the year. It has been such a gift to get to dig in and live life with them. I had struggled “finding my place” at ISF and this group helped me to settle in even more. There have been deep cries and deep laughs and everything in between. And if that wasn’t enough, there was Christmas in July.









Being moved by my community – My dear family and friends moved me while I was on my 3-week (details on why I had to move under Lowlights). It has been a lifelong struggle for me to accept the help of those around me. Usually, I will refuse help and do it on my own. It became clear that it would not be possible and my lovely community stepped together. It was humbling, but mostly I felt so loved. This experience is monumental in some ways. Thanks again to the amazing Chels and Leigh for coordinating the move (who said “forget about it – we have it covered”), and for my friends and family who came together to move and unpack me.


Season 5 of Lost – Perhaps this entry seems a bit out of place. I do love this show and Season 5 was a blast! Only one more season left – ahh!!! And yes, I am a nerd.
















Fall Retreat to Vallyermo – Fall semester was so very challenging. I came straight back from my retreat into school, work, life. During Torrey conference (in which classes are canceled for half of the week), I spontaneously decided to take a 48 hour retreat to one of my favorite retreat centers – St. Andrews Abbey in Vallyermo. The trees were adorned with autumnal colors and it provided a gorgeous background for me to rest. There weren’t any ground breaking moments – just time to step back and catch my breath. It was nice having some friends close by during the retreat and I especially enjoyed our night with the raccoons. =)



Nose Piercing – This was very symbolic for me, as if I was learning even more how to walk in my freedom. I have wanted my nose pierced for years, but kept talking myself out of it. Finally, I decided to just do it. My wonderful brother purchased my piercing as a birthday gift. He drove me over (while I started freaking out about it), encouraged me and even held my hand during the piercing. Ok, I hate needles, but this was one of the least painful things in my life. It was so quick and easy. Plus, I realized how traumatic the sound of the ear piercing gun is – a plain needle is much more relaxing. Thanks again to Lindsay V for the recommendation of Outer Limits.




My 2009 Lowlights

Jane’s suicide – A friend of the family took her life last spring. Suicide is hard regardless, but it brought up a lot of memories of my brother’s attempts. This loss was incredibly hard for my mom and led to some difficult times for her. It was hard for me to witness her like that and reminded me of how things were when I was younger.

Having my housing situation blow up – Less than two weeks before my 3-week retreat there was an incident at my house. I don’t want to get into details here (if you know me well, you know the details), but it was very traumatic and hurtful.

Loosing a job – I found out, without any notice, that I was loosing one of my jobs. I started writing business plans back in 2008 and it had been a major contributor to my monthly income. My boss recently decided to stop this aspect of his company. Still figuring out how to supplement the income.

Going off anti-depressants – After about a year on anti-depressants my Dr. decided to wean me off them. Although it was a slow process, it still was hard; however, it wasn’t till the end of the process that I realized how challenging it was.

Accessories to my journey this year (not exhaustive)

UP
Harry Potter (the books)
Peets Coffee

30 Rock & Community











Chels & Leigh
Various Songs: Der Gang Zum Liebchen, Here is Love, Hoppipolla, How He Loves, Zero to Hero, Jai Ho, Chasing Pavements, Come Ye Disconsolate, For the Beauty of the Earth, All Creatures, Yahweh, What a Friend, What a Child is Meant to Be, Ode to Joy.
Wednesday Night Group
Julie and Julia
ISF group
Study Wednesdays with mein brudder!
Chocolate
My gorgeous journal, hand crafted by Chels and Leigh
Rainbows
Brian VanDragt
ISF Staff
Various Podcasts: Relevant, This American Life, Prairie Home Companion, The Moth

Here's to the close of one story-worthy year, and to the opening of a new one!

Jen

Thoughts on Ratatouille and Beauty

I am watching Ratatouille and remembering how much I enjoy this film. For those who have not yet watched it, the story revolves around a rat named Remy, who happens to be the best chef in France. Of course, being a rat has its setbacks, especially in the culinary world. He befriends a clueless human named Linguini. Together, they breathe life into a once thriving restaurant. The major dramatic moment occurs when Anton Ego, the formidable food critic, decides to dine at their restaurant. In a bold move, Remy serves ratatouille, which is a peasant stew – certainly not in the same realm as French cuisine. As he takes his first bite of the dish, Ego is transported back to his childhood. He is no longer the bitter critic, but rather is a sad little boy, who is comforted by his mom with ratatouille. A change washes over his face. He is no longer the same person. He is that child again. And yet, he is still the adult. Somehow everything has come together in one of those a-ha moments. That child and that adult have integrated; have experienced life at a deeper dimension. Prior to this moment, Ego is surrounded by death. His office is even shaped like a coffin. However, by the end of the film, he is alive, enjoying life, dessert, and ratatouille.

It is something beautiful to witness these moments in one’s life. The moment that changes everything. Maybe it is found in a word or two, a note of music, or in the case of Ratatouille, a bite of food. And somehow, everything makes sense. Doesn’t it seem as though these moments are so often ushered in by beauty? It takes something of that nature to awaken us from our monotony, to scream an invitation to join into the life that is available.

Today I went to a chapel at school. The second half involved an outdoor banquet, in which we feasted on fig spread, cheese, bread, grapes and delectable chocolate truffles (that’s my kind of chapel). The tables were beautifully decorated, garnished with vibrant flowers, and everyone had a place marked with his or her name. I was one of the first people outside and it was a joy to hear the response of others as they approached the table. You could hear a change in their voice – one of surprise and delight.

This writing has got me thinking on my own experience. One moment in particular comes to mind. When I was 14 I had back surgery to correct scoliosis. It was very painful and I had to stay in the hospital for a week. There was something so lovely about coming home. It took awhile for me to get out of the car and walk back to my bed. Finally, I lay down and rested. Although it was November, the weather was perfect (that’s southern California for you). The windows were open and there was a gentle breeze going through the house. It brought with it the scent of flowers from the backyard. And in that moment, I was overwhelmed with beauty. Somehow smelling the flowers awakened in me gratitude for my life. Of course, it was in the context of going through intense surgery, but the scent brought up the emotions that couldn’t come out before. I cried – tears of joy, tears of pain, tears of exhaustion. Something shifted in me then. I was not the same.

These moments happen on a variety of different levels. Although, not every moment of change will be utterly life altering, they are still beautiful. I’m curious to hear about all your “moments” as you journey through life.

Jessica Jones: Part One - August 17, 2007

Hello.

Last Fall, I began to work on a story called "Jessica Jones." I haven't been able to work on it for months, but just started back at it today. The creation of this story began as a conversation with my roommate about the Christy Miller series (a youth Christian fiction series, that was extremely cheesy). The idea was to write a story just as cheesy, but I found myself wanting to make it real and funny and honest.

I was going to start posting it as installments. So, here is part One of "Jessica Jones." Enjoy.
Jenny

Jessica Jones: Part One
Jessica Jones was in the middle of a beautiful dream when the kitchen blender whirred and blurred and startled her into the morning. She stared at the ceiling and then jumped up. She inspected herself in the mirror. No, she didn't look or feel any different. "But I have to be," she said to herself. "I'm 17 today. Everything changes when you're 17." She walked into the kitchen and witnessed her mom putting the final touches on the celebrated Birthday pancakes – complete with a smiley face on top.

"Morning birthday girl," her mom said, planting a kiss on top of Jessica's forehead. "Juice or milk?" "Coffee please," Jessica answered nonchalantly. "And you started drinking coffee when?" her mother replied. "I'm 17," said Jessica. "Things change when you're 17. Life gets exciting and you need to drink coffee to keep up with it all."

Jessica took a sip of coffee, her right of passage into the adult world, and went straight for the milk and sugar. By the time she finished it was almost white. And even then she only drank a quarter of the cup.

Her Dad walked in the door with the paper. He threw it down and picked up Jessica, twirling her around. "Happy Birthday little girl!" "Dad," she said, backing up. "I'm not a little girl anymore. See, I'm drinking coffee - I'm all grown up now." Her dad smiled and replied "OK." He picked up the paper and was reading through the business section. "Oh, I almost forgot. Bob and Randy both need two new pairs of gloves," her dad said without looking up. "Already?" Jessica questioned. "But I just gave them new pairs a month ago."

A year ago Jessica had knit her father a pair of gloves for her father to use when on his motorcycle. Her dad looked every bit the stereotypical accountant – scrawny, slightly balding, glasses and a pocket protector (until a few years ago). However, he also loved his Harley. When he wasn't crunching numbers, he was taking the streets by storm with his biker buddies, The Highway to Hale crew (Hale was the diner they frequented). The gloves Jessica knit were a huge hit with his friends and they all had to have a pair. It was a great side business and she was always working on new designs for them.

Jessica finished her breakfast and went to her room. She took extra care getting ready this morning. As she smoothed her hair one last time she looked in the mirror as if to say, "Hello world."

She picked up her new notebook – this one was clean and had no writing on it. She had learned her lesson about writing on notebooks. What started off as a simple declaration of faith turned into an embarrassing nightmare that took months to live down. She had written "I love Jesus" on her notebook and would proudly walk down the school corridors. That was until one person in class announced "Jessica loves Jes`us!" Jes`us - a sophomore at her school. She repeatedly tried to explain that she loved Jesus and not Jes`us, but to no avail.

Me at the Moment - August 06, 2007

I still love coffee. My friend loved coffee until she got pregnant. Then she got nauseous at the smell. I hope that never happens to me.
I am a big ball of varied emotions when it comes to the changes hitting me this month.
I want to help others bring more justice and love throughout the world (so we can all hold hands and sing "We Are the World").
I just bought my first songs ever on iTunes last week.
My latest life revelation came about while watching Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.
Stopping old habits is incredibly difficult.
In high school I carried around an old 8-track case and called it my purse. People thought it was an instrument case.
Driving my parents' cars while they're on vacation is fun! Their air conditioning works so well.
Stevie Wonder makes happy music.
I have green tea mochi in my freezer at my apartment.
I want to travel all over the world – maybe even to places like Antarctica (ok, maybe not).
I love having conversations with strangers at coffee shops.
I hate when I accidentally set my alarm for PM instead of AM.
I went to Brazil in July. I got to meet great people, eat yummy food, drink guarana and pass out on a plane.
I love music that makes you dance. I'll even dance in my car. Except to Paul McCartney's new Dance song.
I ate sweet potato fries yesterday. I pretend that they're healthier for me than regular fries.
Dancing and playing with kids during worship at church is excellent.
I have been out of the country for the last 2 Independence Days. It has been almost 2 years since I have seen a fireworks display (thank goodness for Bonfire Night in England).
I start school in exactly 3 weeks.
Nerts is an amazing game.
I Simpsonized myself.
"Cars" is coming in tomorrow through Netflix – Cachow!
I'm learning that healing is a process and "Better" doesn't = "Perfect."
There's nothing like a Sunday afternoon nap.
My friends are so completely different and I love them all!
Is it Friday yet?
I love the color green.
Target > Wal-Mart (I actually stole this from the Dave Crowder Band blog – it was too amazing not to use). However, having said that, I want to re-consider my expenditures and consumption habits.
Chocolate Hob Nob biscuits are even better than regular Hob Nob biscuits.

Biola Orientation - August 01, 2007

Well, I just had my Orientation for ISF (Institute for Spiritual Formation) this morning. Yea - it was so much fun! I got to meet some of my classmates and found out which classes I need to take. Somehow, it made it all a bit more real, walking onto the campus this morning.

This Fall I will be taking:
Intro to Christian Spirituality & Prayer
Personal Foundations of Spirituality & Retreat
Personal Spiritual Direction
Hermeneutics & the Word in Spiritual Formation

Whew - that's a mouthful!

They told us about what classes we need to take, forms that need to be filled out, etc. Then we had our pictures taken (to later be placed on a wall for all in the ISF offices to see). We also have mailboxes. How fun! You guys can send me mail there.

I also heard back from the HR department on campus (I submitted an application last week). So, I may be spending a lot of time on campus.

Still looking for a place to live. But in general, feeling excited and hopeful about the next month.
Jenny

Consumption - July 27, 2007

Just a quick thought for you all to ponder. I was listening to the Relevant podcast this morning (seriously, check it out - it always has me rolling on the floor laughing) and they quickly mentioned Live Earth. The podcast from from the beginning of July. They were talking about an article in the NY Times which spoke about the concert, but how the bigger issue with the environment is consumption. That is where we'll see the biggest change, not just in buying more eco-friendly items. One of the examples given was, instead of buying 5 pairs of organic cotten jeans, just buy one pair of normal jeans. As in, don't use eco-friendly as an excuse to buy more things you don't need.

And this all got me thinking (well, I've thought about these issues before). How many things do I buy are needs or wants? I don't think it's bad to buy things that are in the want category, but it's so easy to get out of control with it. What would it look like if I cut down on my overall consumption of products? How do we respond as Christians?

I could go on for awhile about this, but I don't have time now. So, I'll send this post into the internet jungle in order to create dialogue and mass ponderings.

Have a great weekend!
Jenny