Darn My Stubborn Pride

Disclaimer: I make strong statements about things I dislike. Please don't take offense if something you like is mentioned.

My roommate recently turned me onto the show “Gilmore Girls”. I’m not quite sure how I let her do it, as I had no interest in the show. In my mind, it was some show that you watched if you were a lame, girly girl (even though my roommate was in no way like that). I have no clue how this idea formed in my brain. Such a stupid, unfounded idea. And when I mentioned this to a couple of friends, my realization of the greatness that is “Gilmore Girls”, they just laughed. Apparently, I have done this before. Many times. I make a stance on something (typically a strong stance – I hate it) and occasionally I realize that said thing is actually worthwhile. It was for this same reason that I avoided Paris, France for years. I went a couple of months ago and was enchanted by that lovely city. I kept thinking “why didn’t I come here earlier”. Especially since I had lived in England for almost a year and Paris is ridiculously close to the UK.

Yes, I am stubborn. Extremely so. At times, I glory in my stubbornness. I take pride in it, thinking it makes me stand out as an individual with impeccable taste. While it can save me from some terrible things (like The Twilight series), it can also result in my missing out on other spectacular things (like the band Mumford and Sons). So, I’m still learning and growing in this area in my life. But there are some things I will never like. See below.

Things I’m still holding out on (some of these I have seen or experienced, but am adamant about not liking them):

-The Notebook
-Valentine’s Day (the “holiday”, not the film)
-Mushrooms and olives
-Hawaii as a honeymoon location
-Films involving Jerry Bruckheimer or Michael Bay
-Madonna
-Two and a Half Men
-The Kiera Knightly version of “Pride and Prejudice”

Milk Was a Bad Choice...

Yesterday I was doing some work for one of my jobs before heading to the gym. I go to a turbo kick boxing class every Tuesday night (the highlight of my day). Now, by my admitting this, you may have some fear over my fierceness. “You want to go to McDonalds for dinner?” Round house kick to the face! But rest assured, this class mostly consists of dancing with decorative punches and kicks.

Anyways, I was hungry on my way to class, so I stopped at an AMPM to pick up a snack. In an ideal world, I would have purchased a hearty protein bar, right? Wrong. The protein bars at AMPM are crazy expensive (over $3 a bar)! I just couldn’t bring myself to spend that much. Instead, I bought a Twix PB, figuring that the peanut butter would provide some good protein. The whole class I felt gross. And the whole time I knew it was that darn Twix. I kept thinking “never again”.

Later that night my ordeal with the Twix bar got me to thinking about how my eating habits have changed. Back in the day, my favorite snack was a ridiculously large Dr. Pepper and a bag of peanut butter M&M’s. I always thought my friends who ordered water at restaurants were kind of wimpy. I think what really shifted how I eat was my year in England. The first thing to go was soda. I was a self-avowed Dr. Pepper addict (I even made a short film about it for a class), but soon upon arriving in the UK realized that it was very expensive. Basically, my food budget was such that it was a choice to eat food consistently, or have soda. Food won. Eventually, it got to the point that I didn’t like the taste of soda. Even to this day, my stomach revolts if I ingest any. Literally. It starts yelling to me, almost in the stylings of Samuel L. Jackson. “Woman, why the #%&* are you putting this crap into me?”

OK, so why am I telling you all this? Am I trying to wow you all with my healthy eating and will-power? No. I still eat lots of unhealthy food (maybe not quite so much processed food) and as evidenced by the story above, my quitting soda didn’t require any will-power, just circumstances. I’m writing this, because I am amazed at how much I can change. Things that are so important one year can shift and become non-existent in my life. One day I can paper my wall with ads, pictures, etc. from the film “Titanic”, learn the song on piano, record ridiculous answering machine messages with “Titanic” trivia, dress up as the main character when she is icey and in the water for Halloween, and the next day laugh at how wooden the writing is in that film. (Note: the above example is purely hypothetical. I mean, who would do that? Who would watch the movie 7 times in the theater? ) My friends and I were talking the other night and we ended up briefly discussing how much we change and because of that our interactions with others are always changing. Even though life can seem stagnant, there is always some sort of movement going on. And I find hope in that.

Fear and Loathing in Vocational Wanderings

About a year and a half ago I took a course on vocation. It was a deeply meaningful class to me. One of our assignments was to spend time in prayer with the Lord on various aspects of our vocation. This morning I read through those prayer projects. I think I was able to see themes that weren’t visible to me at the time. I read project after project in which I wrote on my fear in looking at my calling, but also noticed my consistent experience of God’s love through each time. I also came to one project that had me list out my wishes for life. I was amazed to find how similar (even identical) they are to my wishes now. I always talk about how changeful I am, but seeing this list woke me up to the settled parts of my heart. They are there. Coming across this reality felt so reassuring.

I have quite a bit of free time this month and I am taking this space to consider next steps in my life. Part of that has been to research career paths. These are fearful places for me (notice that theme of fear I mentioned in the previous paragraph). I feel as though I have so many possibilities to consider. If I do this, then how does it conflict with this other area of my life? Are they both possible? How much do I wait? How much do I take advantage of the freedom I currently have? And of course the big question, Where is God directing me in the midst of my questions? I tread carefully. Sometimes. I am longing for the moment when it all becomes clear. When I have that realization that this is the direction in which I am to head. This is it! I have had moments before when that has been reality. I am not sure if this experience will follow the same protocol. Do I wait for that a-ha moment, or do I move step by step, guided by God’s whispers? As I type this, I suspect it may be the latter. And maybe this morning has been one of those whispers, a reassurance that the Lord has settled these desires in my heart (for the present time). I still have no idea what it will all look like practically, but I feel some peace, as if His hand is on my back, guiding me.