This blog tends to focus on the experience of women since, being
a woman, that is my frame of reference.
However, in the process of writing about modesty I
found my heart stirred towards the implied messages that men receive in that
conversation. After publishing the post,
I had men contact me, expressing how left out they felt in the modesty
conversation.
Earlier this week, a friend posted a video tied into a Kickstarter
campaign to fund a documentary on toxic masculinity. You can watch the video here (note: there is
some strong language in the video, so beware if you are sensitive to that;
however, I think it is used well and helps paint a picture of the messages men
hear about masculinity). I found this video
sobering, yet powerful. One of the more revealing
statements in the film came from sociologist Michael Kimmel:
If I was to say what
is the major emotion of American masculinity, it is anxiety. Why?
Because you have to prove your masculinity all the time.
I feel great sympathy when I read this quote. I do not know what it is like to grow up as a
man in America, but if that is what daily life looks like, then what an
exhausting way to live.
This clip got me thinking of these toxic expectations we
place on men. I wonder, for the men out
there, how much are you aware that these messages are present, and have you
felt pressured to give in to them? How
have these messages shaped how you live your life? To be perfectly honest, I have never even
thought to ask these questions of the men in my life. My purview so often narrows my focus to the
experience of women in culture. I begin
to see how much both genders are sold lies.
Often differing lies, but lies none the less. My
hope is that as we continue to lean into these conversations, the lies might be
exposed for what they are and we can begin to construct true concepts of our
gender. Not an easy task, but I truly
believe, worth the work.
1 comment:
Hi Jen. I don't know if I can adequately answer your question, or how well I can even state/understand my own thoughts, especially on male masculinity. But I'll try...
Society in general has a variety of portrayals of men and ideal masculinity. It's presented in movies, sports, church, yada yada. To parse out the lies from the honest/God creation, it's difficult.
Like tonight, I had some time alone with God, and I began to confess my feelings in feeling inferior as a man. I'm 35, not married, no children (thankfully, since I'm not married), renting a room, nothing to do on a Saturday night, etc. So in my mind, I began to feel pretty sucky as a man. Why? In my mind, I have heroes that I look up to. I see them making an impact in their community, be it their family, or on a national scale. It's not just a hollywood portrayal of William Wallace that gets me going. My heroes are people like MLK, St. Francis, certain movie makers, traveling musicians, good family men/women, Batman and Superman, and even women like Amelia Earhart. In all that, I see the core issue in masculinity as a desire to matter, or to make a mark on society. A man wants to be important. A man wants to discover. And, I would dare think a man wants people to know he did it. When he's feeling he's not living up to that, it's a disappointing self-reality. But to be honest, I think that shows there is an ideal masculinity that should be held up and admonished. We want to be good husbands, good fathers, good men...but it gets distorted. The lie comes when we think everything we do has to make us famous. But, if we are just known by God, as a good and faithful servant, what else matters? I want my son and daughter (someday God willing!) to believe I was a good dad who did my best to be the best for them. I would want my wife (God willing, someday!) to believe I was a good man who loved her with all I am/have.
What is it to be good? Is it having a variety of women as trophies? Is it the ability to push my way around in business powerplays? Those to me are the lies. And yet, they're attractive to a lot of people. Success has to have visible results to be a success. So when society marks success as owning your own business, owning a house, having 3 cars, a pretty wife, 3 kids on their way to college, a healthy 401k...who is this lie (if it's a lie?) coming from? It's not all a lie, but it's not all true. Jesus had none of these things...yet I would venture to say He was a man and not just a male. Having all of those things doesn't
And then there's clothes. If a modest woman is defined (in an over simplified example) by how she dresses and acts, same thing goes for men. Who doesn't want to appear good looking? If big arms and broad shoulders gets the ladies attention, then isn't that all that matters? Apparently not, since Mick Jagger is ugly and scrawny, yet accomplishes the same thing. It's all a mask.
PS...a long one
One of my favorites it's Babe Ruth, and yet he was ugly. But, he could play baseball. I'm not drawn in by his face, but his ability. I'm not drawn to good teachers because they have a particular twinkle in their eye or show cleavage, but because of what they teach. Sure I think some girls are more attractive than others, but once the conversation starts (or not?) looks become secondary. Is this the same for women towards men?
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