Christmas Reflections: Gifts

My family opened some of our gifts last Saturday before my brother left to spend Christmas day with his girlfriend's family.  Mainly we opened gifts from my brother (and he opened his gifts from us), but my family insisted that I open one of my gifts.  Mom has been talking about this particular gift for a while.  Yet, I could not figure out what it was.  I knew a family friend had worked on it and that it was not something I had specifically asked for.  So, the mystery gift finally appeared and I opened it.

Inside the box was a beautifully restored 1926 typewriter.  I was in shock.  There are photos proving this fact.  It was one of those gifts that I'd wanted, but never thought was practical enough to ask for.  I think those are the best gifts. The gifts where someone knows you so well, that they can improvise with their giving.  This year I have leaned into my writing and have been learning the discipline of continuing to write (even when I do not want to).  And a typewriter so perfectly symbolizes this journey for me.  Plus, it's really a beautiful old machine.

This morning, as I was slowly waking up on my first day of Christmas vacation, I thought of the joy of these surprise gifts.  The older I get, the less I receive gifts that surprise me.  I guess that's to be expected as one gets older.  That is what made this gift in particular so delightful.  I felt so known and seen.  And known and seen beyond what could be expressed in a Christmas list.

This got me to thinking about the gift of Christmas - Jesus.  Israel had waitied and hoped for hundreds of years for the Messiah to come.  On Israel's gift list was a powerful warlord, who would overthrow the Roman government.  Instead, they were given a baby born in the humblest of circumstances.  A baby who would grow up to be a humble servant, washing the feet of his disciples.  A man who dined with the messiest of messy souls, while shocking the religious establishment.  A man who did not fight when betrayed by his friend, giving himself up freely to death on the cross.  Jesus was not the gift we asked for, but rather was the gift we needed. The gift we still need today.  He didn't come to strut across the shoulders of those he defeated in battle, but rather came to be with us and to save us.

I'm reminded of Jesus' words to his disciples, from John 16:33 (NIV):

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

He has overcome the world.  Not by military might, but by sacrificial love.  And we can hope in that today.

All I want for Christmas…

Are Awards season films!  Yet, this year, I feel horribly behind on my viewings.  I was just talking to a friend today and began to feel overwhelmed as I realized how many films I’ve yet to see.  Nebraska.  12 Years a Slave.  Inside Llewyn Davis.  Saving Mr. Banks.  August: Osage County.  Philomena.  Frozen (OK, not an Oscar-esque film, but I’m still looking forward to seeing it).  Oy!

For me, one of the highlights of this time of year is the plethora of quality films (note: some years may not be inundated with quality films, but there is at least the hope of such films being released).  Like some people get excited about football season, I likewise spend my year prepping for Oscar caliber films.  I do my research and keep my ear to the ground, listening for the buzz on each film.  One of my favorite pop culture sites, Vulture, has been doing a weekly recap of films that are contending for awards season and chronicling which films are going up and down in terms of nomination expectations.  It almost makes me giddy!

Last week the Golden Globe nominations were announced and I thoroughly enjoyed reading through the nominations – exclaiming at the unexpected nods (Julia Louis Dreyfus for Enough Said – excellent) and in shock by the snubs (James Gandolfini also from Enough Said – to be honest, I wouldn’t have nominated him myself, but Hollywood loves to award actors posthumously). 

Now, at times I step back and reflect on how silly this all is in a way.  I mean, there’s an existing system that says if you want recognition in award season, release your film at the end of the year.  There are intense strategies and marketing ploys that are concocted to garner attention for each respective film.  In a lot of ways, the winner is often determined by the company that spends the most money or arranges the most appearances by their actor/director.  It’s for that reason, that I appreciate directors who refuse to play that game.  One who comes to mind for me is Woody Allen.  I don’t see him “play the game” for awards.  His most recent film, Blue Jasmine, was released over summer – definitely not the location for quality films.  Yet, despite the film’s “poor placement” it has been receiving nods this awards season, especially for Cate Blanchet’s mesmerizing performance (side note: one of the welcomed surprises was seeing Sally Hawkins recognized for her supporting performance in the same film).  Allen has typically not attended any of the awards shows (even when he was heavily expected to win).  You get the sense that he doesn’t make films for the awards, but because he is an artist and is always creating.  I can respect that. 

Despite my frustrations with the system, I still find myself each year eagerly awaiting the films to be released.  And the deal has been sweetened again this year with Amy Poehler and Tina Fey returning to host the Golden Globes.  While the show itself cannot top the Oscars in terms of overall importance, I’m giddy squared to see my two favorite comediennes hosting.  It absolutely makes me want to do a little jig in excitement.  Basically, it will be the equivalent of a little girl getting a pony for Christmas – this is me having Amy and Tina host.  OK, maybe a slight exaggeration (slight). 

So, while I may be behind on my film screenings, I’m eager to catch up with my upcoming Christmas break.  To the theaters!

Christmas Reflections: Emmanuel

Therefore the Lord himself will give you a sign. Behold, the virgin shall conceive and bear a son, and shall call his name Immanuel.

- Isaiah 7:14, ESV

I have a friend at work whose son is singing the Amy Grant song “Emmanuel” for a school Christmas show.  He comically describes his son rocking out to this eighties smoothrocking anthem.  It is undoubtedly a peppy song and I remember singing it loudly, while having no idea what Emmanuel even meant.  One day, I found out that it means “God with us.”  That is what God promised Israel.  Not a distant, removed god, but God who dwells with his people.  The course of history changed with Christ’s birth - his seemingly, by outward appearances, insignificant birth. 

This is what we celebrate at Christmas – that God sent Jesus to be our Emmanuel.  Yet, the greatest gift for us is so often the most challenging one to really believe.  As a Christian, I mentally assent that Emmanuel is a reality for me today.  But my heart does not always act out of that reality.  If anything, one of the deepest wars in my soul is battling out whether I truly believe that God is with me. 

Because there are days when I try to take up my own causes and defend myself.  When I trace back what fuels these actions, I see that there are parts of my very own heart that struggle to trust that God really is with me. 

There are days when I avoid what I’m really feeling and will use any TV show or movie to ignore my churning, lonely heart.  These are the parts of my heart that feel as though I’m invisible.  Again, I struggle to believe that God can meet me in my obscurity.

There are days when I’m impatient, feeling as though the waiting (waiting for, fill in the blank) will never end.  In those moments, my heart suspects that God has forgotten me.

I see the Christian life as the place where the Spirit confronts our half-truths and lies.  It is a process that is anything but pristine.  Rather, it’s a tangled place, where my fragmented heart comes to light.  It’s the place where I realize I am just as much in need of God today, as I was on the day I first met him.  And it’s in the place of neediness that I can receive the gift of Emmanuel.  

The Novelty Has Worn Off

I'm tired of writing about being single. When I first started blogging, I was full of ideas of posts on the single life - both silly and serious. Now, the novelty has worn off. The thought of writing about singleness or dating feels more like a chore.

I feel stuck when it comes to dating. I haven't seen any movement and I find myself drifting into apathy. If I'm honest, I feel as though I'm in the same exact place I was this time last year. And this time the year before. And the year before that. You get the idea.

I hide in apathy to avoid the rejection I feel. The apathy feeling much easier to bear with than the disappointment. When I'm playing out the same narratives again and again (or at least, what appears to be the same narrative), it can feel as though apathy is the only option. My mind tells me this is not true, but my heart has another view and has no problem making that known.

I get why the holidays are so difficult for singles. There are so many expectations and visions. Not of sugar plums, but of Christmas light viewings hand in hand, cozy nights with hot chocolate next to the fire, and Christmas movies snuggled next to the one you love. Forget falling in love in Spring, Christmas was made for lovers.

As I sit with both of these truths, it feels as though they make up some sort of odd equation which I am trying to solve. 

Tendency towards apathy (when faced with disappointment) x Christmas hopes = ?

I was never great at math and when I look at this equation I'd prefer to just sit with one or the other, not both pieces of the problem.

Here's the truth. I fear that I will always be single. It can terrify me at times. I fear sitting with that fear, so I avoid by leaning into apathy. I also am secretly sentimental. As evidenced above, I have visions of romantic (and somewhat unrealistic) moments. I feel like Beatrice and Bennedick in Shakespeare's "Much Ado About Nothing," loudly proclaiming their skepticism and disinterest when it comes to marriage and then diving into love the moment the option of romance is placed in their path.  I avoid what I feel, because there are times when it’s just so hard for me to believe that God knows what he is doing. 

As I look again at the equation, I see what the missing piece is: trust.  Trust is the place where I acknowledge and present my hopes and then place them into God’s loving hands.  Trusting that his goodness is not solely expressed or defined by my getting married.  Trusting that he hears my cries and is with me in the sorrow and disappointments.  Trusting that he is indeed trustworthy.

Christmas Reflections: O Holy Night

I do not often have favorites. Of anything. My taste in most things change frequently. I mean, for 6 months I loved my ketchup, mustard, A1, and cheese sandwiches. Now, you couldn't pay me enough to eat that nastiness (in all fairness, I was in first grade when I was fond of that odd combo). However, I have somehow retained a favorite Christmas carol for the last 8 or so years (this must be a record): O Holy Night. 

Sure, it’s not a surprising pick. I suspect many count this as their favorite Christmas song. While part of me is frustrated that my favorite song is so popular, I also understand why many are drawn to it. It has a beautiful melody, which requires a truly talented singer to really interpret the tune well. It also has some of the most rich and heart-stirring language found in the catalog of Christmas carols. 

Long lay the world, in sin and error pining...
A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices...

Yet, my favorite line undoubtedly is:
Chains shall he break, for the slave is our brother; and in his name all oppression shall cease.

I get chills when I get to that line. I find my heart stirring, a desire to proclaim "Amen!" This is the gospel, expressed beautifully. This is not just a belief I have, but the reality that has freed me. We all begin in the same condition - no one is above another. We have all been enslaved by sin.

Christ was long awaited by a tired and broken world. He of whom the prophecies foretold. And just when it seemed as though he never would show up, he was born. He brought freedom from sin and the hope of life anew. He was the gift we needed. I find such hope in those truthy lyrics. 

What better response than to fall on our knees? Perhaps it is the only fitting response at times - bowed down, in awe of love. The loviest of lovey loves. 

May you be reminded of his love this Christmas.

My Favorite Things

I’m suspicious of Carrie Underwood’s version of The Sound of Music (airing tonight).  I mean, I love The Sound of Music.  I watched it sporadically as a child, but it really started to sink in as a favorite a few years ago when I went to my first Sound of Music sing-a-long.  If you haven’t had the pleasure of attending one of these, then you best get on it.  There’s nothing quite like singing Edelweiss with 15,000 other people. 

But I digress.

I don’t have TV, but I’ll probably find some way to watch this new version.  However, I discovered that my main issue was with the casting of Carrie Underwood.  Sure, she has a great voice (which I admit begrudgingly as I’m not a country music fan), but she’s just too cutesy patootsey.  Like an overdose of sugary sweetness.  Blech!  I mean, there’s absolutely an innocence to Julie Andrew’s portrayal of Maria, but there’s also an incredible strength and depth present.  I’m not opposed to there being new versions of this musical, but I just wish that there was better casting taking place.  Why does Hollywood have to ruin everything?

All that to say, this new version is not one of my favorite things.  What are my favorite things (at this moment) you ask?  Here goes:

• Kinkade Kitsch: Last month I was introduced to the awesomeness that is the War on Kinkade. Truly, this is the only thing that could redeem the work of Thomas Kinkade in my eyes.  And it’s brilliant!  I came across a Kinkade calendar at Hobby Lobby the other day and found myself longing for a “War on Kinkade” version.  Wouldn’t that be spectacular?

• The Advent Project : Biola University’s Center for Christianity, Culture, and the Arts has the loveliest Advent resource on the website.  There are some thoughtful advent devotions out there this year, but I’m really enjoying this particular offering with its creative collaboration of visual arts, music, and Advent reflections. 

• Christmas movies: I’m just enjoying re-watching some of my favorite Christmas films once I passed the Thanksgiving mile stone (i.e. official beginning of the Christmas season in my eyes).  So far I’ve watched The Holiday (OK, maybe not the best film, but Kate Winslet makes any film a step or two better), White Christmas, and Little Women (not officially a Christmas movie, but the story begins with that holiday – close enough for me).  Still to come: Elf, A Christmas Story, It’s a Wonderful Life, and Holiday Inn.  There’s something so homey and cozy about sitting down with a warm beverage in your pj’s while watching a favorite holiday film. 

• Christmas music: Hooray for Christmas music!  It’s fun to return to my old favorites as we enter into the Christmas season.  I’m also enjoying some newer offerings, including The Brilliance’s Advent music and Sufjan Steven’s Silver and Gold (check out I’m a Christmas Unicorn).  As long as we stay away from Christmas Shoes, we’ll be fine. 

• Trader Joe’s Christmas goodies: Trader Joe’s just gets me.  Especially during Christmas.  Even though it’s where I do my everyday grocery shopping, I still get excited.  You never know what new and exciting products TJ’s will have to offer.  I just have to be careful when I go there.  Otherwise I may end up buying every type of Christmas cookie and chocolate that they offer.  I’m especially fond of Pfeffernusse and Candy Cane Jo Jo’s.

• Jimmy Fallon’s turkey mash-up: OK, so I didn’t catch this till after Thanksgiving, but it’s such a hilarious glimpse into pop culture right now.  My favorite moment?  The lip-syncing kitty accompanying Carrie Underwood’s spoof of Wrecking Ball (Butterball).  

• Mokiki Does the Sloppy Swish:Somehow this video became an inside joke at my family’s Thanksgiving celebration.  The best part?  On Sunday, my dad filmed our family doing their version of the Sloppy Swish in front of a restaurant.  I was sad to miss out on this moment, but it just provides further proof that my family is awesome.    

• The Problem with Christian Music: Here's a great blog by Michael Gungor on the state of the Christian music industry.  I think nailed it on the head.  His argument about the music industry’s marketing machine could be extended out to the publishing and conference spheres as well.  I’m frustrated by the state of these industries, but I’m also curious to see what shifts will take place in the years to come. 

• Pope Crush: I think I might have a crush on the Pope – and I mean that with all due respect.  But let’s be honest – haven’t a lot of Evangelicals being feeling similarly?  I feel as though every other week I’m reading another article about him that just increases my respect for him.  Refusing an elaborate living situation for a simple apartment.  Continually showing tangible love to the poor and forgotten.  And now sneaking out to help the homeless.  I look forward to seeing how his leadership will shape the Catholic church. 

Well, all I missed was “rain drops on roses and whiskers on kittens.”  I hope you are enjoying your favorite things on this first week of December.  

Christmas Reflections: Paths Unplanned For

As we enter into the Advent season, I will be devoting my first post of the next three weeks to reflections on Christmas.  

Merry Christmas my friends!

……….

Yesterday, a good friend of mine called unexpectedly.  As we were catching each other up on our crazy lives, we spoke about our experience in seminary (we went through the same program though at different times).  In light of that, I mentioned how surprising God’s ways can be.  Last August I’d walked through Fuller Seminary’s campus, wondering where I would be had I chosen to go to school there.  On paper, it made more sense for me to go there.  I appreciated its cross-cultural perspective as well as its more expansive views concerning women in ministry.  And let’s not forget, it’s located in the middle of downtown Pasadena – a place I adore (and where I’ve determined all eligible single men hide out.

However, I went to Talbot Seminary instead.  While life in Pasadena would have been lovely, I don’t regret my decision one bit.  I started Talbot at a unique point in my life.  I had gone through some of the most traumatic experiences in my life, walking with my family as my brother struggled with depression and attempted to take his life multiple times.  Any beliefs that made me think I had my life together were demolished.  I walked into Talbot with my life as I knew it in ashes around me.  In my three years there, the Lord rebuilt me from the ground up.  He continues to rebuild me to this day.  I went into seminary with hopes of becoming a college pastor, but discovered along the way that I love to journey with people and eventually found myself a spiritual director moving towards retreat ministry.

This was not the path I planned for.  Yet, I am continually glad that the Lord’s vision for my life is vast and wide reaching – much more so than I could ever envision.  I cannot help but thinking of these unplanned paths as I reflect on the Christmas narrative.  Moment after moment seems odd.  Why Bethlehem?  Why Mary?  Why a manger?  If I’m honest, if I’d been in charge of this whole Jesus being born event, it would look incredibly different.  Perhaps a more respectable town.  An older woman or at least not one who’s virtue would be called into doubt owing to her marital status.  And a manger?  For God incarnate?  Surely there must be a cleaner, more respectable place?

I’m not alone in questioning God’s plan.  Mary had her questions when visited by the angel, asking: “How will this be, since I am a virgin?”  (Luke 1:34, ESV)  I wonder how many more questions she longed to ask in that moment.  Why me?  What will people say?  What do I tell my fiancé? 

Yet, these questions did not cause Mary to turn in rebellion.  Her response is beautifully recorded just a few verses later, in what is traditionally known as the Magnificat (literally in Latin, “my soul magnifies”):

And Mary said,

“My soul magnifies the Lord,

and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,

for he has looked on the humble estate of his servant.

    For behold, from now on all generations will call me blessed;

for he who is mighty has done great things for me,

    and holy is his name.

And his mercy is for those who fear him

    from generation to generation.

He has shown strength with his arm;

    he has scattered the proud in the thoughts of their hearts;

he has brought down the mighty from their thrones

    and exalted those of humble estate;

he has filled the hungry with good things,

    and the rich he has sent away empty.

He has helped his servant Israel,

    in remembrance of his mercy,

as he spoke to our fathers,

    to Abraham and to his offspring forever.”

-Luke 1:46-55, ESV

She did not know how her story would end, nor did she know at that moment how the story of her son would.  Her response comes from a place of trust in God.  And I am humbled when I consider her courageous trust.  It is easy for me to acknowledge God’s ways when I am experiencing the resolution.  It is much more difficult for me to trust him when my future is obscured from mine eyes.  When only he is before me.  This Christmas I am reminded that though God’s paths may vary from mine, he is trust worthy.  I remember Mary’s response and pray that I may too say yes to God’s plan.