Fear and Loathing in Vocational Wanderings

About a year and a half ago I took a course on vocation. It was a deeply meaningful class to me. One of our assignments was to spend time in prayer with the Lord on various aspects of our vocation. This morning I read through those prayer projects. I think I was able to see themes that weren’t visible to me at the time. I read project after project in which I wrote on my fear in looking at my calling, but also noticed my consistent experience of God’s love through each time. I also came to one project that had me list out my wishes for life. I was amazed to find how similar (even identical) they are to my wishes now. I always talk about how changeful I am, but seeing this list woke me up to the settled parts of my heart. They are there. Coming across this reality felt so reassuring.

I have quite a bit of free time this month and I am taking this space to consider next steps in my life. Part of that has been to research career paths. These are fearful places for me (notice that theme of fear I mentioned in the previous paragraph). I feel as though I have so many possibilities to consider. If I do this, then how does it conflict with this other area of my life? Are they both possible? How much do I wait? How much do I take advantage of the freedom I currently have? And of course the big question, Where is God directing me in the midst of my questions? I tread carefully. Sometimes. I am longing for the moment when it all becomes clear. When I have that realization that this is the direction in which I am to head. This is it! I have had moments before when that has been reality. I am not sure if this experience will follow the same protocol. Do I wait for that a-ha moment, or do I move step by step, guided by God’s whispers? As I type this, I suspect it may be the latter. And maybe this morning has been one of those whispers, a reassurance that the Lord has settled these desires in my heart (for the present time). I still have no idea what it will all look like practically, but I feel some peace, as if His hand is on my back, guiding me.