Turning a Corner

I turned a corner this summer.  To be honest, I didn’t think it was possible.  The year preceding it felt sad and lonely and confined.  It seemed to stretch on forever without end.  I actually don’t think I realized how hard this year was until now, as I look back upon it.  It’s funny how time can widen and deepen our view.  Over summer my friend sent me a quote from Frederick Buechner:

The only thing worse than being fed up with the world is being fed up with yourself.  I envied the pigs their slops because at least they knew what they were hungry for whereas I was starving to death and had no idea why. 

As I read through this quote again this morning, I recognize so much of my own feelings from the past year.  I was tired of being miserable, but had no idea how to get out of it.  And I was sick of myself being this way. 

I met with this same friend yesterday.  She’d been away for the summer and as we shared and caught up, we realized how this summer was a season of shifting for each of us.  Our circumstances have basically remained the same, but our outlook is so very different.  Where the future seemed bleak and limited, hope has crept in, refracting our outlooks into multiple possibilities.  I’m not quite sure how I ended up here.  I’m thrilled to feel this way, but cannot identify what has allowed this change. 

I am a pessimist.  It’s true.  Ask anyone who know me.  At times, my pessimism limits my purview.  Another friend of mine is good at pointing this out in a loving way.  When I talk about circumstances and their assured grim outcomes, she will listen, but then name other possibilities.  “Yes, Jen, you may be stuck in this place forever.  But you also might not be.  No one is forcing you to stay in this place.”  I love when she speaks these truths over me. She doesn’t do it in a sunshiney, Pollyanna, bubbly way (I don’t know if we would be such good friends if that were the case).  Her words and tone of voice convey that she hears me, but also speaks truth in a way that doesn’t limit what I’m feeling.  I need to hear this.  I need to be reminded my story doesn’t end here. 

In the midst of this furnace-y year, I feel sturdy in a new way.  I have a deeper sense of knowing who I am.  But it’s not just knowing who I am.  It’s knowing who I am and feeling peace with that.  For years I have wrestled through being a strong woman.  I’ve tried to hide or dampen that part of myself.  I don’t want to do that anymore.  I don’t feel shame over this aspect of myself.  Similarly, I have been confused about my creativity.  It has warred with the more practical areas of my personality.  And practicality has so often won.  However, I’ve recently been reminded of my creative voice.  I love my creative voice.  It is an integral part of who I am. 

I don’t know what this all means, but I do know whom it is who will be stepping into the next months of possibilities.

Me.

Comedic Creativity

Do you ever have a moment when you realize something about yourself?  I’ve been having those moments a lot this summer.  Mostly recently I have come to the realization that I really enjoy comedians.  Specifically, I enjoy hearing about their process of creativity and have been reading various books by comedians.  Miranda Hart.  David Sedaris (not labeled a comedian, but definitely teeters on the line in my mind).  Mindy Kaling.  Steve Martin.  This was not intentional, but just sort of happened.  And this week I noticed the trend.

I’ve been on vacation this week and on Friday I made it out to the library.  I picked up Steve Martin’s book “Born Standing Up,” First, Martin is a spectacular writer.  He is not cliché with his words, yet is able to beautifully describe a moment in a way that captures you.  I knew he was writing, but didn’t know how gifted he was with the pen/typewriter/keyboard (you get what I’m saying).  He only covers the first part of his career, that of a stand-up comedian… 

“In a sense, this book is not an autobiography but a biography, because I am writing about someone I used to know…I ignored my stand-up career for twenty-five years, but now, having finished this memoir, I view this time with surprising warmth.  One can have, it turns out, an affection for the war years.” 

As I became increasingly engrossed in the book, which I read in one day (the gift of being on vacation), I found myself fascinated by the development of his act.  Later, as I drove home, I wondered what it would look like for to be a comedian, or a comedic writer.  In reading Martin’s book, I realized that being a comedian doesn’t just mean being funny.  It takes an exploration of what makes people laugh, connecting with the audience, and understanding how to play with their expectations.  I began to dream of experimenting with comedy.  If I enjoy this so much, why has it never felt like an option (I think I know the answer to that question)? 

Last night I performed at an open mic night as part of my friend’s 30^th birthday party.  It has been a long time since I have performed anything and the prospect felt enlivening.  I had planned to sing a song about “Pride and Prejudice,” but decided to add some comedy before singing (nothing like Jane Austen themed comedy to get a crowd rolling).  I really enjoyed crafting what I was going to say.  Creating points to cover, while allowing for there to be flexibility in what I said exactly.  I practiced in my car, in the shower, and as I got ready.  I really enjoyed myself last night.  It was messy and not everything I said elicited a laugh, but it was fun to experiment and try something new. 

I’ve been wondering what it looks like for me to welcome in more of my creative self into daily life.  I don’t have a lot of answers at this point, but I do feel freed to experiment.  Perhaps it’s time to find avenues to sing more?  Maybe I’ll take an improv class?  Sometimes I just wait for things to happen, but today I feel oddly empowered to step out and try something new.  And I think this all started last spring when I began to blog more regularly. 

So, here’s to continuing to unleash creative me even more!  What within you might you need to unleash upon the world?