Modesty Musings

Last April I attended Q LA, a gathering to discuss ideas for the common good.  The event is structured similarly to TED, where each presentation is under 20 minutes.  At Q, presenters speak for 18, 9 or 3 minutes.  One of the talks I heard came from Jessica Rey on modesty.  This past week, I’ve seen her video “blow up” on Facebook.  I actually had mixed thoughts on her presentation and thought it might be worthwhile to discuss here.  I’ll begin by saying that Jessica had the 9 minute slot, which anyone will admit is challenging to thoroughly discuss any issue in-depth, not the least modesty.  I’d also like to add that I do support the practice of modesty, as long as we are willing to enter into the nuances of what modesty is and is not.

My main frustration with Rey’s talk is the oversimplification of the modesty issue.  To talk about modesty is to consider issues of the body, shame, views towards women, objectification, manipulation, sexuality, control, and relationality (by no means an exhaustive list).  It is through the complexity of this list, that I realize that this whole conversation points to something more significant than clothing. 

I hear a deeper echo.  An echo of the heart, which is more complex and nuanced than we can fully comprehend. 

We are sick at a heart level and our messy beliefs about our bodies and sexuality leak out of our hearts.  We have been told lies and half-truths and have internalized them as fact.  It follows that modesty is not at its core an issue of clothing, but rather is an issue of the heart.  If we are to engage in a conversation on modesty it has to start at a heart level.  

When the conversation begins with clothing, it becomes rule based.  Wear this.  Don’t wear that.  I do not need anyone to participate in my modesty.  I can just put on a turtleneck and baggy pants and I can check off the modesty box.  Yet, no matter how much I wear the “right” things, this in no way addresses the root of the matter.  I still may feel body shame.  I still may lust.   When we start with the heart, we get to the root of what is truly motivating our actions. 

Starting the modesty conversation at a heart level also acknowledges that we are needy and cannot do this alone.  I need you and you need me.  And we both need Jesus like no other.   Both men and women are welcomed into the arena at a level playing field.  What’s needed as we step into this issue is not a bunch of do’s and don’ts’s , but rather a willingness to get real about what is in our hearts.  To listen.  To explore why we lust.  To explore why we feel shame about our bodies.  To relate to each other.  To open our hearts to God and let him teach us true modesty.   A modesty that seeks to love and honor the other person, while also cherishing our God-given bodies.  Not a “modesty” that seeks to control and isolate. 

As our distorted views on the body and sexuality come to light, they will not be healed ultimately by more or less clothing.  That isn’t to say that there will not be shifts in what is worn or how we view the opposite sex’s bodies, but it is not the clothing that will lead to modesty.  It is solely through relationship with God that we can be healed and learn what it means to have a modest heart.  Modesty is not something you wear, it is a character of the heart.  And it is from the heart that all else flows. 

Lord, show us the way. 

……….

Further reading on modesty:

Rachel Held Evan thoughtfully explores they ways in which the modesty conversation can lead to the objectification of women.  I’d definitely recommend your reading it:

A discussion on whether the modesty movement is helpful or hurtful by Jonathan Merritt:

A collection of varying thoughts on modesty from the excellent Her-meneutics blog:

Much Ado about Much Ado

At some point in my life I made a life altering choice.  I decided that Much Ado About Nothing was my favorite play.  Not just my favorite Shakespeare play mind you, but my favorite play.  Ever.  Now, it’s hard for me to make such a stark statement as that.  I tend not to have one absolute favorite anything.  It feels confining.  What if I change my mind?  What if it only speaks to me in a particular season of life?  I mean, I was obsessed about Titanic during high school and am embarrassed about that fact today.  And while I did study the history of the sinking of the ship, I also was often found loudly singing My Heart Will Go On many a times in my car (with the window open, as my car was without air conditioning).  I also may or may not have known all the quotes from the film that were played in the re-mix edition of the song. 

So clearly there is some history with claiming any art work, film, book, or play as my favorite.  Despite all of this drama, Much Ado made the cut.  I never had to read the play in school, but I think my first exposure to the play was in high school.  I was camping out at the local movie theater for Star Wars: Episode I (yes, I was that girl) and one of the guys in our group had brought his sister along.  She was very much not into the whole Star Wars thing, so had brought a tv/vcr (mind you, this was before DVD days) and was watching the Kenneth Branagh version of Much Ado.  It caught my interest and I believe I watched the entire film not too long after.  It’s a great version to cut one’s teeth on.  Branagh stayed true to the story, making only slight modifications to the text, and corralled a spectacular cast (with the exception of Keanu Reeves, who is horrible). 

I loved the witty language, the fun bantering, and the utterly ridiculous Dogberry.  But mostly, I loved seeing a positive portrayal of a strong woman.  Beatrice, while not without fault, is able to toe the line of being independent yet remains likable (in stark contrast to Katherine in Taming of the Shrew).  And her moments of rage when her cousin is wronged are beautifully vulnerable:

 Oh, that I were a man! What, bear her in hand until they come to take hands and then, with public accusation, uncovered slander, unmitigated rancor—O God, that I were a man! I would eat his heart in the marketplace….. I cannot be a man with wishing, therefore I will die a woman with grieving.

(Act IV, Scene I)

This scene never ceases to amaze me.  Suddenly, this witty comedy turns seeming tragedy and a simple profession of love leads to an impassioned cry for justice.  Actually, this is my favorite scene of the play.  Wow, here I am, picking another favorite.  Wonders never cease.

I’ve seen the play performed live.  Time for another favorite.  My favorite experience at the theater.  I saw Much Ado performed by the Royal Shakespeare Theater in Stratford-upon-Avon.  I went alone, sat in a tiny theatre, a few rows back, and loved every moment.  The play was staged in pre-revolutionary Cuba and at one point a character lights a (Cuban) cigar, adding another sensation into the theatrical mix – smell.  While I don’t like the smell of cigars, the act brought me even more into the experience.  Not surprising, I was treated to spectacular performances, which even out shined Kenneth Branagh’s version. 

Back in early 2010, a little band from the UK, Mumford and Sons, was starting to gain popularity.  At my church.  The lead singer’s parents’ had stayed at my church decades ago (and were still acquainted with many from th church) and so all of these church ladies were attending their concerts in little clubs down in Hollywood.  I thought it was ridiculous.  I assumed this band was only liked because of the connection and refused to listen to them.  I expressed this to a friend, who agreed with my sentiment, but also expressed that regardless, they were a really good band.  He played the album for me and the song that made me change my tune (pun intended) for them was their opening Sigh No More.  Why you ask?  Because the song heavily quotes….Can you guess?  Much Ado About Nothing.  It was my gateway into appreciating the band.

Most recently, the play has again been on my mind with the release of Joss Whedon’s version.  I must admit, I was excited for this film and kept hoping that it wouldn’t suck.  I knew it was risky.  I’ve been disappointed by films before, but I couldn’t help but expect something magical.  I’d meant to drive up to LA to watch it, as it’s in limited release, but was having a hard time finding the time.  Then, one not so special day, it appeared at the little art house theater by me.  Hooray!  I went alone (company or no, it’s still a treat to hear these fun words) and thoroughly enjoyed Whedon’s unique vision.  Set in modern day, but retaining the original language, I was impressed with his ability to stay true to the story, but having some fun with inflection, staging, and cinematography.  I was amazed to hear that it was filmed in 11 days.  When watching the performances, it sure doesn’t seem like these actors were “winging it”.  Especially those of Amy Acker and Nathan Fillion.  Acker, who played Beatrice, had an easiness to her delivery, giving these old words new life.  She brought a tenderness to the role that I’ve not often seen.  Fillion played Dogberry, the buffoonish constable.  While his performance was comedic as hoped, he also brought an empathetic quality that added some extra layers to his character. 

I don’t quite know how to end this post.  It’s my favorite play, I’ve experienced it in different formats.  I haven’t learned any lessons, but am remembering that I just plain like writing about this play.  I’m close to 1,000 words and realize how trivial this all may be.  Perhaps I am engaged in my own, much ado.  About nothing?  

Profile in Review

Let me take a minute now to discuss bad profile photos.  There was a time, not too long ago, when you took a photo, finished a roll of film, then took it to get developed.  Sometimes you hit the jackpot and got some great shots.  Other times, your roll was blurry and out of focus, or just didn’t capture a person at his or her best.  Today, we have a wonderful thing called a digital camera.  “But Jen, how does this affect my profile photo?”  I’m glad you asked.  See, upon taking a photo, one can immediately see if it is a good shot.  If your face resembles a demon-possessed girl, then try, try again.  My point is this.  I see so many awful photos on dating sites and all it would take is another shot that is in better light, not out of focus, not cropping out an ex-girlfriend, not you with a creepy stalker expression, etc. One more thing.  Please crop out the toilet in the back ground of your selfie.

So, here is my list of photos to avoid on your online dating profile (note: this list pertains mostly towards men, but don’t worry, a female edition is on its way):

- Blurry photo: I hate when a guy posts a blurry photo…and that's the only photo. In this age of digital technology, how hard is it to take another photo? 

-Awkward animal photos – I appreciate that you are an animal lover, but please avoid the photo of you with a monkey hiding in your jacket.  I am not kidding.  I have witnessed this photo.  It took me a moment until I came across the fact that this guy had a monkey cradled in his wind breaker.  Ask my roommates.  They have seen this photo.  I don’t really need to explain this one, do I?

-Cropped Photo: This beauty of a profile pic occurs when there is a girl obviously cropped out of the photo. Are you trying to tell me that you're desirable? Instead, you look like a player.  Just choose another photo.

-Act your age: Also, it doesn’t bode well for us when you’re profile photo makes you look like Justin Bieber…and you’re in your thirties. 

-Partying/Drinking photos: That’s great that you enjoy a beer every now and then, but posting shots of you getting trashed just aren’t appealing.  Especially on a Christian dating site.  Just saying.  

-Group photo: I dread the group shot.  Especially when a few of the guys look similar or it’s from far away.  Even worse when it’s the only photo on the profile.  Seriously?  Where are you?

-Unusual clothing: You make think it’s hilarious to post a photo of you in a strange outfit or your Star Trek costume.  Think again. Definitely be who you are, but maybe save those photos for later on.

-Head shots: These are mock posed head shots complete with awkward poses.  Seriously, who naturally sits like that?  Olan Mills called and they want their photo back.  Extra points if there is a tacky background.  

-Selfies: I’m not completely opposed to self shots, but they tend to be at awkward angles, poor lighting and out of focus.  Using the mirror in your bathroom just feels lazy.  Ask a friend.  I’m sure they’ll take a photo of you.  But if you must use a selfie, please crop out the toilet in the background.  Again, I have seen this photo on a dating site. 

Final Thoughts: While a photo cannot express all the complexities of a human, they do provide some basic information on a person.  Keep it simple, recent, and close-up.  And be yourself.

Thanks to my brother for allowing these photos of him to be used on the blog.  For your information:

-Most of these were posed

-Sorry ladies, he’s taken by the lovely Alex (who graciously took most of the photos for this post)

My Pie Plate Overfloweth

Yesterday was my birthday and it was not a day I was initially looking forward to.  About a month ago, a couple of friends had asked me about my birthday plans and I almost burst into tears.  This year has been continually changing, growing, moving, isolating, and, confusing.  Much in my life has changed and I have struggled in the midst of my shifting world.  So, the thought of celebrating a birthday felt lonely.  Who would I celebrate with?  Even as I write these words, the tears come.  My thirty first year in this world has been difficult, to say the least. 

Our beautiful hotel in Santorini

However, the loveliest surprise smashed into my dismay on Wednesday.  I was walking through the retreat center I work at and was reminded of a time, almost two years ago.  I was in Europe with my two closest friends, just finishing up our time in Santorini, Greece.  Up till that point, I had been dreading turning 30.  It felt like such a big number and I realized all the expectations I had for my life at that point (i.e. marriage, steady job) that were not actualized.  But there was a moment, waiting in line for our boat back to Athens when it hit me.  Yes, I am not married, but look at the rich things God has given.  I’m always prone to expect the worst in life and even on my trip to Europe (I had a foot injury right before that I was convinced would ruin the trip).  Yet my trip had been amazing thus far.  I kept experiencing moment after moment of God’s goodness.  And then I remembered the abundant provisions of God throughout my twenties.  I came to a conclusion on that boat dock, if God has had such good gifts for me up until now, how could that not be true in my thirties?  In that moment, a piece of my unbelief began to believe. 

In this past week, I’ve had a similar experience, of feeling overwhelmed with God’s love and goodness.  The first piece has been my brother’s college graduation.  This was a day that at one point I couldn’t have even hoped for it seemed so out of the realm of possibility.  It was such a special day, seeing my little (now not so

little) brother walk across that stage in his cap and gown, knowing the journey he has walked.  It was a day of joyful tears and deep celebrations.  Then on Tuesday, my co-workers had a birthday explosion on my desk!  We had lunch and it came with beautiful flowers (which happened to contain my favorite flower, dahlias, unbeknownst to my co-workers) and a new book.  It was much more than I was expecting and I loved the time with each of them that day.  On Wednesday I was facilitating a direction group and we were interrupted by a young man who needed help.  I had a moment when I almost brushed him off in order to keep my own plans.  Somehow, I felt the nudge of God and we all were able to love and care for this person.  My plans were thrown out the window, but I felt grateful to be part of God’s unfolding plans.  The experience that night somehow reminded me of why I want to walk with and care for people, pointing them towards the only one who can fully care for them.  I came home that night to my lost Birchbox (a monthly subscription I have for beauty samples) and it was one of the best ones yet, as well as a birthday card from a dear friend who is not in town.  By this point, I was actually looking forward to my birthday.  I felt overwhelmed by all that God had put in my path thus far.  He must have smiled at that moment in anticipation, knowing what was to come on my actual birthday.

I woke up on my birthday to find my apartment decorated by my lovely roommates.  No one’s day can start off poorly when you wake up to streamers and banners in honor of you.  Then, it was off to my friend Chelsea’s place so we could drive up to Downtown LA.  I was gifted with a fun book, which I can’t wait to read!  We stopped by one of my favorite coffee shops in LA, Handsome Coffee and had a fun interaction with the folks working there.  Then, we went to heaven on earth, AKA The Pie Hole.  I walked into the shop and was shocked to see my friend Kim there.  I immediately thought, what a coincidence that we happen to be here at the same time.  Then it dawned on me: this was planned.  This is a birthday surprise.  I wish I could have seen my face as it switched from confusion to knowing to excitement.  I even did a little happy dance in the moment.  But there were more surprises to come.  I ordered my food, an heirloom tomato pie and a Mexican chocolate pie, and the cashier told me it was on the house in honor of my birthday.  Again, I wish I could have seen my response.  The Pie Hole isn’t cheap and this was probably $15-20 worth of food.  Just free.  I was in shock.  I asked again.  I thanked the cashier.  I did a happy dance again.  Chelsea, Kim and I sat down and were treated to some of the best pies ever.  We all sampled each other’s, but all agreed that the Mexican Chocolate Pie was the best.  It was so good that you had to close your eyes while eating it.  As we were finishing up, the staff sent over another free piece of pie.  What?  With a birthday candle in it.  What is going on here LA?  Since when did you get so nice?  We ended up writing a thank you note to the cashier and as we were leaving we exchanged a round of hugs with her.  My day could have ended there and I would have been fine.  We spend some time walking around the Arts District, where I kind of want to live now, just enjoying each other’s company.  Kim headed off and Chels and I visited the Fashion district and then had a yummy dinner at Bottega Louie.  We had a car mishap in between that all, but it was fixable and it afforded a nice break in the midst of our full day.  By the time we arrived back to Orange County we were properly tired and ready for bed. 

Chelsea, Kim and I at The Pie Hole

The Mexican Chocolate Pie that changed my life

When I wrote my thank you note to the cashier at The Pie Hole, I wrote “my cup (pie plate) overfloweth.”  And that has become my phrase for turning 32.  I didn’t expect to feel this way.  I expected a disappointing, lonely day.  I’m so grateful that God’s plans for me are different.  It is often hard for me to believe that the Lord has good for me.  I’m predisposed to anticipate the worst.  But this week, another piece of unbelief begins to believe. 

P.S. Extra big thanks so my roommates, Kim, and Chelsea for making by day so incredibly special.  Chels planned the surprise at The Pie Hole and sneakily was texting and calling as we were headed to the shop.  

The Impossible Task: Winning an Oscar?

I finally was able to view “The Impossible,” a film that tells the story of a family who found themselves caught in the middle of the tsunami in Thailand back in 2005.  While there have been mixed thoughts on the film, due largely to ignoring the impact of the tsunami on the Thai people and changes to the original story, it was the acting that garnered this film its recognition.  Its lead actress, Naomi Watts, was nominated for numerous awards last season, and rightly so.  Her performance was layered and in moments, beautifully vulnerable.  Watch this clip for proof.

Apparently scarves are for serious actors

So, going into this film, I had high expectations for her performance, but I was pleasantly surprised by the acting of both the young man who played her son (Tom Holland) and Ewan McGregor.  And it got me thinking of how many times Ewan has been overlooked as an actor.  As I consider his film career, he has continued to do interesting films and give solid performances.  It frustrates me that some actors can give continually good performances, but for some odd reason, never become award material (whatever that means).  Sadly, I wonder if it is impossible for Ewan to be nominated. 

I decided to take a little jaunt down memory lane (thanks to one of my favorite sites ever, internet movie database – imdb.com) and recollect some of my favorite performances of his:

Trainspotting: I have to begin by stating that I have never seen this film, but it feels like a crime to not mention it.  Truly, this is the film that started Ewan’s career. 

Emma, Little Voice & Brassed Off: I group these films together, because his performances weren’t award material necessarily, but solidly acted in delightful little stories.  He hasn’t always picked the best films, but he has tended towards more independent ones, and I respect that. 

Star Wars, Episodes I-III: Now let me begin by stating how frustrating these films were for me.  I have a tender place in my heart for Star Wars, growing up watching the original trilogy.  I was incredibly excited for the prequels and waited in multitudes of lines on opening nights.  Ugh.  I feel pretty safe in not having to explain my disappointment in these films, but for me the glimmer of hope was Obi Wan. I’m convinced that George Lucas is a better producer than director.  There’s a long running joke about Lucas’ direction style, revolving around the phrase,“faster and with more intensity.”  Basically, that is the only direction he provides his actors.  Empire Strikes Back, commonly seen as the best of the films, was directed by Irvin Kershner.  So, the fact that Ewan did even a decent job in this film, to me, speaks to his skills as an actor.  I mean yeesh, even Natalie Portman has gone on to get an Oscar and she was very plastic and flat in the prequels (of which I blame Lucas more than her). 

Moulin Rouge –I realize Nicole Kidman was in the midst of a divorce when this film came out, but I always thought that Ewan’s vocal performance was much stronger and perhaps not quite as "produced".  Apparently, Baz Luhrmann has a thing for typewriters (see “The Great Gatsby”).

Big Fish – I’d forgotten about this film and it took my glance through Ewan’s imdb page to remember.  Him and Albert Finney seamlessly portray the enigmatical, yet extremely likable main character.

Beginners: Upon viewing this film, I was extremely disappointed that Ewan’s performance was not recognized.  All of the acting glory went to Christopher Plummer, who was quite good, but it was Ewan’s performance that really resonated with me. His deep sadness is evident, even without him saying a word.

The Impossible: I admired Ewan’s ability to waver between falling apart and keeping it together.  This scene perfectly exemplifies this skill.  He didn’t over emote, but his instability feels felt incredibly relatable.  I didn’t wonder why he was feeling what he felt, but felt joined with him in his trauma.

I suppose musings like this make me wonder how many wonderful performances are missed due to the business that is the film industry.  It’s a shame, but it is a special moment when you come across these overlooked actors.  I know I feel some sort of obligation when I find an interesting performance, story, director.  I have to let others know, lest they miss out.  So, here’s to finding the unseen performances!

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Question for you, who are your favorite overlooked actors?

Dating as Sanctification

I posted this blog a couple of years ago, but still resonate with the feelings I expressed at that point.  

Hope you survive this Monday - I know I woke up desiring a bit more sleep.

Jen

……….

I had the privilege of skyping with a dear friend today (so grateful for technology in those moments) and my dating life came up. Her friend had read a book that recommended single people to make it a goal over one week’s time to have a conversation with, and give their contact information, to five members of the opposite sex. She thought it might be something I should try. My response? Panic. Pure and utter panic. Now, she is not a friend who goes around trying to fix me. When she gives a recommendation, I know she has prayed about it and that it is at the very least, worth my consideration. The panic itself was sort of a confirmation that everything was not ok internally, that these are places the Lord wants to heal, and that I was headed in the right direction. Crap.

Part of me can see the Lord’s call in this. The other part is terrified. This is the way things go with me. When the Lord touches parts of my heart that are extremely vulnerable I respond with panic and stubbornness. But eventually it dies down and I relent. I am waiting for the relenting to begin.

Gary Thomas wrote a book called “Sacred Marriage”. His thesis revolves around the idea that, while marriage can be a joyful thing, its main purpose is for sanctification. As I sat and thought about this conversation with my friend, I had a similar idea about dating. Dating, at least for me, feels like a process of sanctification. It feels a little odd to write this, and yet, I think it is true. Somehow, through this bizarre process of meeting others, the Lord is purifying me, and revealing the places in me that are scared to trust another. To trust another man. To trust God. Or in my case, considering going out and more intentionally meeting others.

Still not relenting yet, but maybe a few steps closer to doing so. Lord have mercy!

Thoughts on a brother, upon his graduation from college, AKA You Taught Me

My brother graduates from college on Saturday.  And while words cannot fully express how proud I am, I will still attempt a few thoughts on my experience with him.  Congratulations Andrew!  I'm so glad I get to be your sister. Love, love, love you!

Straight up Gangsta!

Still colorful

Feeling grand

You were born into chaos

Yet brought joy

An unexpected surprise

More than could be dreamed;

I didn’t know what it meant to be a sister:

You taught me

Your blue eyes and ever changing hair

Shedding your clothes like a wild animal

Flashes of you smiling, laughing and snuffing

But even then not always so;

I couldn’t understand your withdrawals:

You taught me

A tender heart

So often hurt - so often misunderstood

Stomach aches

Too deep to comprehend;

Unfailing generosity and empathy:

You taught me

You grew and grew

Suddenly one day, taller

I was too busy to really see you

Missed precious time;

Still you gave unmerited love:

You taught me

I remember the call

The fear of loss

The trauma - the panic - the sadness

Never ending anxiety;

I never knew grief before:

You taught me

Slow growth and blooming

Miraculous before my eyes

I gave you up

But saw you resurrected;

God’s immeasurable grace:

You taught me

Standing now

A man before me

I wonder where the child went

Yet catch the twinkle still in your eye;

Strength, compassion, and love:

You taught me

Taste is Taste

Hi Friends, Jen here.  I'm in the midst of a busy week, with my brother graduating from college and a full week at work. A friend of mine, John Doukas, has graciously accepted the task of writing a guest post for today.  Besides being an avid music lover, John has faithfully walked with those who surround him whether at church, work, or Old Towne Orange, and is a spectacular photographer.  I'm so grateful to have him posting today.  Thanks again John!

To see some of John's brilliant photography click here or check out his recent trip to Jordan and Lebanon here.

………..

Recently while on a break at Starbucks, I saw the new Vampire Weekend album at the register. Picking it up and glancing at the album artwork showing a vintage New York City skyline, I thought I would chance buying it. I hadn’t heard it yet, but from liking some of their previous songs I like, I considered myself a fan. Well, before popping it in my car stereo, I had to make mp3’s so it could go on my iPhone, so it could be streamed in my car via bluetooth (hey, it’s cooler that way!). Finally, after work, did I get to listen to it. A lot was on my mind at the moment and so their music became background music to my thoughts. In the traffic home, from what I could hear of it, a thought crept to mind, “did I just waste $13 on this album? It doesn’t sound like the songs of theirs I like.” After a short while, I switched it to some Nirvana and found some familiarity to where I could sing along and unwind from the day.

So, when I Jen asked for a blog, I got to thinking about that day. I’m 35 and I consider myself still to be fairly young. Back in the late 80’s to early 90’s, I was just beginning to discover my personal tastes. CD’s were new to me and I had received my own cd player for Christmas. Starting with just what was on the radio, I bought what I liked, ranging from Michael Jackson, Boyz 2 Men, En Vogue, Guns n Roses, Weird Al, and others I don’t know if I can also admit to. My taste was fairly broad there, but I wasn’t exactly aware that I had taste, I just liked it. Admittedly though, I would get disappointed at the songs I didn’t know, thinking of how foreign they felt. I liked the singles from the radio airplay, and that was about it. Some friends would try to turn me onto stuff like Def Leppard or Motley Crue, but to me it just sounded junky. Singing about girls and sex seemed a bit boring to me. The music videos were cheesy too. Occasionally I’d find a GNR song I liked, only because it had cuss words. Songs like that became instant favorites as they had a feeling of being tough, even at my age of 13. But, I would see an occasional Metallica album and think that seemed a lot cooler. Their videos seemed to tap into something I was yet unaware of. Less and less did I listen to Michael Jackson or En Vogue, but I would have a stronger leaning toward rock music.

Before and during my high school years, I grew even more into having music as my identity. I would see kids dressed up as punk rockers (real ones with Mohawks, boots, wife beaters, chains, smelling of B-O) and think they looked a little too serious to be taken seriously. As a gift, I received a Led Zeppelin box set, and I slow to getting into it. There were songs though that just seemed awesome. Then my older brother got a Nirvana album (Nevermind) for Christmas, and I would sneak into his room to listen to it. They looked like normal guys, their album was blue (my favorite color) water. It felt fun, fresh, and just flat out cool. I didn’t know it was a popular album or anything like that. It was often just me alone, enjoying the music I liked.

In my junior year of high school, I got to sit next to this kid who always had a walkman and a bunch of tapes (remember those?). After a short period, I would look through his tapes and recognized none of the bands. We got to talking about music and he would tell me about these bands, as most of them were underground so n so’s, who were way cooler than what was on the radio. He let me listen to them, and I had to admit, I just liked them. Bands like Farside, Drive Like Jehu, Sensefield, Dead Kennedys, Fugazi (ok, I’m probably losing you by now), none of which I had heard before and or since. There were songs I liked. I asked where he finds this stuff, as Sam Goody or Blockbuster Music seemed to only have what was poopular (a typo at first, but I thought it sounded funny). He pointed me to a store called Bionic Records, in Fullerton. It became a quest to find this place. A friend and I went and we found it to be full of bands we never heard of. Instantly I felt a bit too uncool to be there with the employees. So I went for the bands my friend had suggested in class. After a few months, I had a bunch of underground albums/bands in my backpack at school, and I felt cool finally. Also, I was reading a Nirvana biography at the same time, and discovered bands such as the Melvins and Mudhoney. Cool thing was, I genuinely liked them. Also during high school, I discovered live concerts. I became initiated in mosh pits (the kinds with flying elbows and harsh pushing). I loved it. Then something else new happened...

When other friends and I would talk about music, it became sort of a pissing match of who’s tastes were better. I sort of automatically dismissed radio/popular stuff as being bland and sucky. The real gems were in the underground. Music had become so much of my identity that I would take it as a personal insult if you didn’t like what I like. I would size people up in their musical tastes. Then, the bands I liked, I idolized them. Anything they said was gospel and standard of cool. They don’t like something, I don’t like something. They respect something, I respect something. As the 90’s passed, I grew further into this. Then my life was interrupted.

In the year of 2000, after a long but seemingly fast process, I became a believer in Jesus. That is a story for another time, but music followed in that. One day while browsing Napster, I wondered if there was such a thing as Christian music. So I found some stuff by Hank Williams, whoever he was. I didn’t notice at first that it sounded like country (country was a dirty word to me), but he sang about Jesus. It was just cool to me that someone would sing about Him. A friend, while driving with me, heard one of the songs (I Saw the Light) and thought I was coo-koo. Normally you would find me listening to stuff like Misfits or Slayer, aside from my main favorites, but to hear twangy country in my car, about Jesus no less...what?! But, I didn’t care, I liked it.

As the 2000’s progressed, I became more absorbed with Christian music. After a while though, I started to realize I didn’t like some of it. It again had a sort of fake feeling, hearkening to just trying to sound popular or good enough for radio. But I would discover bands who were Christians, such as POD, and just enjoyed them. They sounded real, in my tastes. Plus, I started to discover, it’s ok to like what I like, AND, it’s ok for others to like what they like. From letting my opinions take a backseat, I’ve gotten to discover great music from other friends. Music ranging from Adele, Mumford and Sons, Nirvana, Delirious?, the Melvins, Elvis, Beethoven, Vampire Weekend...to name some...I heard from other people. But, they’re me. Over the years I learned the value of just being honest with myself, and just enjoying others being themselves.

Thanks for your time!

P.S. I finally listened to the new Vampire Weekend and it’s growing on me.

Summer Wedding Series: Own the Dance Floor

It’s the final segment in the Summer Wedding Series!  By now you should be armed and ready to step into the battle that is attending a wedding as a single person:

Expectations adjusted?  Check

Avoiding awkward comments on singleness?  Check

Gracefully ditching the bouquet toss, thanks to SashaFierce?  Check and check

Owning the dance floor?  See below…

My absolute favorite part of a wedding is the dancing.  Hi my name is Jen and I am a wedding dancer.  I don’t like going out to clubs, disco techs, or wherever the kids are going these days.  But I do love to dance and a wedding is a perfect venue to get down with your bad self (good self, conflicted self?). 

Wedding Dancing in Action

At my old apartment we had a Wii and my absolute favorite game was Wii dance.  That was my best preparation for wedding season, because I was exposed to the latest songs and learned little dance routines to go along with them.  My absolute favorite moment last summer at a wedding was when Katy Perry’s “Firework” came on and my roommate and I taught the dance floor the moves to that song.  It was a spectacular moment!  We were all fireworks that night. 

As I go into wedding season, I usually have a couple of songs that are my songs.  These are the songs that no matter where I am and what I am doing I will run to the dance floor.  As mentioned above, “Firework” is one of these songs.  Pretty much anything by Lady Gaga works as well.  There are of course the various songs from the 60’s on that are favorites and unify a wedding crowd.  Ultimately though, music choice will reside with the DJ and this person can make or break a wedding.  A DJ is like the bass player in a band.  You may not notice his/her presence musically, but take out the bass and the music just seems a bit flat and dull.  A DJ doesn’t just pick out the music, but knows what songs work at particular times and is adept at choosing an amazing last song.  For those planning weddings, if you’re going to have dancing, don’t cheap out on a DJ (unless your second cousin with an iPod really is that good - doubtful). 

What makes wedding dancing so fun is that there really is something worth celebrating when two people come together.  If ever there is a reason to eat, drink, and be merry, a wedding takes the cake (pun intended).  No one takes themselves too seriously when dancing at a wedding and it’s a great chance to see even the most uptight person relax.  For me, dancing at a wedding feels like taking part in the human experience.  I don’t mean to place wedding dancing on some high and mighty pedestal, but it is interesting that this has been one of the ways humans have celebrated for thousands of years. 

One of the reasons I love the movie "Hitch" - awesome wedding dancing!

Now, some of you hate dancing.  It doesn’t matter where it takes place, there is no dancing for you.  That is perfectly fine.  Ultimately, you have to discover what it is you enjoy about a wedding, and sink into that.  Do you enjoy beautiful wedding cakes?  Take lots of photos and savor each bite.  Do you appreciate connecting with old and new friends?  Connect to your heart’s content.  As difficult as weddings can be as a single person, also allow yourself to enjoy and celebrate the parts of weddings that are beautiful and joyous.  You actually may find yourself having fun.*

 ……….

So, here are my questions for you, dear reader:

-What is your favorite part of the wedding? 

-What songs draw you to the dance floor at a wedding?

*I don’t say this in an admonishing way to those who have a hard time at weddings.  Actually, I’m mostly encouraging myself, because I need the reminder that weddings can be fun, and thought others might feel similarly.  So, these words are for me and you friend.    

Wholly

About a year and a half ago I was introduced to the poetry of Madeline L’engle.  Now, I don’t mean to be overly dramatic and to demean this phrase, but it changed my life.  I was with two friends and we sat down in a coffee shop, taking turns reading poems from L’engle’s “The Ordering of Love.”  (BUY THIS BOOK!)  As each person read, the other two would nod their heads, sigh and “mmhmm” in agreement.  We all eventually said, “Oh Madeline, you just get it.”  Her writings paint an honest picture of the Christian life, which is a rare find.  Soon after I purchased my own copy and continue to savor her beautiful words.  I’ve bought it as gifts, I’ve used it in spiritual direction, I’ve tried to convince people of its brilliance (at times, even writing blog posts). 

One of the poems that has been a continual comfort for me is called “The Birth of Love”:

To learn to love

is to be stripped of all love

until you are wholly without love

because

until you have gone

naked and afraid

into this cold dark place

where all love is taken from you

you will not know

that you are wholly within love.

Stop.  Read this poem again.  Just let it sink in for a moment before continuing on. 

The process of being born must be traumatic.  One starts wholly contained in the mother’s womb, but then must leave, naked and afraid, not knowing where this tunnel will lead to. In that moment,  it must seem like the world is ending.  Wholly in confusion.  No wonder a child emerges crying.  But from the place of unknowing and fear, the child is met with the reality of the mother, with ready, open arms.  Wholly contained again.    

I love that L’engle uses the imagery of birth in this poem.  It just seems to perfectly capture the journey of life with Christ.  I feel that I am continually going through this cycle of being held, then birthed, then held again.  Each time of birth is scary and seems never ending.  I find it hard to trust what will be at the end.  My memory is short and I struggle to remember how God has been with me. 

As I read this poem today, I am reminded that even though I feel stuck in this “cold dark place,” devoid of love, that in actuality, God holds me.  I am actually surrounded by his love.  My prayer as I read was “Lord, help my see this ‘cold dark place’ for what it really is, a place full of love, instead of a prison.”  I want to truly believe that I am contained and loved by God.  Wholly.  

Community

I still remember the first time I watched the show “Community.”  I was in the kitchen of my old house (the only place that had internet access), eating breakfast and watching all the Thursday night NBC shows on Hulu (30 Rock and The Office).  My roommate and I decided to watch this new show that had premiered that week.  I don’t know why we watched it.  It may have been that they used a Matt and Kim song we like in the promo’s.  Regardless, we tuned in and watched the pilot of “Community.”

Now, I’ve seen enough pilots to realize that they are often rough and clunky.  Many a great show have started off with a so-so pilot.  They are often filmed months before the real show begins filming and casting changes often occur in the gap.  Despite this, “Community” from the beginning was a funny, interesting show.  However, the moment that really made me want to watch the show happened right at the end of the pilot…

I sat there cracking up at this smart, witty speech.  Oh snap Ben Affleck (although I do think he did a wonderful job with “Argo”)!  And I knew I liked this show and wanted to see more. 

In a TV climate that was always trying to emulate the most popular shows, “Community” was content to let its freak flag fly. The premise was unusual – a community college Spanish study group.  Yet, it was able to bring together such diverse characters and over the past few years has really taken time to explore how they tick.  I have loved seeing their weakness and flaws being exposed and how the community has responded.  Their moments of growth have felt surprisingly authentic and not cheesy and formulaic.  And perhaps in some of the wisest moves on behalf of the show’s writers, problems are not wrapped up by the end of the episode. 

Seriousness aside, this show is also just freaking hilarious.  The Halloween episode from season 1 is excellent, but truly, the moment when “Community” seemed to shine brightest was the paint ball episode, closing season 1: 

The writers created a loving homage to some of the most memorable action films in the last decade or so.  This is when you really saw the show start to experiment with paying tribute to various film genres (documentary, Christmas animated, etc.).  And if this wasn’t reason enough to watch the show, the cast also boasts an Oscar winner.  Jim Rash, Renaissance Man extraordinaire, won an academy award for writing the spectacular film “The Descendants”.  When he’s not busy winning Oscars, and posing like Angelina Jolie, he steals the show as the school’s Dean.   

Of course, with such an unusual show, it has always seemed to be two steps away from the NBC chopping block.  What has frustrated me to no end is the outdated ratings system that is still in place, especially as TV viewing is quickly moving from cable boxes to internet TV providers (i.e. Hulu).  Current ratings do not count these internet viewings.  Of all the people I know who watch “Community,” all of them are doing so via the internet.  So, to base a show’s success purely on Nielsen ratings seems ridiculous.  I was sure the show wouldn’t make it past this season, especially when show creator Dan Harmon was fired last year and the season start day was pushed back multiple times.  I prepared myself to say goodbye, but have been pleasantly surprised in the last month for three reasons:

-The show (Despite having a disappointing year, I’m attributing to the loss of Harmon) was picked up for another season

-Chevy Chase left the show (He was undoubtedly the biggest name on the show, but was always my least favorite character)

-Dan Harmon is back!  (Actually, this is what prompted the post for me, as news of Harmon’s return was confirmed this weekend).

This past season was a bit disappointing, but I’m hoping that with the conditions above, “Community” can re-gain its footing in season 5.  

Summer Wedding Series: Why I love Beyonce’s “Single Ladies”, AKA The Dreaded Bouquet Toss

Here’s the third in my Summer Wedding Series.  You started by adjusting yourexpectations.  Then you learned some evasive tactics for those awful questions and comments pertaining to your singleness.  Now, onto the dreaded bouquet toss…

I am eternally grateful for Beyonce’s song “Single Ladies.”  No, it hasn’t inspired me in life or encouraged me in some dark moments.  Rather, it has been an aid to me at weddings.  But let me start from the beginning.  As a single woman in her thirties, I have gone to my fair share of weddings.  The older I’ve gotten, the more I have come to dread the bouquet toss.  Something about that tradition just frustrates and annoys me.  I mean, going to a wedding as a single person tends to be challenging enough.  Another wedding and I’m not the bride.  Then, there are the awkward questions or the misguided words of “encouragement.”  So, by the time the bouquet toss comes along, I’m feeling pretty insecure and blue.  Then, they parade the single people out in front of everyone and expect us to act the fool in pursuit of the bouquet.  It’s become difficult to avoid the toss as a single person.  Everyone’s keeping their eyes out for you, sometimes literally pulling you onto the dance floor.  I say no! 

I’ve developed some strategies over the years to avoid this debacle.  My ear has become finely attuned to the DJ starting to call all the single women to the floor.  On a good day, I can be half way to the restroom* by the time he’s finished his sentence.  However, since Beyonce dropped “Single Ladies”, I was given another ally in my quest to avoid the bouquet toss.  The moment I hear that song, I know that something fowl is afoot and I can be safely in the ladies room by the time the call is made. 

Weddings are strange social gatherings and they tend to stir up all my insecurities.  I love getting to celebrate my friends, to stand with them and give my support to their marriage.  Yet, in the midst of all that goodness, the sadness that is stirred in me is a fear that I will never get married.  The fear that I am called to singleness for life.

In the last few years, I’ve learned and taught on vocation.  Sometimes, we tend to see vocation solely as our life purpose, when actually the true meaning reaches much wider than that.  The word vocation comes from the Latin word “vocare,” which literally means to call.  We often use the term solely for those who are pursuing jobs within the church or other areas of ministry.  Yet, as Christians, there are basic ways of life that each of us is called into.  We are called to love God.  We are called to love others.  These are not callings that are specific to some people, but are for the entire church.  Another aspect of vocation that I explored was the immediate call.  There are jobs, people, places, stages of life that we are called to in this moment.  These calls may not be for life, but they are true for today.  An example would be the calling into parenting a toddler.  Your life call most likely will not be to parent a toddler, but in the present, this is a significant calling on your life.  We can often see all callings as being locked in for life, when in actuality they at times only span a season of life instead.**

One of the hotbed topics when it comes to vocation is that of the celibate life.  Even as I type these words, I can’t help but think of nuns and priests.  In the scriptures, we see Paul engaging in his own calling to celibacy, while he encourages others likewise.  I think one of the greatest fears of singles is this specific call, because it can feel like a life sentence.  However, this particular vocation can actually be seen in two different realities.  One is a life-long call to the single life, while the other sees singleness as relegated to the immediate season of life. 

Yesterday, I was walking across a lake by my house and talking with God about my singleness.  As I stopped and looked across the water, I remembered the creation narrative in Genesis, (See Genesis 1).  After each day, the Lord declared what he made as good.  In my own life, God has placed me in a season of singleness.  And I believe (to some extent) that he calls it good.  This is not the good that I envisioned, but I want to learn to trust in what he calls good.  For me today, singleness is good.  This is my part of my vocation for this day. 

While this recognition of goodness does not make my singleness automatically turn into a joyful gift, I am grateful for the little reminders that God is with me and cares about my life.  Beautiful walks across a lake.  Family and friends who love and care for me.  And Beyonce’s “Single Ladies”, giving me a rhythmic heads up when bouquet danger is on the horizon. 

……….

*The restroom is my designated haven during bouquet tosses.  It’s a legitimate excuse and lets me avoid having to explain why I don’t like the bouquet toss. 

**This section on vocation was inspired by the teachings of Dr. John H. Coe, Institute of Spiritual Formation, at Talbot School of Theology