Dating as Sanctification

I posted this blog a couple of years ago, but still resonate with the feelings I expressed at that point.  

Hope you survive this Monday - I know I woke up desiring a bit more sleep.

Jen

……….

I had the privilege of skyping with a dear friend today (so grateful for technology in those moments) and my dating life came up. Her friend had read a book that recommended single people to make it a goal over one week’s time to have a conversation with, and give their contact information, to five members of the opposite sex. She thought it might be something I should try. My response? Panic. Pure and utter panic. Now, she is not a friend who goes around trying to fix me. When she gives a recommendation, I know she has prayed about it and that it is at the very least, worth my consideration. The panic itself was sort of a confirmation that everything was not ok internally, that these are places the Lord wants to heal, and that I was headed in the right direction. Crap.

Part of me can see the Lord’s call in this. The other part is terrified. This is the way things go with me. When the Lord touches parts of my heart that are extremely vulnerable I respond with panic and stubbornness. But eventually it dies down and I relent. I am waiting for the relenting to begin.

Gary Thomas wrote a book called “Sacred Marriage”. His thesis revolves around the idea that, while marriage can be a joyful thing, its main purpose is for sanctification. As I sat and thought about this conversation with my friend, I had a similar idea about dating. Dating, at least for me, feels like a process of sanctification. It feels a little odd to write this, and yet, I think it is true. Somehow, through this bizarre process of meeting others, the Lord is purifying me, and revealing the places in me that are scared to trust another. To trust another man. To trust God. Or in my case, considering going out and more intentionally meeting others.

Still not relenting yet, but maybe a few steps closer to doing so. Lord have mercy!

Thoughts on a brother, upon his graduation from college, AKA You Taught Me

My brother graduates from college on Saturday.  And while words cannot fully express how proud I am, I will still attempt a few thoughts on my experience with him.  Congratulations Andrew!  I'm so glad I get to be your sister. Love, love, love you!

Straight up Gangsta!

Still colorful

Feeling grand

You were born into chaos

Yet brought joy

An unexpected surprise

More than could be dreamed;

I didn’t know what it meant to be a sister:

You taught me

Your blue eyes and ever changing hair

Shedding your clothes like a wild animal

Flashes of you smiling, laughing and snuffing

But even then not always so;

I couldn’t understand your withdrawals:

You taught me

A tender heart

So often hurt - so often misunderstood

Stomach aches

Too deep to comprehend;

Unfailing generosity and empathy:

You taught me

You grew and grew

Suddenly one day, taller

I was too busy to really see you

Missed precious time;

Still you gave unmerited love:

You taught me

I remember the call

The fear of loss

The trauma - the panic - the sadness

Never ending anxiety;

I never knew grief before:

You taught me

Slow growth and blooming

Miraculous before my eyes

I gave you up

But saw you resurrected;

God’s immeasurable grace:

You taught me

Standing now

A man before me

I wonder where the child went

Yet catch the twinkle still in your eye;

Strength, compassion, and love:

You taught me

Taste is Taste

Hi Friends, Jen here.  I'm in the midst of a busy week, with my brother graduating from college and a full week at work. A friend of mine, John Doukas, has graciously accepted the task of writing a guest post for today.  Besides being an avid music lover, John has faithfully walked with those who surround him whether at church, work, or Old Towne Orange, and is a spectacular photographer.  I'm so grateful to have him posting today.  Thanks again John!

To see some of John's brilliant photography click here or check out his recent trip to Jordan and Lebanon here.

………..

Recently while on a break at Starbucks, I saw the new Vampire Weekend album at the register. Picking it up and glancing at the album artwork showing a vintage New York City skyline, I thought I would chance buying it. I hadn’t heard it yet, but from liking some of their previous songs I like, I considered myself a fan. Well, before popping it in my car stereo, I had to make mp3’s so it could go on my iPhone, so it could be streamed in my car via bluetooth (hey, it’s cooler that way!). Finally, after work, did I get to listen to it. A lot was on my mind at the moment and so their music became background music to my thoughts. In the traffic home, from what I could hear of it, a thought crept to mind, “did I just waste $13 on this album? It doesn’t sound like the songs of theirs I like.” After a short while, I switched it to some Nirvana and found some familiarity to where I could sing along and unwind from the day.

So, when I Jen asked for a blog, I got to thinking about that day. I’m 35 and I consider myself still to be fairly young. Back in the late 80’s to early 90’s, I was just beginning to discover my personal tastes. CD’s were new to me and I had received my own cd player for Christmas. Starting with just what was on the radio, I bought what I liked, ranging from Michael Jackson, Boyz 2 Men, En Vogue, Guns n Roses, Weird Al, and others I don’t know if I can also admit to. My taste was fairly broad there, but I wasn’t exactly aware that I had taste, I just liked it. Admittedly though, I would get disappointed at the songs I didn’t know, thinking of how foreign they felt. I liked the singles from the radio airplay, and that was about it. Some friends would try to turn me onto stuff like Def Leppard or Motley Crue, but to me it just sounded junky. Singing about girls and sex seemed a bit boring to me. The music videos were cheesy too. Occasionally I’d find a GNR song I liked, only because it had cuss words. Songs like that became instant favorites as they had a feeling of being tough, even at my age of 13. But, I would see an occasional Metallica album and think that seemed a lot cooler. Their videos seemed to tap into something I was yet unaware of. Less and less did I listen to Michael Jackson or En Vogue, but I would have a stronger leaning toward rock music.

Before and during my high school years, I grew even more into having music as my identity. I would see kids dressed up as punk rockers (real ones with Mohawks, boots, wife beaters, chains, smelling of B-O) and think they looked a little too serious to be taken seriously. As a gift, I received a Led Zeppelin box set, and I slow to getting into it. There were songs though that just seemed awesome. Then my older brother got a Nirvana album (Nevermind) for Christmas, and I would sneak into his room to listen to it. They looked like normal guys, their album was blue (my favorite color) water. It felt fun, fresh, and just flat out cool. I didn’t know it was a popular album or anything like that. It was often just me alone, enjoying the music I liked.

In my junior year of high school, I got to sit next to this kid who always had a walkman and a bunch of tapes (remember those?). After a short period, I would look through his tapes and recognized none of the bands. We got to talking about music and he would tell me about these bands, as most of them were underground so n so’s, who were way cooler than what was on the radio. He let me listen to them, and I had to admit, I just liked them. Bands like Farside, Drive Like Jehu, Sensefield, Dead Kennedys, Fugazi (ok, I’m probably losing you by now), none of which I had heard before and or since. There were songs I liked. I asked where he finds this stuff, as Sam Goody or Blockbuster Music seemed to only have what was poopular (a typo at first, but I thought it sounded funny). He pointed me to a store called Bionic Records, in Fullerton. It became a quest to find this place. A friend and I went and we found it to be full of bands we never heard of. Instantly I felt a bit too uncool to be there with the employees. So I went for the bands my friend had suggested in class. After a few months, I had a bunch of underground albums/bands in my backpack at school, and I felt cool finally. Also, I was reading a Nirvana biography at the same time, and discovered bands such as the Melvins and Mudhoney. Cool thing was, I genuinely liked them. Also during high school, I discovered live concerts. I became initiated in mosh pits (the kinds with flying elbows and harsh pushing). I loved it. Then something else new happened...

When other friends and I would talk about music, it became sort of a pissing match of who’s tastes were better. I sort of automatically dismissed radio/popular stuff as being bland and sucky. The real gems were in the underground. Music had become so much of my identity that I would take it as a personal insult if you didn’t like what I like. I would size people up in their musical tastes. Then, the bands I liked, I idolized them. Anything they said was gospel and standard of cool. They don’t like something, I don’t like something. They respect something, I respect something. As the 90’s passed, I grew further into this. Then my life was interrupted.

In the year of 2000, after a long but seemingly fast process, I became a believer in Jesus. That is a story for another time, but music followed in that. One day while browsing Napster, I wondered if there was such a thing as Christian music. So I found some stuff by Hank Williams, whoever he was. I didn’t notice at first that it sounded like country (country was a dirty word to me), but he sang about Jesus. It was just cool to me that someone would sing about Him. A friend, while driving with me, heard one of the songs (I Saw the Light) and thought I was coo-koo. Normally you would find me listening to stuff like Misfits or Slayer, aside from my main favorites, but to hear twangy country in my car, about Jesus no less...what?! But, I didn’t care, I liked it.

As the 2000’s progressed, I became more absorbed with Christian music. After a while though, I started to realize I didn’t like some of it. It again had a sort of fake feeling, hearkening to just trying to sound popular or good enough for radio. But I would discover bands who were Christians, such as POD, and just enjoyed them. They sounded real, in my tastes. Plus, I started to discover, it’s ok to like what I like, AND, it’s ok for others to like what they like. From letting my opinions take a backseat, I’ve gotten to discover great music from other friends. Music ranging from Adele, Mumford and Sons, Nirvana, Delirious?, the Melvins, Elvis, Beethoven, Vampire Weekend...to name some...I heard from other people. But, they’re me. Over the years I learned the value of just being honest with myself, and just enjoying others being themselves.

Thanks for your time!

P.S. I finally listened to the new Vampire Weekend and it’s growing on me.

Summer Wedding Series: Own the Dance Floor

It’s the final segment in the Summer Wedding Series!  By now you should be armed and ready to step into the battle that is attending a wedding as a single person:

Expectations adjusted?  Check

Avoiding awkward comments on singleness?  Check

Gracefully ditching the bouquet toss, thanks to SashaFierce?  Check and check

Owning the dance floor?  See below…

My absolute favorite part of a wedding is the dancing.  Hi my name is Jen and I am a wedding dancer.  I don’t like going out to clubs, disco techs, or wherever the kids are going these days.  But I do love to dance and a wedding is a perfect venue to get down with your bad self (good self, conflicted self?). 

Wedding Dancing in Action

At my old apartment we had a Wii and my absolute favorite game was Wii dance.  That was my best preparation for wedding season, because I was exposed to the latest songs and learned little dance routines to go along with them.  My absolute favorite moment last summer at a wedding was when Katy Perry’s “Firework” came on and my roommate and I taught the dance floor the moves to that song.  It was a spectacular moment!  We were all fireworks that night. 

As I go into wedding season, I usually have a couple of songs that are my songs.  These are the songs that no matter where I am and what I am doing I will run to the dance floor.  As mentioned above, “Firework” is one of these songs.  Pretty much anything by Lady Gaga works as well.  There are of course the various songs from the 60’s on that are favorites and unify a wedding crowd.  Ultimately though, music choice will reside with the DJ and this person can make or break a wedding.  A DJ is like the bass player in a band.  You may not notice his/her presence musically, but take out the bass and the music just seems a bit flat and dull.  A DJ doesn’t just pick out the music, but knows what songs work at particular times and is adept at choosing an amazing last song.  For those planning weddings, if you’re going to have dancing, don’t cheap out on a DJ (unless your second cousin with an iPod really is that good - doubtful). 

What makes wedding dancing so fun is that there really is something worth celebrating when two people come together.  If ever there is a reason to eat, drink, and be merry, a wedding takes the cake (pun intended).  No one takes themselves too seriously when dancing at a wedding and it’s a great chance to see even the most uptight person relax.  For me, dancing at a wedding feels like taking part in the human experience.  I don’t mean to place wedding dancing on some high and mighty pedestal, but it is interesting that this has been one of the ways humans have celebrated for thousands of years. 

One of the reasons I love the movie "Hitch" - awesome wedding dancing!

Now, some of you hate dancing.  It doesn’t matter where it takes place, there is no dancing for you.  That is perfectly fine.  Ultimately, you have to discover what it is you enjoy about a wedding, and sink into that.  Do you enjoy beautiful wedding cakes?  Take lots of photos and savor each bite.  Do you appreciate connecting with old and new friends?  Connect to your heart’s content.  As difficult as weddings can be as a single person, also allow yourself to enjoy and celebrate the parts of weddings that are beautiful and joyous.  You actually may find yourself having fun.*

 ……….

So, here are my questions for you, dear reader:

-What is your favorite part of the wedding? 

-What songs draw you to the dance floor at a wedding?

*I don’t say this in an admonishing way to those who have a hard time at weddings.  Actually, I’m mostly encouraging myself, because I need the reminder that weddings can be fun, and thought others might feel similarly.  So, these words are for me and you friend.    

Wholly

About a year and a half ago I was introduced to the poetry of Madeline L’engle.  Now, I don’t mean to be overly dramatic and to demean this phrase, but it changed my life.  I was with two friends and we sat down in a coffee shop, taking turns reading poems from L’engle’s “The Ordering of Love.”  (BUY THIS BOOK!)  As each person read, the other two would nod their heads, sigh and “mmhmm” in agreement.  We all eventually said, “Oh Madeline, you just get it.”  Her writings paint an honest picture of the Christian life, which is a rare find.  Soon after I purchased my own copy and continue to savor her beautiful words.  I’ve bought it as gifts, I’ve used it in spiritual direction, I’ve tried to convince people of its brilliance (at times, even writing blog posts). 

One of the poems that has been a continual comfort for me is called “The Birth of Love”:

To learn to love

is to be stripped of all love

until you are wholly without love

because

until you have gone

naked and afraid

into this cold dark place

where all love is taken from you

you will not know

that you are wholly within love.

Stop.  Read this poem again.  Just let it sink in for a moment before continuing on. 

The process of being born must be traumatic.  One starts wholly contained in the mother’s womb, but then must leave, naked and afraid, not knowing where this tunnel will lead to. In that moment,  it must seem like the world is ending.  Wholly in confusion.  No wonder a child emerges crying.  But from the place of unknowing and fear, the child is met with the reality of the mother, with ready, open arms.  Wholly contained again.    

I love that L’engle uses the imagery of birth in this poem.  It just seems to perfectly capture the journey of life with Christ.  I feel that I am continually going through this cycle of being held, then birthed, then held again.  Each time of birth is scary and seems never ending.  I find it hard to trust what will be at the end.  My memory is short and I struggle to remember how God has been with me. 

As I read this poem today, I am reminded that even though I feel stuck in this “cold dark place,” devoid of love, that in actuality, God holds me.  I am actually surrounded by his love.  My prayer as I read was “Lord, help my see this ‘cold dark place’ for what it really is, a place full of love, instead of a prison.”  I want to truly believe that I am contained and loved by God.  Wholly.  

Community

I still remember the first time I watched the show “Community.”  I was in the kitchen of my old house (the only place that had internet access), eating breakfast and watching all the Thursday night NBC shows on Hulu (30 Rock and The Office).  My roommate and I decided to watch this new show that had premiered that week.  I don’t know why we watched it.  It may have been that they used a Matt and Kim song we like in the promo’s.  Regardless, we tuned in and watched the pilot of “Community.”

Now, I’ve seen enough pilots to realize that they are often rough and clunky.  Many a great show have started off with a so-so pilot.  They are often filmed months before the real show begins filming and casting changes often occur in the gap.  Despite this, “Community” from the beginning was a funny, interesting show.  However, the moment that really made me want to watch the show happened right at the end of the pilot…

I sat there cracking up at this smart, witty speech.  Oh snap Ben Affleck (although I do think he did a wonderful job with “Argo”)!  And I knew I liked this show and wanted to see more. 

In a TV climate that was always trying to emulate the most popular shows, “Community” was content to let its freak flag fly. The premise was unusual – a community college Spanish study group.  Yet, it was able to bring together such diverse characters and over the past few years has really taken time to explore how they tick.  I have loved seeing their weakness and flaws being exposed and how the community has responded.  Their moments of growth have felt surprisingly authentic and not cheesy and formulaic.  And perhaps in some of the wisest moves on behalf of the show’s writers, problems are not wrapped up by the end of the episode. 

Seriousness aside, this show is also just freaking hilarious.  The Halloween episode from season 1 is excellent, but truly, the moment when “Community” seemed to shine brightest was the paint ball episode, closing season 1: 

The writers created a loving homage to some of the most memorable action films in the last decade or so.  This is when you really saw the show start to experiment with paying tribute to various film genres (documentary, Christmas animated, etc.).  And if this wasn’t reason enough to watch the show, the cast also boasts an Oscar winner.  Jim Rash, Renaissance Man extraordinaire, won an academy award for writing the spectacular film “The Descendants”.  When he’s not busy winning Oscars, and posing like Angelina Jolie, he steals the show as the school’s Dean.   

Of course, with such an unusual show, it has always seemed to be two steps away from the NBC chopping block.  What has frustrated me to no end is the outdated ratings system that is still in place, especially as TV viewing is quickly moving from cable boxes to internet TV providers (i.e. Hulu).  Current ratings do not count these internet viewings.  Of all the people I know who watch “Community,” all of them are doing so via the internet.  So, to base a show’s success purely on Nielsen ratings seems ridiculous.  I was sure the show wouldn’t make it past this season, especially when show creator Dan Harmon was fired last year and the season start day was pushed back multiple times.  I prepared myself to say goodbye, but have been pleasantly surprised in the last month for three reasons:

-The show (Despite having a disappointing year, I’m attributing to the loss of Harmon) was picked up for another season

-Chevy Chase left the show (He was undoubtedly the biggest name on the show, but was always my least favorite character)

-Dan Harmon is back!  (Actually, this is what prompted the post for me, as news of Harmon’s return was confirmed this weekend).

This past season was a bit disappointing, but I’m hoping that with the conditions above, “Community” can re-gain its footing in season 5.  

Summer Wedding Series: Why I love Beyonce’s “Single Ladies”, AKA The Dreaded Bouquet Toss

Here’s the third in my Summer Wedding Series.  You started by adjusting yourexpectations.  Then you learned some evasive tactics for those awful questions and comments pertaining to your singleness.  Now, onto the dreaded bouquet toss…

I am eternally grateful for Beyonce’s song “Single Ladies.”  No, it hasn’t inspired me in life or encouraged me in some dark moments.  Rather, it has been an aid to me at weddings.  But let me start from the beginning.  As a single woman in her thirties, I have gone to my fair share of weddings.  The older I’ve gotten, the more I have come to dread the bouquet toss.  Something about that tradition just frustrates and annoys me.  I mean, going to a wedding as a single person tends to be challenging enough.  Another wedding and I’m not the bride.  Then, there are the awkward questions or the misguided words of “encouragement.”  So, by the time the bouquet toss comes along, I’m feeling pretty insecure and blue.  Then, they parade the single people out in front of everyone and expect us to act the fool in pursuit of the bouquet.  It’s become difficult to avoid the toss as a single person.  Everyone’s keeping their eyes out for you, sometimes literally pulling you onto the dance floor.  I say no! 

I’ve developed some strategies over the years to avoid this debacle.  My ear has become finely attuned to the DJ starting to call all the single women to the floor.  On a good day, I can be half way to the restroom* by the time he’s finished his sentence.  However, since Beyonce dropped “Single Ladies”, I was given another ally in my quest to avoid the bouquet toss.  The moment I hear that song, I know that something fowl is afoot and I can be safely in the ladies room by the time the call is made. 

Weddings are strange social gatherings and they tend to stir up all my insecurities.  I love getting to celebrate my friends, to stand with them and give my support to their marriage.  Yet, in the midst of all that goodness, the sadness that is stirred in me is a fear that I will never get married.  The fear that I am called to singleness for life.

In the last few years, I’ve learned and taught on vocation.  Sometimes, we tend to see vocation solely as our life purpose, when actually the true meaning reaches much wider than that.  The word vocation comes from the Latin word “vocare,” which literally means to call.  We often use the term solely for those who are pursuing jobs within the church or other areas of ministry.  Yet, as Christians, there are basic ways of life that each of us is called into.  We are called to love God.  We are called to love others.  These are not callings that are specific to some people, but are for the entire church.  Another aspect of vocation that I explored was the immediate call.  There are jobs, people, places, stages of life that we are called to in this moment.  These calls may not be for life, but they are true for today.  An example would be the calling into parenting a toddler.  Your life call most likely will not be to parent a toddler, but in the present, this is a significant calling on your life.  We can often see all callings as being locked in for life, when in actuality they at times only span a season of life instead.**

One of the hotbed topics when it comes to vocation is that of the celibate life.  Even as I type these words, I can’t help but think of nuns and priests.  In the scriptures, we see Paul engaging in his own calling to celibacy, while he encourages others likewise.  I think one of the greatest fears of singles is this specific call, because it can feel like a life sentence.  However, this particular vocation can actually be seen in two different realities.  One is a life-long call to the single life, while the other sees singleness as relegated to the immediate season of life. 

Yesterday, I was walking across a lake by my house and talking with God about my singleness.  As I stopped and looked across the water, I remembered the creation narrative in Genesis, (See Genesis 1).  After each day, the Lord declared what he made as good.  In my own life, God has placed me in a season of singleness.  And I believe (to some extent) that he calls it good.  This is not the good that I envisioned, but I want to learn to trust in what he calls good.  For me today, singleness is good.  This is my part of my vocation for this day. 

While this recognition of goodness does not make my singleness automatically turn into a joyful gift, I am grateful for the little reminders that God is with me and cares about my life.  Beautiful walks across a lake.  Family and friends who love and care for me.  And Beyonce’s “Single Ladies”, giving me a rhythmic heads up when bouquet danger is on the horizon. 

……….

*The restroom is my designated haven during bouquet tosses.  It’s a legitimate excuse and lets me avoid having to explain why I don’t like the bouquet toss. 

**This section on vocation was inspired by the teachings of Dr. John H. Coe, Institute of Spiritual Formation, at Talbot School of Theology