Summer Wedding Series: Own the Dance Floor

It’s the final segment in the Summer Wedding Series!  By now you should be armed and ready to step into the battle that is attending a wedding as a single person:

Expectations adjusted?  Check

Avoiding awkward comments on singleness?  Check

Gracefully ditching the bouquet toss, thanks to SashaFierce?  Check and check

Owning the dance floor?  See below…

My absolute favorite part of a wedding is the dancing.  Hi my name is Jen and I am a wedding dancer.  I don’t like going out to clubs, disco techs, or wherever the kids are going these days.  But I do love to dance and a wedding is a perfect venue to get down with your bad self (good self, conflicted self?). 

Wedding Dancing in Action

At my old apartment we had a Wii and my absolute favorite game was Wii dance.  That was my best preparation for wedding season, because I was exposed to the latest songs and learned little dance routines to go along with them.  My absolute favorite moment last summer at a wedding was when Katy Perry’s “Firework” came on and my roommate and I taught the dance floor the moves to that song.  It was a spectacular moment!  We were all fireworks that night. 

As I go into wedding season, I usually have a couple of songs that are my songs.  These are the songs that no matter where I am and what I am doing I will run to the dance floor.  As mentioned above, “Firework” is one of these songs.  Pretty much anything by Lady Gaga works as well.  There are of course the various songs from the 60’s on that are favorites and unify a wedding crowd.  Ultimately though, music choice will reside with the DJ and this person can make or break a wedding.  A DJ is like the bass player in a band.  You may not notice his/her presence musically, but take out the bass and the music just seems a bit flat and dull.  A DJ doesn’t just pick out the music, but knows what songs work at particular times and is adept at choosing an amazing last song.  For those planning weddings, if you’re going to have dancing, don’t cheap out on a DJ (unless your second cousin with an iPod really is that good - doubtful). 

What makes wedding dancing so fun is that there really is something worth celebrating when two people come together.  If ever there is a reason to eat, drink, and be merry, a wedding takes the cake (pun intended).  No one takes themselves too seriously when dancing at a wedding and it’s a great chance to see even the most uptight person relax.  For me, dancing at a wedding feels like taking part in the human experience.  I don’t mean to place wedding dancing on some high and mighty pedestal, but it is interesting that this has been one of the ways humans have celebrated for thousands of years. 

One of the reasons I love the movie "Hitch" - awesome wedding dancing!

Now, some of you hate dancing.  It doesn’t matter where it takes place, there is no dancing for you.  That is perfectly fine.  Ultimately, you have to discover what it is you enjoy about a wedding, and sink into that.  Do you enjoy beautiful wedding cakes?  Take lots of photos and savor each bite.  Do you appreciate connecting with old and new friends?  Connect to your heart’s content.  As difficult as weddings can be as a single person, also allow yourself to enjoy and celebrate the parts of weddings that are beautiful and joyous.  You actually may find yourself having fun.*

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So, here are my questions for you, dear reader:

-What is your favorite part of the wedding? 

-What songs draw you to the dance floor at a wedding?

*I don’t say this in an admonishing way to those who have a hard time at weddings.  Actually, I’m mostly encouraging myself, because I need the reminder that weddings can be fun, and thought others might feel similarly.  So, these words are for me and you friend.    

Summer Wedding Series: Why I love Beyonce’s “Single Ladies”, AKA The Dreaded Bouquet Toss

Here’s the third in my Summer Wedding Series.  You started by adjusting yourexpectations.  Then you learned some evasive tactics for those awful questions and comments pertaining to your singleness.  Now, onto the dreaded bouquet toss…

I am eternally grateful for Beyonce’s song “Single Ladies.”  No, it hasn’t inspired me in life or encouraged me in some dark moments.  Rather, it has been an aid to me at weddings.  But let me start from the beginning.  As a single woman in her thirties, I have gone to my fair share of weddings.  The older I’ve gotten, the more I have come to dread the bouquet toss.  Something about that tradition just frustrates and annoys me.  I mean, going to a wedding as a single person tends to be challenging enough.  Another wedding and I’m not the bride.  Then, there are the awkward questions or the misguided words of “encouragement.”  So, by the time the bouquet toss comes along, I’m feeling pretty insecure and blue.  Then, they parade the single people out in front of everyone and expect us to act the fool in pursuit of the bouquet.  It’s become difficult to avoid the toss as a single person.  Everyone’s keeping their eyes out for you, sometimes literally pulling you onto the dance floor.  I say no! 

I’ve developed some strategies over the years to avoid this debacle.  My ear has become finely attuned to the DJ starting to call all the single women to the floor.  On a good day, I can be half way to the restroom* by the time he’s finished his sentence.  However, since Beyonce dropped “Single Ladies”, I was given another ally in my quest to avoid the bouquet toss.  The moment I hear that song, I know that something fowl is afoot and I can be safely in the ladies room by the time the call is made. 

Weddings are strange social gatherings and they tend to stir up all my insecurities.  I love getting to celebrate my friends, to stand with them and give my support to their marriage.  Yet, in the midst of all that goodness, the sadness that is stirred in me is a fear that I will never get married.  The fear that I am called to singleness for life.

In the last few years, I’ve learned and taught on vocation.  Sometimes, we tend to see vocation solely as our life purpose, when actually the true meaning reaches much wider than that.  The word vocation comes from the Latin word “vocare,” which literally means to call.  We often use the term solely for those who are pursuing jobs within the church or other areas of ministry.  Yet, as Christians, there are basic ways of life that each of us is called into.  We are called to love God.  We are called to love others.  These are not callings that are specific to some people, but are for the entire church.  Another aspect of vocation that I explored was the immediate call.  There are jobs, people, places, stages of life that we are called to in this moment.  These calls may not be for life, but they are true for today.  An example would be the calling into parenting a toddler.  Your life call most likely will not be to parent a toddler, but in the present, this is a significant calling on your life.  We can often see all callings as being locked in for life, when in actuality they at times only span a season of life instead.**

One of the hotbed topics when it comes to vocation is that of the celibate life.  Even as I type these words, I can’t help but think of nuns and priests.  In the scriptures, we see Paul engaging in his own calling to celibacy, while he encourages others likewise.  I think one of the greatest fears of singles is this specific call, because it can feel like a life sentence.  However, this particular vocation can actually be seen in two different realities.  One is a life-long call to the single life, while the other sees singleness as relegated to the immediate season of life. 

Yesterday, I was walking across a lake by my house and talking with God about my singleness.  As I stopped and looked across the water, I remembered the creation narrative in Genesis, (See Genesis 1).  After each day, the Lord declared what he made as good.  In my own life, God has placed me in a season of singleness.  And I believe (to some extent) that he calls it good.  This is not the good that I envisioned, but I want to learn to trust in what he calls good.  For me today, singleness is good.  This is my part of my vocation for this day. 

While this recognition of goodness does not make my singleness automatically turn into a joyful gift, I am grateful for the little reminders that God is with me and cares about my life.  Beautiful walks across a lake.  Family and friends who love and care for me.  And Beyonce’s “Single Ladies”, giving me a rhythmic heads up when bouquet danger is on the horizon. 

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*The restroom is my designated haven during bouquet tosses.  It’s a legitimate excuse and lets me avoid having to explain why I don’t like the bouquet toss. 

**This section on vocation was inspired by the teachings of Dr. John H. Coe, Institute of Spiritual Formation, at Talbot School of Theology

Summer Wedding Series: Your Day Will Come Soon and Other Unhelpful Comments

So, you’ve adjusted your expectations and now you are contemplating the reality of actually attending a wedding.  Of course, the first fear that is popping into your head is: Great, now I get to hear comment on my singleness by all sorts of people.

A couple of years ago I was invited to the wedding of a kid I used to babysit.  I’ve found that these are the worst weddings* to attend, especially if there is a considerable gap in your ages.  It’s not as depressing when you were 12 and the child was 9, but it’s a different story when you were 12 and the kid was 4.  I RSVP’ed my yes, but as the wedding approached I found myself wanting to ditch.  I mentioned this to my parents, who were also attending, and they encouraged me to go.  I decided to attend, but before leaving I was griping to my parents again and said how I was dreading the questions and comments of others.  They both looked at me inquisitively.  I explained that people would make awkward comments on my singleness, asking “When are you going to get married?”  They both laughed and said, “No one will ask you that.”  I shrugged my shoulders and off we went.

Fast forward 30-40 minutes.  We’re waiting to sign the guest book and bump into a family friend.  We all make small talk, but within 2-3 minutes the dreaded question makes its appearance:

So, when are you going to settle down?

I almost laughed out loud.  I quickly looked at my parents, raising my eyebrows, essentially communicating “I told you so,” before laughing a bit and giving a rehearsed answer. 

I laugh, but really, part of my wants to cry in those moments.

In moments when I feel really insecure about my singleness, weddings seem to rub it in my face, taunting me with its beautiful flowers, buffet lines, and lately, cute flag banners.  Darn you cute DIY weddings!  Note: one should never visit the site Green Wedding Shoes when feeling this way.  Or go on Pinterest. 

Actually, going to a wedding as a single person (and especially as a single person who’s getting older) is sort of like a battle field.  There are land mines all over and one best step carefully.  There are a variety of comments being launched at the single person and it’s easy to be taken down by one of these missiles.  The other day I posted on Facebook asking for people to send in the best comments they’ve received at a wedding.  Thanks to all who contributed!  Here are some of my personal favorites:

Your time will come soon

Why is a pretty girl like you not married?

So...met anyone special lately?'

So when are we going to see you up there?

Now don't put it off too long!

Get over there (*push), you have to catch that bouquet!

Have you tried online dating?

Let me introduce you to that nice girl over there....

You're next, right?

Oh you're not married? I thought you tied the knot a long time ago......cricket

Don't worry, God has someone for you... He's just not ready yet.

You are such a sweet and supportive sister... I'm sure it isn't easy for you.

So, are you seeing anyone?

I know as I read this list, many of these comments felt familiar and I’m sure you’ve heard some in your journey of singleness. 

Really though, when entering the mine field of weddings I think the best defense is to expect the questions, have some good short answers prepared, and to respond with a diverting question.  Of course, if you wanted to freak someone out, you could just burst into tears and start pouring out your heart.  In my book, that’s akin to heaping hot coals on another’s head. 

Here are some practice answers based on some of the comments above:

So when are we going to see you up there?

What I want to answer: When the men I meet start manning up and getting over their Peter Pan syndrome.

What I will answer: (Shrug) I don’t know.  But wasn’t it just a lovely ceremony today?

Don't worry, God has someone for you... He's just not ready yet.

What I want to answer: Really, do you know that for sure?  Did God give you a personal message that I am going to get married?  Or are you just uncomfortable with my singleness? 

What I will answer: (Smile) Thanks.  So, how are you doing?

Have you tried online dating?

What I want to answer: What’s that?  Online dating? Why no one has ever mentioned that possibility to me.  What, your second cousin’s best friend’s pet sitter found her husband on there?  Sign me up.

What I will answer: I actually have.  Have you tried the cheese board yet?  The Toscano is delightful (Cheese – the ultimate tension diffuser).

Also, be prepared with an exit strategy.  No matter how much you try to deflect the comments, some people are determined to drill into the single person’s psyche.  The best response is to remove yourself from the situation.  Having to refill your drink or use the restroom is always a good plausible exit.

Finally, remember that while these comments can feel prying or insensitive, they do usually come with good intentions.  And for those who are married and perhaps inclined towards these statements, think twice before speaking.  Every time you do, a single person quietly thanks you.    

So, what are some of the best comments and questions you’ve heard at a wedding?  Give your response through the comment section below.

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*This not the worst wedding to attend.  I saw an episode of The Mindy Project where she attended her ex’s wedding to the woman she was dumped for.  But who goes to or is even invited to these weddings.  That would be the worst.  Followed closely by attending a wedding where a recent ex is present.  So, maybe going to the wedding of a kid you babysat for is the third worst.  I think.  

Summer Wedding Series: Adjusting your Expectations

Today I’m starting a series on how to prepare for wedding season.  Not as a bride, groom or family member, but as a single person.  Weddings can be tricky and confusing for those who are single and these are a few tips I discovered along the way.  For the next few Mondays I will post on different topics related to weddings (avoiding questions about singlehood, the bouquet toss, etc). 

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Lately I’ve noticed that I enter into weddings either incredibly optimistic about meeting someone or despairing about being single at another wedding.  There are the weddings that I just look forward to – the ones where I know lots of people and know that there will be a great DJ (my one weakness at weddings: dancing).  When I’m despairing, I end up pretty defensive.  If you want to see defensiveness as an art form, witness me in all my glory at a wedding I don’t want to be at.  I’m silent, force fake smiles and leave the moment I can.  Now I tend to avoid those weddings and just send a gift. 

I’ve found that being overly optimistic hasn’t worked out great either.  I was at a wedding a couple of years ago, with high hopes of meeting some new guys.  As part of the wedding there was a dance lesson.  So, I stood on the women’s side, keeping my eyes open for who would be my partner.  I kept looking around until I finally looked down and saw the six year old across from me.  I laughed externally, but internally I said, “Yes, this is how my life always goes.”  And in that moment, I felt such despair.  I ran through the lines that accompany many/most of us when we lose hope over meeting someone:

This is my lot in life: the token single woman.

Why does this always happen to me?

I’ll never get married.

The despair remained with me into the next day.  In those moments I feel stuck.  Stuck in an intersection of emotions that all cross at my heart.  Anger.  Fear.  Loneliness.  Deep sadness.  Eventually I open up and talk to God about my heart. 

This all or nothing thinking has made appearances in most areas of my life.  In can be an emotionally turbulent place to be, overly high expectations crashing down to despair.  Neither place is good for me.  Neither place is realistic.  When I was in seminary, the profs in my department would talk about being open.  This terminology was used all the time:

Open to God.

Open to what’s going on in your heart.

Remain open to what might happen.

The term “open” has been such a grounding concept for me. Being open means allowing things to play out instead of trying to control the results.  It means trusting God and that he knows what he is doing.  It means finding my hope in him, and not in the hope of getting married.

I still find myself horribly in process when it comes to remaining open.  Some days, it feels easy to trust God.  Other days, it is the last thing I want to do.  Especially when it comes to weddings, an event that lately has seemed to bring up all my insecurities.   I relate to Katherine Hepburn’s brutally honest line in “The Philadelphia Story”:

Oh, I'm such an unholy mess of a girl.

So, from this unholy mess of a girl.  This is my truth.  For now.

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As you approach this wedding season, take a moment to consider with God:

What does it look like for me to be open at this wedding?  How do I keep you as my hope, and not some unrealistic expectation?