The Novelty Has Worn Off

I'm tired of writing about being single. When I first started blogging, I was full of ideas of posts on the single life - both silly and serious. Now, the novelty has worn off. The thought of writing about singleness or dating feels more like a chore.

I feel stuck when it comes to dating. I haven't seen any movement and I find myself drifting into apathy. If I'm honest, I feel as though I'm in the same exact place I was this time last year. And this time the year before. And the year before that. You get the idea.

I hide in apathy to avoid the rejection I feel. The apathy feeling much easier to bear with than the disappointment. When I'm playing out the same narratives again and again (or at least, what appears to be the same narrative), it can feel as though apathy is the only option. My mind tells me this is not true, but my heart has another view and has no problem making that known.

I get why the holidays are so difficult for singles. There are so many expectations and visions. Not of sugar plums, but of Christmas light viewings hand in hand, cozy nights with hot chocolate next to the fire, and Christmas movies snuggled next to the one you love. Forget falling in love in Spring, Christmas was made for lovers.

As I sit with both of these truths, it feels as though they make up some sort of odd equation which I am trying to solve. 

Tendency towards apathy (when faced with disappointment) x Christmas hopes = ?

I was never great at math and when I look at this equation I'd prefer to just sit with one or the other, not both pieces of the problem.

Here's the truth. I fear that I will always be single. It can terrify me at times. I fear sitting with that fear, so I avoid by leaning into apathy. I also am secretly sentimental. As evidenced above, I have visions of romantic (and somewhat unrealistic) moments. I feel like Beatrice and Bennedick in Shakespeare's "Much Ado About Nothing," loudly proclaiming their skepticism and disinterest when it comes to marriage and then diving into love the moment the option of romance is placed in their path.  I avoid what I feel, because there are times when it’s just so hard for me to believe that God knows what he is doing. 

As I look again at the equation, I see what the missing piece is: trust.  Trust is the place where I acknowledge and present my hopes and then place them into God’s loving hands.  Trusting that his goodness is not solely expressed or defined by my getting married.  Trusting that he hears my cries and is with me in the sorrow and disappointments.  Trusting that he is indeed trustworthy.

Victory

I went to my first wedding in a long while last weekend.  It was a lovely ceremony, but as usual, I was on edge when it came time for the reception.  No sooner was I seated then I started to search for my exits.  The tables were tight and I didn’t have a direct route to the restrooms for bouquet toss time.  I was seated with my parents and my mom joked that I could hide under the table.  And let’s be honest, I was seriously considering that as an option if needed. 

I kept waiting and waiting for a sign.  The ubiquitous “Ok, now we need all the single women out there…” or the slightly more welcome “Single Ladies” by Beyonce.  Yet, I kept waiting and it never came.  Was I going crazy?  There was the first dance, toasts, dance with parents, cutting of the cake, the money dance, but still, no bouquet toss.  What’s going on here?

My folks and I headed for the door after the cake (my mom’s a baker, so we always must stay for the cake).  On the way out the groom tapped me on the shoulder and said, “we didn’t do the bouquet toss for your sake.”

I was blown away.  I mean, is that awesome or what?  It felt like a big win for the single community.  I’m never short on an opinion, but to hear someone respond to that opinion was unbelievable.  And not just respond, but agree (to some extent).  It’s moments like this that keep me fighting the good fight for singles everywhere. 

If you’re curious as to my thoughts on the bouquet toss, then I invite you to read a previous post from summer on this very topic.

Huzzah for victory!

I Hate Online Dating

I hate online dating. As I consider this sentiment, I wonder if anyone actually likes to be on an online dating site. I'm trying to imagine a person who is over the moon to be on eHarmony. She's jumping up and down, "Woooo, online dating is the best!" This is just funny, right? I'm sitting in a coffee shop as I write this, attempting to smother a laugh. Mostly, I see people who are either jaded (like myself) or those who are trying to remain open about dating sites. For the latter, there's usually a tinge of regret. "I'm trying to be open and try something new." This is usually accompanied by a shrug of their shoulders.  

I think the only people who are truly excited about online dating are those who are either in a relationship or married. Born out of care for the single people in their lives, this seems like a tangible solution. "Have you thought of trying online dating? My friend Josephine met the love of her life after 2 days on Christian Mingle." I keep hearing about the multitudes who fall in love online, yet I actually know very few who have. Are these online couples just an urban myth?  

I've hated online dating since I first knew it existed. There's something so awkward and embarrassing about the whole idea. There's no shrouding or ambiguity. We haven't met anyone in our network of people. We're here for one reason and one reason alone: to meet someone. It's humbling to be sure.  

I really hate the ads for online sites too and eHarmony commercials are the worst. Everyone's so perfect, and blond, and smiley. There are numerous times when I have wanted to give one of those commercials the middle finger. And maybe I have. I can see right now happy couples twirling around, with big goofy grins on their faces. This amount of twirling is only acceptable in a Malick film (i.e. To the Wonder). Ugh.

I can't stand how unrelational dating sites are. How much can one really connect online? It's so easy to cut off communication or to be completely dishonest with another. I just wrote on Friday about how technology and social media has the power to increase our loneliness. I think online sites can fall within this realm as well.  

Despite all of my frustrations with online dating, I am giving it a try again. It still makes me want to roll my eyes (and I actually did just roll my eyes as I typed this). I feel great amounts of reluctance. I still detest those awful ads. I read a great article last month on Donald Miller's blog. The author (not Miller) spoke about her experience on eHarmony. It was not a pro-online dating type of article necessarily, but it was an honest piece. I appreciated her honesty and frustration with the process. Somehow, it encouraged me to try online dating again. I don't enter in with grand expectations. I guess I enter back into the online dating world, if even just to be intentional about trying to date again. God can work in some unusual ways. 

When There Isn't An Easy Answer

Some days I am confronted by the fact that there is not an easy answer.  Not surprisingly, this is not welcome news to me.  Or to anyone.  The reality is though, I live in a world that is overflowing with situations that cannot be explained with an easy answer.  My post the other day dealt with that exact reality.  When I realize this, the universe becomes…

Expansive.

Complex.

Unfathomable. 

And I feel miniscule. 

From what my parents tell me, I was an inquisitive child.  I was always asking “why”.  At some point, I stopped asking questions.  I ignored the unknown or tried to contain it into ill-fitting boxes.  I began to accept the easy answers.  I didn’t even question them.  My world felt safe and contained.  But life happened and it became increasingly challenging to ignore the utter chaos.  My easy answers were demolished.  I could only ignore that reality for so long before I had to give up on having all my questions answered. 

Strangely, giving up on the easy answers has been one of the best moves in my life.  I think when I looked for the easy answers, I ended up trusting the answer more than God.  I wanted to feel in control, rather than trusting that God is lovingly and capably holding the world.  At the same time, there is much that I see, which deeply saddens, and even horrifies me.  Now, I must ask why. 

One of the times when my easy answers were demolished was on 9-11.  I had lived such a peaceful, uneventful life in the U.S., and had never experienced an attack on our soil.  That night, I couldn’t sleep.  I remember lying there awake, deafened by the quiet of the night sky, no longer full of airplanes and helicopters.  I felt afraid and exposed, as if my safe world was crumbling around me.  I could not answer why.  Not in a way that would sufficiently answer the question.  I find myself repeatedly sitting with the question of why.  

Why is there war?  

Why is there injustice?  

Why has my life turned out this way? 

Last night, I was again reminded that I do not have an easy answer, specifically in regards to my singleness.  Yet, I so badly want to be able to explain or comprehend it.  I want to know why.  I want to know why right now.  I believe this lie that understanding my situation will lead to peace.  But knowledge alone will never provide that for me.  It is hard for me to trust God in these moments.  I believe he welcomes my questions and I had questions to ask last night.  I also know that his answers do not come in my timing.  So, I entered into the tension of unanswered questions.  As the tears came to my eyes, I remembered a song by Sufjan Stevens, “Oh God, Where Are You Now?”  I listened to it, and found that this song was my prayer for the moment.  I slumped on the ground, crying, and occasionally joining in singing:

Oh God, hold me now

Oh Lord, hold me now

There's no other man who could raise the dead

So do what you can to anoint my head

Oh God, where are you now?

Oh Lord, say somehow

The devil is hard on my face again

The world is a hundred to one again

Would the righteous still remain?

Would my body stay the same?

Oh God, hold me now

Oh God, touch me now

There's no other man who could save the dead

There's no other God to place our head

Would the righteous still remain?

Would my body stay the same?

There's no other man who could raise the dead

So do what you can to anoint my head

Oh God, hold me now

Oh Lord, touch me now

Dating Response Cards

I have this idea, which I’m convinced will completely alter the way we approach dating. 

The post-date response card

It even has a blank to fill-in the date of the call back

“What is this ‘post-date response card’ that you speak of?” you may be asking.  I’m glad you asked.  Have you ever been on a date which ended with the guy expressing an intention to call you up to do this again, and then he disappeared?  Actually, I’m assuming that most of you have experienced this at some point in your life.  Are you frustrated with the inauthentic line of “Let’s do this again”?  Well, I am.  And the solution came to me suddenly one night: the post-date response card.  At the beginning of the date, you hand the guy two cards.  You explain that there are two responses written on the cards.  One indicates interest, while the other gives a polite “thanks, but no thanks”.  At the end of the date, the guy hands you the card that most accurately represents his sentiments.  Then, you open the card later, once the date has ended. 

No Hard Feelings

OK, I admit that this idea is strange (at the very least).  And I realize that to actually do this would be completely awkward.  I will most likely never hand out these cards, but I wish that I could.  There are all these do’s and don’ts in dating and I’m always confused on how to show interest, yet still be elusive.  I often find myself wishing for clear communication:

“I like you.”

“I do not like you in that way.”

“Thanks for letting me know.  Peace to you.”

I long for these conversations instead of the waiting and wondering that is one of the most common side effects of dating (side effects may also include dry mouth and compulsive gambling, do not date while operating heavy machinery).  I mentioned these cards to a friend and she commented back that it was very un-relational.  I agreed, but expressed that I’d rather get the card, than not hear anything back.

 I hate the unknowing that comes with the dating territory.  The anxiety.  The growing disappointment.  Then, the final realization that he is not calling back.  It sends me into a questioning place, where I start to re-examine what I said, how I responded, even down to what I was wearing.  I walked through this very experience last winter.  I met with him for coffee after talking on the phone and texting a couple of weeks prior to our meeting.  It was one of the few dates that I emerged from thinking “this is what people mean when they say dating is fun”.  I was interested in him and surprisingly found myself flirty (Not one of my top 5 Strengths).  The date ended.  We hugged.  He said the fateful words “let’s do this again”. 

That was the last time I saw him. 

For the first couple of days, I felt secure in the fact that he would call me. I know there are rules as to when to call back (I hear anywhere between 2-4 days).  Then, as it went to 3, 4, 5 days and more, the insecurity set in.  Why isn’t he calling?  Then we hit a week and I knew I wasn’t going to be hearing back.  I was ready with all the excuses.

Maybe he met someone else.

He must not have been good for me.

He did seem like he was trouble.

But, that didn’t make the pain go away.  It just hurt.  I was confused, without the hope of an answer.  I also got angry.  How do you not let the other person know?  Unfortunately, this seems to be part of the dating experience. Blerg!

Somehow, in this place of powerlessness, the idea of these response cards feels like a solution.  If only these cards existed, then the no-call zone would never happen again. 

If only. 

I’m fully willing to admit that these cards are my way of feeling in control.  I long to feel control when the reality is that I ultimately have none.  I cannot make someone call me back.  I cannot force another to communicate in the way I deem appropriate.  I cannot fully understand the male brain. 

But wouldn’t it be great if these cards worked?

Every Pot has its Lid

I have the joy of living with two single women.  Some of my favorite moments with them are when we commiserate about singleness and the woes of dating.  The other night one of my roomies shared a profile she’d come across on a dating site.  As she read this man’s profile it quickly became clear that his life revolved around turtles.  Yes, you heard/read me correctly.  Turtles.  He talked about them in his introduction.  He had pictures of them.  He even listed them as one of the six things he couldn’t live without.  Wow, what do you even say to that?

We had a good laugh.  My roommate mentioned a statement she’d read recently that “every pot has its lid.”  That got me thinking, who would be a good fit for our turtley friend?  I pulled out my chalk board and started writing down some unusual hobbies.  Then, my roommates and I entered into some deep hypothesizing and began to match up our fictional people based on their interests. 

How about a Civil War reenacter with a Renaissance Faire groupie? 

Or perhaps an anime lover with a fantasy writer? 

Maybe a Goth paired up with a Steam Punker?

These explorations are a bit of a hobby of mine.  Perhaps even an unusual one.  I find that the world of dating is a strange one.  The rules in normal life do not apply and I often feel woefully behind on how this all works.  Do I text after a date?  How do I act interested, but not too interested?  Does he really mean he’ll call back if he says he will?  In these moments, creating charts and graphs, or even just talking about how strange dating is, feels somewhat grounding.  For years I was scared to ask these questions.  Now, I’m starting to dip my toe in the stream.  I find that the more I ask these questions, whether with my friends, or here on the blog, the more I find that no one knows what they’re doing.  And that is comforting to me. 

Still.  Some days I get frustrated.  I feel hopeless about finding my lid...Or is it my pot?  The older I get, the more secure I feel in who I am and in my character, and this reality seems to complicate dating even more.  I mean, when I was in my early twenties, I was still figuring out myself.  I was a lot less picky than I am today.  I think it will take a miracle of God for me to get married (although, I think anyone getting together is some sort of miraculous act). 

I was at dinner with a friend last night and we were talking about how much easier it would be if God would just let us know if we’re going to be single for life or if we’re getting married.  Frustratingly, he hasn’t answered that question for either of us.  And part of me gets it.  There is something good about this process of growth that comes through unknowing.  I have to trust in God.  Not that he will undoubtedly provide a husband, but rather that whether it be a single or married life, it is good and offered in loving care to me. 

As I wait, I’m grateful for moments when I can laugh with friends over the oddness that is a dating life.  

Profile in Review

Let me take a minute now to discuss bad profile photos.  There was a time, not too long ago, when you took a photo, finished a roll of film, then took it to get developed.  Sometimes you hit the jackpot and got some great shots.  Other times, your roll was blurry and out of focus, or just didn’t capture a person at his or her best.  Today, we have a wonderful thing called a digital camera.  “But Jen, how does this affect my profile photo?”  I’m glad you asked.  See, upon taking a photo, one can immediately see if it is a good shot.  If your face resembles a demon-possessed girl, then try, try again.  My point is this.  I see so many awful photos on dating sites and all it would take is another shot that is in better light, not out of focus, not cropping out an ex-girlfriend, not you with a creepy stalker expression, etc. One more thing.  Please crop out the toilet in the back ground of your selfie.

So, here is my list of photos to avoid on your online dating profile (note: this list pertains mostly towards men, but don’t worry, a female edition is on its way):

- Blurry photo: I hate when a guy posts a blurry photo…and that's the only photo. In this age of digital technology, how hard is it to take another photo? 

-Awkward animal photos – I appreciate that you are an animal lover, but please avoid the photo of you with a monkey hiding in your jacket.  I am not kidding.  I have witnessed this photo.  It took me a moment until I came across the fact that this guy had a monkey cradled in his wind breaker.  Ask my roommates.  They have seen this photo.  I don’t really need to explain this one, do I?

-Cropped Photo: This beauty of a profile pic occurs when there is a girl obviously cropped out of the photo. Are you trying to tell me that you're desirable? Instead, you look like a player.  Just choose another photo.

-Act your age: Also, it doesn’t bode well for us when you’re profile photo makes you look like Justin Bieber…and you’re in your thirties. 

-Partying/Drinking photos: That’s great that you enjoy a beer every now and then, but posting shots of you getting trashed just aren’t appealing.  Especially on a Christian dating site.  Just saying.  

-Group photo: I dread the group shot.  Especially when a few of the guys look similar or it’s from far away.  Even worse when it’s the only photo on the profile.  Seriously?  Where are you?

-Unusual clothing: You make think it’s hilarious to post a photo of you in a strange outfit or your Star Trek costume.  Think again. Definitely be who you are, but maybe save those photos for later on.

-Head shots: These are mock posed head shots complete with awkward poses.  Seriously, who naturally sits like that?  Olan Mills called and they want their photo back.  Extra points if there is a tacky background.  

-Selfies: I’m not completely opposed to self shots, but they tend to be at awkward angles, poor lighting and out of focus.  Using the mirror in your bathroom just feels lazy.  Ask a friend.  I’m sure they’ll take a photo of you.  But if you must use a selfie, please crop out the toilet in the background.  Again, I have seen this photo on a dating site. 

Final Thoughts: While a photo cannot express all the complexities of a human, they do provide some basic information on a person.  Keep it simple, recent, and close-up.  And be yourself.

Thanks to my brother for allowing these photos of him to be used on the blog.  For your information:

-Most of these were posed

-Sorry ladies, he’s taken by the lovely Alex (who graciously took most of the photos for this post)

Summer Wedding Series: Own the Dance Floor

It’s the final segment in the Summer Wedding Series!  By now you should be armed and ready to step into the battle that is attending a wedding as a single person:

Expectations adjusted?  Check

Avoiding awkward comments on singleness?  Check

Gracefully ditching the bouquet toss, thanks to SashaFierce?  Check and check

Owning the dance floor?  See below…

My absolute favorite part of a wedding is the dancing.  Hi my name is Jen and I am a wedding dancer.  I don’t like going out to clubs, disco techs, or wherever the kids are going these days.  But I do love to dance and a wedding is a perfect venue to get down with your bad self (good self, conflicted self?). 

Wedding Dancing in Action

At my old apartment we had a Wii and my absolute favorite game was Wii dance.  That was my best preparation for wedding season, because I was exposed to the latest songs and learned little dance routines to go along with them.  My absolute favorite moment last summer at a wedding was when Katy Perry’s “Firework” came on and my roommate and I taught the dance floor the moves to that song.  It was a spectacular moment!  We were all fireworks that night. 

As I go into wedding season, I usually have a couple of songs that are my songs.  These are the songs that no matter where I am and what I am doing I will run to the dance floor.  As mentioned above, “Firework” is one of these songs.  Pretty much anything by Lady Gaga works as well.  There are of course the various songs from the 60’s on that are favorites and unify a wedding crowd.  Ultimately though, music choice will reside with the DJ and this person can make or break a wedding.  A DJ is like the bass player in a band.  You may not notice his/her presence musically, but take out the bass and the music just seems a bit flat and dull.  A DJ doesn’t just pick out the music, but knows what songs work at particular times and is adept at choosing an amazing last song.  For those planning weddings, if you’re going to have dancing, don’t cheap out on a DJ (unless your second cousin with an iPod really is that good - doubtful). 

What makes wedding dancing so fun is that there really is something worth celebrating when two people come together.  If ever there is a reason to eat, drink, and be merry, a wedding takes the cake (pun intended).  No one takes themselves too seriously when dancing at a wedding and it’s a great chance to see even the most uptight person relax.  For me, dancing at a wedding feels like taking part in the human experience.  I don’t mean to place wedding dancing on some high and mighty pedestal, but it is interesting that this has been one of the ways humans have celebrated for thousands of years. 

One of the reasons I love the movie "Hitch" - awesome wedding dancing!

Now, some of you hate dancing.  It doesn’t matter where it takes place, there is no dancing for you.  That is perfectly fine.  Ultimately, you have to discover what it is you enjoy about a wedding, and sink into that.  Do you enjoy beautiful wedding cakes?  Take lots of photos and savor each bite.  Do you appreciate connecting with old and new friends?  Connect to your heart’s content.  As difficult as weddings can be as a single person, also allow yourself to enjoy and celebrate the parts of weddings that are beautiful and joyous.  You actually may find yourself having fun.*

 ……….

So, here are my questions for you, dear reader:

-What is your favorite part of the wedding? 

-What songs draw you to the dance floor at a wedding?

*I don’t say this in an admonishing way to those who have a hard time at weddings.  Actually, I’m mostly encouraging myself, because I need the reminder that weddings can be fun, and thought others might feel similarly.  So, these words are for me and you friend.    

Summer Wedding Series: Why I love Beyonce’s “Single Ladies”, AKA The Dreaded Bouquet Toss

Here’s the third in my Summer Wedding Series.  You started by adjusting yourexpectations.  Then you learned some evasive tactics for those awful questions and comments pertaining to your singleness.  Now, onto the dreaded bouquet toss…

I am eternally grateful for Beyonce’s song “Single Ladies.”  No, it hasn’t inspired me in life or encouraged me in some dark moments.  Rather, it has been an aid to me at weddings.  But let me start from the beginning.  As a single woman in her thirties, I have gone to my fair share of weddings.  The older I’ve gotten, the more I have come to dread the bouquet toss.  Something about that tradition just frustrates and annoys me.  I mean, going to a wedding as a single person tends to be challenging enough.  Another wedding and I’m not the bride.  Then, there are the awkward questions or the misguided words of “encouragement.”  So, by the time the bouquet toss comes along, I’m feeling pretty insecure and blue.  Then, they parade the single people out in front of everyone and expect us to act the fool in pursuit of the bouquet.  It’s become difficult to avoid the toss as a single person.  Everyone’s keeping their eyes out for you, sometimes literally pulling you onto the dance floor.  I say no! 

I’ve developed some strategies over the years to avoid this debacle.  My ear has become finely attuned to the DJ starting to call all the single women to the floor.  On a good day, I can be half way to the restroom* by the time he’s finished his sentence.  However, since Beyonce dropped “Single Ladies”, I was given another ally in my quest to avoid the bouquet toss.  The moment I hear that song, I know that something fowl is afoot and I can be safely in the ladies room by the time the call is made. 

Weddings are strange social gatherings and they tend to stir up all my insecurities.  I love getting to celebrate my friends, to stand with them and give my support to their marriage.  Yet, in the midst of all that goodness, the sadness that is stirred in me is a fear that I will never get married.  The fear that I am called to singleness for life.

In the last few years, I’ve learned and taught on vocation.  Sometimes, we tend to see vocation solely as our life purpose, when actually the true meaning reaches much wider than that.  The word vocation comes from the Latin word “vocare,” which literally means to call.  We often use the term solely for those who are pursuing jobs within the church or other areas of ministry.  Yet, as Christians, there are basic ways of life that each of us is called into.  We are called to love God.  We are called to love others.  These are not callings that are specific to some people, but are for the entire church.  Another aspect of vocation that I explored was the immediate call.  There are jobs, people, places, stages of life that we are called to in this moment.  These calls may not be for life, but they are true for today.  An example would be the calling into parenting a toddler.  Your life call most likely will not be to parent a toddler, but in the present, this is a significant calling on your life.  We can often see all callings as being locked in for life, when in actuality they at times only span a season of life instead.**

One of the hotbed topics when it comes to vocation is that of the celibate life.  Even as I type these words, I can’t help but think of nuns and priests.  In the scriptures, we see Paul engaging in his own calling to celibacy, while he encourages others likewise.  I think one of the greatest fears of singles is this specific call, because it can feel like a life sentence.  However, this particular vocation can actually be seen in two different realities.  One is a life-long call to the single life, while the other sees singleness as relegated to the immediate season of life. 

Yesterday, I was walking across a lake by my house and talking with God about my singleness.  As I stopped and looked across the water, I remembered the creation narrative in Genesis, (See Genesis 1).  After each day, the Lord declared what he made as good.  In my own life, God has placed me in a season of singleness.  And I believe (to some extent) that he calls it good.  This is not the good that I envisioned, but I want to learn to trust in what he calls good.  For me today, singleness is good.  This is my part of my vocation for this day. 

While this recognition of goodness does not make my singleness automatically turn into a joyful gift, I am grateful for the little reminders that God is with me and cares about my life.  Beautiful walks across a lake.  Family and friends who love and care for me.  And Beyonce’s “Single Ladies”, giving me a rhythmic heads up when bouquet danger is on the horizon. 

……….

*The restroom is my designated haven during bouquet tosses.  It’s a legitimate excuse and lets me avoid having to explain why I don’t like the bouquet toss. 

**This section on vocation was inspired by the teachings of Dr. John H. Coe, Institute of Spiritual Formation, at Talbot School of Theology

Summer Wedding Series: Your Day Will Come Soon and Other Unhelpful Comments

So, you’ve adjusted your expectations and now you are contemplating the reality of actually attending a wedding.  Of course, the first fear that is popping into your head is: Great, now I get to hear comment on my singleness by all sorts of people.

A couple of years ago I was invited to the wedding of a kid I used to babysit.  I’ve found that these are the worst weddings* to attend, especially if there is a considerable gap in your ages.  It’s not as depressing when you were 12 and the child was 9, but it’s a different story when you were 12 and the kid was 4.  I RSVP’ed my yes, but as the wedding approached I found myself wanting to ditch.  I mentioned this to my parents, who were also attending, and they encouraged me to go.  I decided to attend, but before leaving I was griping to my parents again and said how I was dreading the questions and comments of others.  They both looked at me inquisitively.  I explained that people would make awkward comments on my singleness, asking “When are you going to get married?”  They both laughed and said, “No one will ask you that.”  I shrugged my shoulders and off we went.

Fast forward 30-40 minutes.  We’re waiting to sign the guest book and bump into a family friend.  We all make small talk, but within 2-3 minutes the dreaded question makes its appearance:

So, when are you going to settle down?

I almost laughed out loud.  I quickly looked at my parents, raising my eyebrows, essentially communicating “I told you so,” before laughing a bit and giving a rehearsed answer. 

I laugh, but really, part of my wants to cry in those moments.

In moments when I feel really insecure about my singleness, weddings seem to rub it in my face, taunting me with its beautiful flowers, buffet lines, and lately, cute flag banners.  Darn you cute DIY weddings!  Note: one should never visit the site Green Wedding Shoes when feeling this way.  Or go on Pinterest. 

Actually, going to a wedding as a single person (and especially as a single person who’s getting older) is sort of like a battle field.  There are land mines all over and one best step carefully.  There are a variety of comments being launched at the single person and it’s easy to be taken down by one of these missiles.  The other day I posted on Facebook asking for people to send in the best comments they’ve received at a wedding.  Thanks to all who contributed!  Here are some of my personal favorites:

Your time will come soon

Why is a pretty girl like you not married?

So...met anyone special lately?'

So when are we going to see you up there?

Now don't put it off too long!

Get over there (*push), you have to catch that bouquet!

Have you tried online dating?

Let me introduce you to that nice girl over there....

You're next, right?

Oh you're not married? I thought you tied the knot a long time ago......cricket

Don't worry, God has someone for you... He's just not ready yet.

You are such a sweet and supportive sister... I'm sure it isn't easy for you.

So, are you seeing anyone?

I know as I read this list, many of these comments felt familiar and I’m sure you’ve heard some in your journey of singleness. 

Really though, when entering the mine field of weddings I think the best defense is to expect the questions, have some good short answers prepared, and to respond with a diverting question.  Of course, if you wanted to freak someone out, you could just burst into tears and start pouring out your heart.  In my book, that’s akin to heaping hot coals on another’s head. 

Here are some practice answers based on some of the comments above:

So when are we going to see you up there?

What I want to answer: When the men I meet start manning up and getting over their Peter Pan syndrome.

What I will answer: (Shrug) I don’t know.  But wasn’t it just a lovely ceremony today?

Don't worry, God has someone for you... He's just not ready yet.

What I want to answer: Really, do you know that for sure?  Did God give you a personal message that I am going to get married?  Or are you just uncomfortable with my singleness? 

What I will answer: (Smile) Thanks.  So, how are you doing?

Have you tried online dating?

What I want to answer: What’s that?  Online dating? Why no one has ever mentioned that possibility to me.  What, your second cousin’s best friend’s pet sitter found her husband on there?  Sign me up.

What I will answer: I actually have.  Have you tried the cheese board yet?  The Toscano is delightful (Cheese – the ultimate tension diffuser).

Also, be prepared with an exit strategy.  No matter how much you try to deflect the comments, some people are determined to drill into the single person’s psyche.  The best response is to remove yourself from the situation.  Having to refill your drink or use the restroom is always a good plausible exit.

Finally, remember that while these comments can feel prying or insensitive, they do usually come with good intentions.  And for those who are married and perhaps inclined towards these statements, think twice before speaking.  Every time you do, a single person quietly thanks you.    

So, what are some of the best comments and questions you’ve heard at a wedding?  Give your response through the comment section below.

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*This not the worst wedding to attend.  I saw an episode of The Mindy Project where she attended her ex’s wedding to the woman she was dumped for.  But who goes to or is even invited to these weddings.  That would be the worst.  Followed closely by attending a wedding where a recent ex is present.  So, maybe going to the wedding of a kid you babysat for is the third worst.  I think.  

Summer Wedding Series: Adjusting your Expectations

Today I’m starting a series on how to prepare for wedding season.  Not as a bride, groom or family member, but as a single person.  Weddings can be tricky and confusing for those who are single and these are a few tips I discovered along the way.  For the next few Mondays I will post on different topics related to weddings (avoiding questions about singlehood, the bouquet toss, etc). 

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Lately I’ve noticed that I enter into weddings either incredibly optimistic about meeting someone or despairing about being single at another wedding.  There are the weddings that I just look forward to – the ones where I know lots of people and know that there will be a great DJ (my one weakness at weddings: dancing).  When I’m despairing, I end up pretty defensive.  If you want to see defensiveness as an art form, witness me in all my glory at a wedding I don’t want to be at.  I’m silent, force fake smiles and leave the moment I can.  Now I tend to avoid those weddings and just send a gift. 

I’ve found that being overly optimistic hasn’t worked out great either.  I was at a wedding a couple of years ago, with high hopes of meeting some new guys.  As part of the wedding there was a dance lesson.  So, I stood on the women’s side, keeping my eyes open for who would be my partner.  I kept looking around until I finally looked down and saw the six year old across from me.  I laughed externally, but internally I said, “Yes, this is how my life always goes.”  And in that moment, I felt such despair.  I ran through the lines that accompany many/most of us when we lose hope over meeting someone:

This is my lot in life: the token single woman.

Why does this always happen to me?

I’ll never get married.

The despair remained with me into the next day.  In those moments I feel stuck.  Stuck in an intersection of emotions that all cross at my heart.  Anger.  Fear.  Loneliness.  Deep sadness.  Eventually I open up and talk to God about my heart. 

This all or nothing thinking has made appearances in most areas of my life.  In can be an emotionally turbulent place to be, overly high expectations crashing down to despair.  Neither place is good for me.  Neither place is realistic.  When I was in seminary, the profs in my department would talk about being open.  This terminology was used all the time:

Open to God.

Open to what’s going on in your heart.

Remain open to what might happen.

The term “open” has been such a grounding concept for me. Being open means allowing things to play out instead of trying to control the results.  It means trusting God and that he knows what he is doing.  It means finding my hope in him, and not in the hope of getting married.

I still find myself horribly in process when it comes to remaining open.  Some days, it feels easy to trust God.  Other days, it is the last thing I want to do.  Especially when it comes to weddings, an event that lately has seemed to bring up all my insecurities.   I relate to Katherine Hepburn’s brutally honest line in “The Philadelphia Story”:

Oh, I'm such an unholy mess of a girl.

So, from this unholy mess of a girl.  This is my truth.  For now.

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As you approach this wedding season, take a moment to consider with God:

What does it look like for me to be open at this wedding?  How do I keep you as my hope, and not some unrealistic expectation?

The Myth of “When you stop looking…”

If I were a betting women*, I would guess that one of the most commonly heard phrases by a single person is “When you stop looking, the one will suddenly appear” or some variation of this comment.  There was a time when that was a comforting sentiment, but now it just frustrates me.  And actually, I’ve come to believe that, while it may come with good intentions, it can be one of the most damaging statements for a single person to hear.

What about the other times I “wasn’t looking”?

This question was the first hint to me that the “stop looking” recommendation had its issues.  I didn’t go into college with strong hopes of meeting someone.  I wasn’t opposed to it, but my main motivation was to do something meaningful with my life.  Even after graduating, I felt fine being single.  It really wasn’t till I hit my mid-twenties, that I started to experience sadness over my singleness.  Again though, this wasn’t a constant sadness and I enjoyed the freedom I had to move to England for a year.  It really wasn’t till my late twenties that my singleness became concerning for me.  It was then that I really was faced with my deeper beliefs about myself and God. 

I share this, because, for all the times I wasn’t looking, I didn’t meet my future husband.  So, does that mean, I really wasn’t looking?  Underlying this statement is an assumption that one has been crazily searching for their mate every waking moment of the day.  Yet, I cannot think of one single person I have known who has fit this description. 

What are you called to in this season of life?

The last few years I have been learning about callings.  Sometimes we see callings as being lifelong, when actually they are often seasonal.  I am a student for a season, but not for all of my life.  The statement of “stop looking” completely ignores the question of what the individual is called to in that moment.  It presupposes that every person is to be married.  Right now.  While many will end up married, there are still those who remain single for life.  I know we try to ignore that reality by saying “they wouldn’t have the desire to if they were called to marriage.”  Unfortunately, I’ve met more than one person for whom that has not been true.  They wanted marriage, but eventually came to the conclusion that God didn’t have that for them and reconciled that with him.  No matter how much I want to be married, this does not necessarily mean that this is what God has for me today or even the rest of my life.  The deeper question may be, can I trust that the Lord knows what he is doing in this time in my life? 

Who is in control?

Yet, the most concerning aspect of the “stop looking” statement is that it seeks to put the ultimate control in our hands.  “I determine my future.”  “If I do this formula, then I will get these desired results.”  We need only read the book of Job to see that this is not the way life works.  Job was a godly man.  He lived life wisely.  Yet, that did not prevent him from experiencing deep loss and devastation.  I cannot trick God into bringing along the person I am to marry.  Doing the “right thing” will not guarantee that I get my way. 

I hate earthquakes.  Absolutely.  Completely.  They terrify me.  When I was little I experienced a few larger earthquakes.  Somehow, I came to the conclusion that earthquakes only happened when I didn’t think about them.  So, for night after night as I was getting ready for bed, I would think about earthquakes.  I believed that the thought would keep me safe and Southern California earthquake free.  I can look back on that today and laugh.  It seems pretty ridiculous to older me.  I can’t help but wonder if we take a similar posture when we tell the myth of “stop looking”.  It sounds normal enough, but when we step back and look deeper at what this statement implies, it actually is a bit crazy and ridiculous.  I am not denying that there are wise ways that we can present ourselves as singles, but it is not these actions that ultimately determine whether or not we get married. 

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I wish life was that easy – to plug behaviors into the equation, yielding the same desired results each time.  The formula can be so alluring (and at times, it can seem as though it works), but it is also devoid of relationship.  If I determine my future, then why do I need another person?  Why do I need God?  If life has taught me anything, it is that I am not ultimately in control.  And that is good. And scary.  I don’t have a prescribed alternative statement to replace “stop looking.”  As I type this I realize there is not one prescribed statement that we should offer to the singles in our lives.  Rather, the relational move is to listen and be with singles as they continue on in their journey. 

*I am not a betting woman.  First, my job prohibits gambling, but even if I could gamble I would not.  Gambling makes no sense to me.  This is what runs through my head when I think about making a bet: So, I give my money to you and there’s a 99.9% chance I’ll lose it?  And that’s fun?  I think I’d rather hold onto my cash.  Or burn it.  Both sound more fun than gambling.  No judgment on those who gamble, it just doesn’t make sense to me.  I’m not a risk taker.  Gambling is tantamount to bungee jumping, which sounds like the worst thing ever.  More than you probably wanted or needed to know.  Hence the asterisk.