Yup, I’ve gotten to the phase in online dating when the site
just starts throwing out random folks at me.
You said you wanted a man between 28 and 38? Well, how about this 25 year old (note: I’m
32 and those kind of age gaps are only socially acceptable when the genders are
swapped – don’t get me started). 100 mile
radius? How about a coal miner from
South Dakota? And did I mention that
some of these random guys have really odd names? And not just names tied into other
cultures. I mean, just plain odd
names.
Windermere
Quadnatius
Tiberias
(Note: These are not actual names, but plays on names I have
come across.)
I don’t mean to judge a person based on a name, but
sometimes I can’t help but wonder if these names are for real. Really?
Your parents named you that? Is
this a fake profile? I don’t know if I
can take you seriously. The strange
thing is, these weird names didn’t start popping up until recently. As if, when eHarmony gets to the bottom of
the barrel, they start pulling out the guys with strange names.
I realize I’m an odd bird and I may be a challenging person
to find matches for. But I think I’d
prefer eHarmony just to tell me that, instead of their charade of odd
matches. It’s like when a magician draws
your attention so you miss the trickery that’s actually taking place. Don’t distract me, just tell me the
truth. \
So readers, what’s your experience with unusual matches?
Ok, so this was from a previous post, but it's just as true today as it was back then.
Last night I was looking at my matches and I started listing
the things that elicit automatic no's from me, or as Liz Lemon would call it, a
Dealbreaker. Enjoy!
Jen's Automatic Shut it Downs:
-Repeated grammatical mistakes (i.e. "Your"
instead of "You're"). I'm not expecting perfect grammar and I realize
we all have the occasional typo, but I can only overlook so much. I'm not
perfect. Or if you list your profession as a surgeon, but misspell the word
surgeon. Ugh.
-Blurry photo - and that's the only photo. In this age of
digital technology, how hard is it to take another photo?
-Mentioning a Proverbs 31 woman. This one ticks me off. It
feels like a cop out. Instead of listing what you are actually looking for in a
woman, you just point to a chapter that paints the picture of a perfect woman.
I get anxious when I read Proverbs 31. When I see a guy list that, I feel as
though he's looking for a woman to do everything for him. And I get tired.
-Picture with a girl obviously cropped out of the photo.
Just choose another photo. Are you trying to tell me that you're desirable?
Instead, you look like a player.
-Makes fun of Harry Potter. Ridikulous! I heart Harry
Potter, and while it's not a requirement for the guy I date to appreciate it, I
don't like it when you look down on the book/movie.
-Writing in all caps. STOP SHOUTING AT ME!
-Wearing a cowboy hat in profile picture: This one’s
specific to me. I just don’t dig that
culture.
-I’m an open book.
And then the guy writes two vague sentences in his description. Sorry, no, you’re not at “open book”. That term means you actually communicate
something about yourself. What's you're doing is called "phoning it in."
This
list is not exhaustive. So, what makes you want to Shut it Down?
Last month I posted on how much I hate online dating. Guess what? I still
do. I don’t know if it’s me, but I feel
frustrated with the whole process. I get
sick of reading profile after profile, each one sounding exhaustingly the same as the others. And the
site I’m on has these stupid questions:
How many times were you suspended in school?
Have you ever broken up a marriage?
Tap Dance or soft shoe?
(Note: one of these questions is made up)
But the two that annoy me the most are:
How would you respond to having a female pilot for a flight
to Europe?
Are women funny?
I mean, really?
That’s just offensive. And while
most men on the site have no issues with female pilots, a bunch have answered
that women are on the rare occasion as funny as men. That fires me up! Sure, females and males may differ as to what
makes them laugh, but differing senses of humor does not mean that one gender
is funnier than another. So, whenever I
see that question answered saying women are not as funny, it puts me on
edge. It’s hard for me to get past that
one. And I realize that I’m making huge
judgments based on one question, but it sure doesn’t give me a hopeful glimpse
of this person. I blame the dating site
on this one. Come on eHarmony. Leave something to the imagination.
I also get frustrated (but nowhere near the same level of
frustration) when a man refers to women as “girls”. Now, I know that there might not be a lot of
meaning behind that term, but I find it demeaning. As a woman in her 30’s, I’m pretty sure I’ve
left girlhood behind. Or perhaps
Brittany was right. “I’m not a girl…not yet a woman.” Joking aside, a girl implies someone who
still needs to grow up, while a woman implies adulthood. Now, I’ll always have a childlike part to me
and I may look young, but please don’t patronize me. If the situation was
reversed I suspect it would be insulting to refer to a man as a boy,
right?
Finally, I’m reluctant to pay for membership. Every time I’ve shelled out the cash in the
past I’ve regretted it. Paired with odd
men. Or barely matched at all. Contacted by creepy guys my dad’s age. I’m
not flush with cash, so I feel hesitant about forking over a decent sum of
money.
All this to say, rawr to you online dating!*
*Yes, this is a negative post. I sometimes write those. It’s not a cry for help. Sometimes I get frustrated. Sometimes we all do. For those who are engaged in the world of
online dating, you get me, right?
I hate online dating. As I consider this sentiment, I wonder if anyone actually likes to be on an online dating site. I'm trying to imagine a person who is over the moon to be on eHarmony. She's jumping up and down, "Woooo, online dating is the best!" This is just funny, right? I'm sitting in a coffee shop as I write this, attempting to smother a laugh. Mostly, I see people who are either jaded (like myself) or those who are trying to remain open about dating sites. For the latter, there's usually a tinge of regret. "I'm trying to be open and try something new." This is usually accompanied by a shrug of their shoulders.
I think the only people who are truly excited about online dating are those who are either in a relationship or married. Born out of care for the single people in their lives, this seems like a tangible solution. "Have you thought of trying online dating? My friend Josephine met the love of her life after 2 days on Christian Mingle." I keep hearing about the multitudes who fall in love online, yet I actually know very few who have. Are these online couples just an urban myth?
I've hated online dating since I first knew it existed. There's something so awkward and embarrassing about the whole idea. There's no shrouding or ambiguity. We haven't met anyone in our network of people. We're here for one reason and one reason alone: to meet someone. It's humbling to be sure.
I really hate the ads for online sites too and eHarmony commercials are the worst. Everyone's so perfect, and blond, and smiley. There are numerous times when I have wanted to give one of those commercials the middle finger. And maybe I have. I can see right now happy couples twirling around, with big goofy grins on their faces. This amount of twirling is only acceptable in a Malick film (i.e. To the Wonder). Ugh.
I can't stand how unrelational dating sites are. How much can one really connect online? It's so easy to cut off communication or to be completely dishonest with another. I just wrote on Friday about how technology and social media has the power to increase our loneliness. I think online sites can fall within this realm as well.
Despite all of my frustrations with online dating, I am giving it a try again. It still makes me want to roll my eyes (and I actually did just roll my eyes as I typed this). I feel great amounts of reluctance. I still detest those awful ads. I read a great article last month on Donald Miller's blog. The author (not Miller) spoke about her experience on eHarmony. It was not a pro-online dating type of article necessarily, but it was an honest piece. I appreciated her honesty and frustration with the process. Somehow, it encouraged me to try online dating again. I don't enter in with grand expectations. I guess I enter back into the online dating world, if even just to be intentional about trying to date again. God can work in some unusual ways.
I have the joy of living with two single women. Some of my favorite moments with them are
when we commiserate about singleness and the woes of dating. The other night one of my roomies shared a
profile she’d come across on a dating site.
As she read this man’s profile it quickly became clear that his life
revolved around turtles. Yes, you
heard/read me correctly. Turtles. He talked about them in his
introduction. He had pictures of
them. He even listed them as one of the
six things he couldn’t live without.
Wow, what do you even say to that?
We had a good laugh.
My roommate mentioned a statement she’d read recently that “every pot
has its lid.” That got me thinking, who would be a good fit for our turtley
friend? I pulled out my chalk board and
started writing down some unusual hobbies.
Then, my roommates and I entered into some deep hypothesizing and began
to match up our fictional people based on their interests.
How about a Civil War reenacter with a Renaissance Faire
groupie?
Or perhaps an anime lover with a fantasy writer?
Maybe a Goth paired up with a Steam Punker?
These explorations are a bit of a hobby of mine. Perhaps even an unusual one. I find that the world of dating is a strange
one. The rules in normal life do not
apply and I often feel woefully behind on how this all works. Do I text after a date? How do I act interested, but not too
interested? Does he really mean he’ll
call back if he says he will? In these
moments, creating charts and graphs, or even just talking about how strange
dating is, feels somewhat grounding. For
years I was scared to ask these questions.
Now, I’m starting to dip my toe in the stream. I find that the more I ask these questions,
whether with my friends, or here on the blog, the more I find that no one knows
what they’re doing. And that is
comforting to me.
Still. Some days I
get frustrated. I feel hopeless about
finding my lid...Or is it my pot? The
older I get, the more secure I feel in who I am and in my character, and this
reality seems to complicate dating even more.
I mean, when I was in my early twenties, I was still figuring out
myself. I was a lot less picky than I am
today. I think it will take a miracle of
God for me to get married (although, I think anyone getting together is some
sort of miraculous act).
I was at dinner with a friend last night and we were talking
about how much easier it would be if God would just let us know if we’re going
to be single for life or if we’re getting married. Frustratingly, he hasn’t answered that
question for either of us. And part of
me gets it. There is something good
about this process of growth that comes through unknowing. I have to trust in God. Not that he will undoubtedly provide a
husband, but rather that whether it be a single or married life, it is good and
offered in loving care to me.
As I wait, I’m grateful for moments when I can laugh with
friends over the oddness that is a dating life.
Let me take a minute now to discuss bad profile photos. There was a time, not too long ago, when you
took a photo, finished a roll of film, then took it to get developed. Sometimes you hit the jackpot and got some
great shots. Other times, your roll was
blurry and out of focus, or just didn’t capture a person at his or her
best. Today, we have a wonderful thing
called a digital camera. “But Jen, how
does this affect my profile photo?” I’m
glad you asked. See, upon taking a
photo, one can immediately see if it is a good shot. If your face resembles a demon-possessed
girl, then try, try again. My point is
this. I see so many awful photos on dating
sites and all it would take is another shot that is in better light, not out of
focus, not cropping out an ex-girlfriend, not you with a creepy stalker
expression, etc. One more thing. Please
crop out the toilet in the back ground of your selfie.
So, here is my list of photos to avoid on your online dating
profile (note: this list pertains mostly towards men, but don’t worry, a female
edition is on its way):
- Blurry photo: I hate when a guy posts a blurry photo…and
that's the only photo. In this age of digital technology, how hard is it to
take another photo?
-Awkward animal photos – I appreciate that you are an animal
lover, but please avoid the photo of you with a monkey hiding in your
jacket. I am not kidding. I have witnessed this photo. It took me a moment until I came across the
fact that this guy had a monkey cradled in his wind breaker. Ask my roommates. They have seen this photo. I don’t really need to explain this one, do
I?
-Cropped Photo: This beauty of a profile pic occurs when there
is a girl obviously cropped out of the photo. Are you trying to tell me that
you're desirable? Instead, you look like a player. Just choose another photo.
-Act your age: Also, it doesn’t bode well for us when you’re
profile photo makes you look like Justin Bieber…and you’re in your
thirties.
-Partying/Drinking photos: That’s great that you enjoy a
beer every now and then, but posting shots of you getting trashed just aren’t
appealing. Especially on a Christian
dating site. Just saying.
-Group photo: I dread the group shot. Especially when a few of the guys look
similar or it’s from far away. Even
worse when it’s the only photo on the profile.
Seriously? Where are you?
-Unusual clothing: You make think it’s hilarious to post a
photo of you in a strange outfit or your Star Trek costume. Think again. Definitely be who you are, but
maybe save those photos for later on.
-Head shots: These are mock posed head shots complete with awkward poses. Seriously, who naturally sits like that? Olan Mills called and they want their photo back. Extra points if there is a tacky background.
-Selfies: I’m not completely opposed to self shots, but they
tend to be at awkward angles, poor lighting and out of focus. Using the mirror in your bathroom just feels
lazy. Ask a friend. I’m sure they’ll take a photo of you. But if you must use a selfie, please crop out
the toilet in the background. Again, I
have seen this photo on a dating site.
Final Thoughts: While a photo cannot express all the complexities of a human, they do provide some basic information on a person. Keep it simple, recent, and close-up. And be yourself.
Thanks to my brother for allowing these photos of him to be
used on the blog. For your information:
-Most of these were posed
-Sorry ladies, he’s taken by the lovely Alex (who graciously took most of the photos for this post)
