The Novelty Has Worn Off

I'm tired of writing about being single. When I first started blogging, I was full of ideas of posts on the single life - both silly and serious. Now, the novelty has worn off. The thought of writing about singleness or dating feels more like a chore.

I feel stuck when it comes to dating. I haven't seen any movement and I find myself drifting into apathy. If I'm honest, I feel as though I'm in the same exact place I was this time last year. And this time the year before. And the year before that. You get the idea.

I hide in apathy to avoid the rejection I feel. The apathy feeling much easier to bear with than the disappointment. When I'm playing out the same narratives again and again (or at least, what appears to be the same narrative), it can feel as though apathy is the only option. My mind tells me this is not true, but my heart has another view and has no problem making that known.

I get why the holidays are so difficult for singles. There are so many expectations and visions. Not of sugar plums, but of Christmas light viewings hand in hand, cozy nights with hot chocolate next to the fire, and Christmas movies snuggled next to the one you love. Forget falling in love in Spring, Christmas was made for lovers.

As I sit with both of these truths, it feels as though they make up some sort of odd equation which I am trying to solve. 

Tendency towards apathy (when faced with disappointment) x Christmas hopes = ?

I was never great at math and when I look at this equation I'd prefer to just sit with one or the other, not both pieces of the problem.

Here's the truth. I fear that I will always be single. It can terrify me at times. I fear sitting with that fear, so I avoid by leaning into apathy. I also am secretly sentimental. As evidenced above, I have visions of romantic (and somewhat unrealistic) moments. I feel like Beatrice and Bennedick in Shakespeare's "Much Ado About Nothing," loudly proclaiming their skepticism and disinterest when it comes to marriage and then diving into love the moment the option of romance is placed in their path.  I avoid what I feel, because there are times when it’s just so hard for me to believe that God knows what he is doing. 

As I look again at the equation, I see what the missing piece is: trust.  Trust is the place where I acknowledge and present my hopes and then place them into God’s loving hands.  Trusting that his goodness is not solely expressed or defined by my getting married.  Trusting that he hears my cries and is with me in the sorrow and disappointments.  Trusting that he is indeed trustworthy.

Dating from a Male Perspective

 

I’ve mentioned my brother here before on the blog as well as had him do some modeling for a post about

online dating profiles.  But today I’m picking his brain for thoughts on dating, from the male perspective.  First though, let’s back up a bit.  My brother is 8 years younger than me (though you’d never know now).  He didn’t really date in high school and in general was somewhat shy around girls.  However, in the last few years I’ve seen him really step out and start dating more.  As I’ve witnessed his process I’m continually impressed with his straightforward and honorable behavior.  In fact, as I’ve gone on my own dates, I’ve often found myself wishing that my brother could teach seminars to men on dating.  Come on 30-year old dude, my brother is light years ahead of you.  So, I decided to pick his brain on his process in dating.

What was the turning point in your beginning to ask out women?

I realized that women are no different than men.  I mean, they’re different, but not a great mystery.  I started to treat them the same.  There’s a big myth that women are something crazy and you have to put up a big front and have big muscles.  But actually, they’ll respect you if you be yourself.

You just started asking women out.  Talk about that.

I figured screw it – what have I got to lose.  I stopped caring.  What’s the worst that can happen?

How did you learn how to ask out women?

I had two approaches.  With the first I would talk to a woman for a few minutes and then ask her out.  In the second approach I’d just walk up and ask for her number.  (Side note: my brother has absolutely done this before.  He ended up dating a girl he’d met that way at House of Blues.  She was shy so we nicknamed her “Shy Ronnie”).  I have the blunt and the tender approach.  I think they worked, because I didn’t learn how to do it.  I just did it. 

I’ve noticed that you’re really great at communicating in dating.  What do you see the role of communication as in dating?

I don’t like there to be any gray area and it to be unclear whether or not it is a date.  I always say specifically “would you like to go out on a date”.  I go to coffee with friends, that doesn’t mean I’m dating them.  I make it know from step one that I want to ask you out.

What has contributed to your valuing that level of communication?  (Side note: my questions weren’t great for this interview, but I’m really proud of this one.  It actually sounds like I know what I’m talk about.)

Communication is what’ important.  Alex (Andrew’s lovely girlfriend) and I communicate about everything.  When we have an issue we make it known.  I dated a lot of girls before Alex and there just wasn’t that level of communication.

What should women hold out for in dating relationships?

Go on dates with other guys, but if you see any issues, bring it up.  A red flag today is a red flag tomorrow.  Especially if it’s against your core values.  Break it off. 

Also, be treated with respect.  And he should pay for stuff!  I hate when guys don’t pay for stuff.  You should pay for at least 90% of stuff.  If he’s not paying for stuff upfront, then you should dump him. 

Thanks Andrew for letting me pick your brain.  You’re awesome!

Still Frustrated

Why can't dating be this simple?

Last month I posted on how much I hate online dating. Guess what?  I still do.  I don’t know if it’s me, but I feel frustrated with the whole process.  I get sick of reading profile after profile, each one sounding exhaustingly the same as the others.  And the site I’m on has these stupid questions:

How many times were you suspended in school?

Have you ever broken up a marriage?

Tap Dance or soft shoe?

(Note: one of these questions is made up)

But the two that annoy me the most are:

How would you respond to having a female pilot for a flight to Europe?

Are women funny?

I mean, really?  That’s just offensive.  And while most men on the site have no issues with female pilots, a bunch have answered that women are on the rare occasion as funny as men.  That fires me up!  Sure, females and males may differ as to what makes them laugh, but differing senses of humor does not mean that one gender is funnier than another.  So, whenever I see that question answered saying women are not as funny, it puts me on edge.  It’s hard for me to get past that one.  And I realize that I’m making huge judgments based on one question, but it sure doesn’t give me a hopeful glimpse of this person.  I blame the dating site on this one.  Come on eHarmony.  Leave something to the imagination. 

I also get frustrated (but nowhere near the same level of frustration) when a man refers to women as “girls”.  Now, I know that there might not be a lot of meaning behind that term, but I find it demeaning.  As a woman in her 30’s, I’m pretty sure I’ve left girlhood behind.  Or perhaps Brittany was right. “I’m not a girl…not yet a woman.”   Joking aside, a girl implies someone who still needs to grow up, while a woman implies adulthood.  Now, I’ll always have a childlike part to me and I may look young, but please don’t patronize me. If the situation was reversed I suspect it would be insulting to refer to a man as a boy, right? 

Finally, I’m reluctant to pay for membership.  Every time I’ve shelled out the cash in the past I’ve regretted it.  Paired with odd men.  Or barely matched at all.  Contacted by creepy guys my dad’s age. I’m not flush with cash, so I feel hesitant about forking over a decent sum of money. 

All this to say, rawr to you online dating!*  

*Yes, this is a negative post.  I sometimes write those.  It’s not a cry for help.  Sometimes I get frustrated.  Sometimes we all do.  For those who are engaged in the world of online dating, you get me, right? 

I Hate Online Dating

I hate online dating. As I consider this sentiment, I wonder if anyone actually likes to be on an online dating site. I'm trying to imagine a person who is over the moon to be on eHarmony. She's jumping up and down, "Woooo, online dating is the best!" This is just funny, right? I'm sitting in a coffee shop as I write this, attempting to smother a laugh. Mostly, I see people who are either jaded (like myself) or those who are trying to remain open about dating sites. For the latter, there's usually a tinge of regret. "I'm trying to be open and try something new." This is usually accompanied by a shrug of their shoulders.  

I think the only people who are truly excited about online dating are those who are either in a relationship or married. Born out of care for the single people in their lives, this seems like a tangible solution. "Have you thought of trying online dating? My friend Josephine met the love of her life after 2 days on Christian Mingle." I keep hearing about the multitudes who fall in love online, yet I actually know very few who have. Are these online couples just an urban myth?  

I've hated online dating since I first knew it existed. There's something so awkward and embarrassing about the whole idea. There's no shrouding or ambiguity. We haven't met anyone in our network of people. We're here for one reason and one reason alone: to meet someone. It's humbling to be sure.  

I really hate the ads for online sites too and eHarmony commercials are the worst. Everyone's so perfect, and blond, and smiley. There are numerous times when I have wanted to give one of those commercials the middle finger. And maybe I have. I can see right now happy couples twirling around, with big goofy grins on their faces. This amount of twirling is only acceptable in a Malick film (i.e. To the Wonder). Ugh.

I can't stand how unrelational dating sites are. How much can one really connect online? It's so easy to cut off communication or to be completely dishonest with another. I just wrote on Friday about how technology and social media has the power to increase our loneliness. I think online sites can fall within this realm as well.  

Despite all of my frustrations with online dating, I am giving it a try again. It still makes me want to roll my eyes (and I actually did just roll my eyes as I typed this). I feel great amounts of reluctance. I still detest those awful ads. I read a great article last month on Donald Miller's blog. The author (not Miller) spoke about her experience on eHarmony. It was not a pro-online dating type of article necessarily, but it was an honest piece. I appreciated her honesty and frustration with the process. Somehow, it encouraged me to try online dating again. I don't enter in with grand expectations. I guess I enter back into the online dating world, if even just to be intentional about trying to date again. God can work in some unusual ways. 

When Did Coffee become the Pre-date?

I remember once getting stood up for a coffee blind date.  The person felt awful and re-scheduled.  But instead of coffee, we went for lunch.  I remember thinking that I was upgraded.  And the fact that I thought that, made me aware of the hierarchy in dates.  Now, I am in no way an expert when it comes to the dating world.  Even though I’m in my thirties, I still often feel as though I’m catching up on this mysterious realm.  While not being a master, I do find myself noting trends, etc.  One of the most obvious trends I see is the act of “going for coffee.”  As I think back over courting trends over the decades, I can’t help but see” going for coffee” as a relatively new development. 

Somehow, going for coffee has become the pre-date.  It’s dipping your toe in the water, instead of cannonballing into the lake.  It’s more casual.  More ambiguous.  Going for coffee is saying, “we’re on a date, but not on a date.”  A date itself seems to have become this big deal, almost signifying that I am ready for a serious relationship with you.  Coffee keeps things in the realm of casualness. 

I think back to the 1950’s.  Well actually, I think back to movies that take place in the 1950’s, and see teenagers at the drive-in and the malt shop.  There was no coffee for them.  They just went on dates.  I wonder though if dates were not as high pressure.  From what I can tell from older generations, people just dated.  Nothing was necessarily determined pre-date.  Do we overcomplicate dating when we create hierarchies so early on? 

Today, we live in a strange world, where there are pre-dates and musings on “the one.”  To be honest, I have come to blame the courting movement for some of this confusion and anxiety.  I was in a few communities where the implied message was that dating was not great, unless the relationship was very serious (i.e. moving towards marriage).  You just spent times in mixed groups and eventually a guy would start paying more attention to you.  Maybe.  Dating stopped being casual and became tantamount to pre-engagement.  However, we are such complex beings, that I wonder how many of us are really able to determine if a person is “the one” (if there even is a “one”) based on one or two meetings.  The more I become acquainted with my heart, the more I see how messy and changing it is.  I don’t always know what I want.  At least for me, it takes time. 

I don’t think it is possible to complete eradicate the anxiety in dating, without the help of your local pharmacist, but I wonder what it would look like to normalize dating (which I think is happening) so that a date doesn’t necessarily have to equal a serious relationship. 

Being a coffee fan (which the blog has proof of time and time again), I will never pass up an opportunity for coffee, but maybe we can skip the charade and just call it a date.  

First Date

This is a post from a couple of years ago (although I’ve expanded it for this post). I’m reminded of it as a couple of friends are going on first dates…

I have a friend going on a first date this Friday. It's been fun walking through this process with her, evaluating her date's comments, witnessing the anxiety. And of course, the best part, picking an outfit to wear. It's so much more relaxing when you're not the datee. I can sit back, relax and express my inner fashion guru. "Wedge heels are a must!" "And you should tie something in your hair." However, the big question was, where he was going to take her. Tonight our question was answered, a gastro pub. We both agreed it was a good choice. Casual, but fun. Comfort food and a good beer selection. What more could a girl ask for? As a side note, my friend mentioned she was glad he didn't ask her to Red Lobster. Well, that got me thinking about the worst restaurants for first dates. Here's the list we started, with a few additional gems:

-Red Lobster: I don’t remember why this was on the list, but as I’m not a fan of fish it’s definitely a no-go.

-McDonalds: And pretty much any other fast food place, except In-N-Out. I'd let them cater my wedding. 

-Hometown Buffet: What, is your date 70?  Are you eating dinner at 4pm?  As a rule, I’m anti-buffet when it comes to restaurants.  Not just for first dates, but for any eating experience.  I’ve been disappointed way too many times. 

-Norms: I went to eat there once, but saw a rat run out of the kitchen as I was parking my car.  So, unless you’re into rat burgers, don’t go there.

-Sizzler: Funny thing.  When I was a kid I loved Sizzler.  I went there for numerous birthday dinners, where I would eat plateful after plateful of nachos and finish them off with a soft serve sundae.  Now the thought of the restaurant nauseates me. 

-Long John Silver: Fast food fish definitely deserves its own mention. 

-Medieval Times: Unless you both are into Renaissance Faires.  Then, this gets a pass.  Otherwise, I’m pretty sure no woman wants to cheer for fast food knights while eating greasy chicken with her hands. 

-The Waffle House (for my friends in the South): Any place that has jokes about it referencing your server not having teeth while smoking, is probably not the most romantic spot out there. 

-Hooters: Do I really have to explain this one?

-Chuck E. Cheese: If he also has a 1970’s era van and a mustache it might be time to call the authorities.

And possibly the winner:

-Costco food court (or too cheap and goes just for the samples inside): I don't know if this has ever happened, but man, wouldn't that be a great story?  And this is nothing against the Costco food court.  In fact, I’m a fan of the place…in its proper context. 

Best Ironic location:

-Ikea: Ok, so Ikea meatballs may be made of horses, but after seeing 500 Days of Summer it’s become oddly cute and original for a first date (in my mind).  Who doesn’t want to freely run through the Ikea showroom whilst simultaneously creeping out families? 

Dating Response Cards

I have this idea, which I’m convinced will completely alter the way we approach dating. 

The post-date response card

It even has a blank to fill-in the date of the call back

“What is this ‘post-date response card’ that you speak of?” you may be asking.  I’m glad you asked.  Have you ever been on a date which ended with the guy expressing an intention to call you up to do this again, and then he disappeared?  Actually, I’m assuming that most of you have experienced this at some point in your life.  Are you frustrated with the inauthentic line of “Let’s do this again”?  Well, I am.  And the solution came to me suddenly one night: the post-date response card.  At the beginning of the date, you hand the guy two cards.  You explain that there are two responses written on the cards.  One indicates interest, while the other gives a polite “thanks, but no thanks”.  At the end of the date, the guy hands you the card that most accurately represents his sentiments.  Then, you open the card later, once the date has ended. 

No Hard Feelings

OK, I admit that this idea is strange (at the very least).  And I realize that to actually do this would be completely awkward.  I will most likely never hand out these cards, but I wish that I could.  There are all these do’s and don’ts in dating and I’m always confused on how to show interest, yet still be elusive.  I often find myself wishing for clear communication:

“I like you.”

“I do not like you in that way.”

“Thanks for letting me know.  Peace to you.”

I long for these conversations instead of the waiting and wondering that is one of the most common side effects of dating (side effects may also include dry mouth and compulsive gambling, do not date while operating heavy machinery).  I mentioned these cards to a friend and she commented back that it was very un-relational.  I agreed, but expressed that I’d rather get the card, than not hear anything back.

 I hate the unknowing that comes with the dating territory.  The anxiety.  The growing disappointment.  Then, the final realization that he is not calling back.  It sends me into a questioning place, where I start to re-examine what I said, how I responded, even down to what I was wearing.  I walked through this very experience last winter.  I met with him for coffee after talking on the phone and texting a couple of weeks prior to our meeting.  It was one of the few dates that I emerged from thinking “this is what people mean when they say dating is fun”.  I was interested in him and surprisingly found myself flirty (Not one of my top 5 Strengths).  The date ended.  We hugged.  He said the fateful words “let’s do this again”. 

That was the last time I saw him. 

For the first couple of days, I felt secure in the fact that he would call me. I know there are rules as to when to call back (I hear anywhere between 2-4 days).  Then, as it went to 3, 4, 5 days and more, the insecurity set in.  Why isn’t he calling?  Then we hit a week and I knew I wasn’t going to be hearing back.  I was ready with all the excuses.

Maybe he met someone else.

He must not have been good for me.

He did seem like he was trouble.

But, that didn’t make the pain go away.  It just hurt.  I was confused, without the hope of an answer.  I also got angry.  How do you not let the other person know?  Unfortunately, this seems to be part of the dating experience. Blerg!

Somehow, in this place of powerlessness, the idea of these response cards feels like a solution.  If only these cards existed, then the no-call zone would never happen again. 

If only. 

I’m fully willing to admit that these cards are my way of feeling in control.  I long to feel control when the reality is that I ultimately have none.  I cannot make someone call me back.  I cannot force another to communicate in the way I deem appropriate.  I cannot fully understand the male brain. 

But wouldn’t it be great if these cards worked?

Every Pot has its Lid

I have the joy of living with two single women.  Some of my favorite moments with them are when we commiserate about singleness and the woes of dating.  The other night one of my roomies shared a profile she’d come across on a dating site.  As she read this man’s profile it quickly became clear that his life revolved around turtles.  Yes, you heard/read me correctly.  Turtles.  He talked about them in his introduction.  He had pictures of them.  He even listed them as one of the six things he couldn’t live without.  Wow, what do you even say to that?

We had a good laugh.  My roommate mentioned a statement she’d read recently that “every pot has its lid.”  That got me thinking, who would be a good fit for our turtley friend?  I pulled out my chalk board and started writing down some unusual hobbies.  Then, my roommates and I entered into some deep hypothesizing and began to match up our fictional people based on their interests. 

How about a Civil War reenacter with a Renaissance Faire groupie? 

Or perhaps an anime lover with a fantasy writer? 

Maybe a Goth paired up with a Steam Punker?

These explorations are a bit of a hobby of mine.  Perhaps even an unusual one.  I find that the world of dating is a strange one.  The rules in normal life do not apply and I often feel woefully behind on how this all works.  Do I text after a date?  How do I act interested, but not too interested?  Does he really mean he’ll call back if he says he will?  In these moments, creating charts and graphs, or even just talking about how strange dating is, feels somewhat grounding.  For years I was scared to ask these questions.  Now, I’m starting to dip my toe in the stream.  I find that the more I ask these questions, whether with my friends, or here on the blog, the more I find that no one knows what they’re doing.  And that is comforting to me. 

Still.  Some days I get frustrated.  I feel hopeless about finding my lid...Or is it my pot?  The older I get, the more secure I feel in who I am and in my character, and this reality seems to complicate dating even more.  I mean, when I was in my early twenties, I was still figuring out myself.  I was a lot less picky than I am today.  I think it will take a miracle of God for me to get married (although, I think anyone getting together is some sort of miraculous act). 

I was at dinner with a friend last night and we were talking about how much easier it would be if God would just let us know if we’re going to be single for life or if we’re getting married.  Frustratingly, he hasn’t answered that question for either of us.  And part of me gets it.  There is something good about this process of growth that comes through unknowing.  I have to trust in God.  Not that he will undoubtedly provide a husband, but rather that whether it be a single or married life, it is good and offered in loving care to me. 

As I wait, I’m grateful for moments when I can laugh with friends over the oddness that is a dating life.  

Profile in Review

Let me take a minute now to discuss bad profile photos.  There was a time, not too long ago, when you took a photo, finished a roll of film, then took it to get developed.  Sometimes you hit the jackpot and got some great shots.  Other times, your roll was blurry and out of focus, or just didn’t capture a person at his or her best.  Today, we have a wonderful thing called a digital camera.  “But Jen, how does this affect my profile photo?”  I’m glad you asked.  See, upon taking a photo, one can immediately see if it is a good shot.  If your face resembles a demon-possessed girl, then try, try again.  My point is this.  I see so many awful photos on dating sites and all it would take is another shot that is in better light, not out of focus, not cropping out an ex-girlfriend, not you with a creepy stalker expression, etc. One more thing.  Please crop out the toilet in the back ground of your selfie.

So, here is my list of photos to avoid on your online dating profile (note: this list pertains mostly towards men, but don’t worry, a female edition is on its way):

- Blurry photo: I hate when a guy posts a blurry photo…and that's the only photo. In this age of digital technology, how hard is it to take another photo? 

-Awkward animal photos – I appreciate that you are an animal lover, but please avoid the photo of you with a monkey hiding in your jacket.  I am not kidding.  I have witnessed this photo.  It took me a moment until I came across the fact that this guy had a monkey cradled in his wind breaker.  Ask my roommates.  They have seen this photo.  I don’t really need to explain this one, do I?

-Cropped Photo: This beauty of a profile pic occurs when there is a girl obviously cropped out of the photo. Are you trying to tell me that you're desirable? Instead, you look like a player.  Just choose another photo.

-Act your age: Also, it doesn’t bode well for us when you’re profile photo makes you look like Justin Bieber…and you’re in your thirties. 

-Partying/Drinking photos: That’s great that you enjoy a beer every now and then, but posting shots of you getting trashed just aren’t appealing.  Especially on a Christian dating site.  Just saying.  

-Group photo: I dread the group shot.  Especially when a few of the guys look similar or it’s from far away.  Even worse when it’s the only photo on the profile.  Seriously?  Where are you?

-Unusual clothing: You make think it’s hilarious to post a photo of you in a strange outfit or your Star Trek costume.  Think again. Definitely be who you are, but maybe save those photos for later on.

-Head shots: These are mock posed head shots complete with awkward poses.  Seriously, who naturally sits like that?  Olan Mills called and they want their photo back.  Extra points if there is a tacky background.  

-Selfies: I’m not completely opposed to self shots, but they tend to be at awkward angles, poor lighting and out of focus.  Using the mirror in your bathroom just feels lazy.  Ask a friend.  I’m sure they’ll take a photo of you.  But if you must use a selfie, please crop out the toilet in the background.  Again, I have seen this photo on a dating site. 

Final Thoughts: While a photo cannot express all the complexities of a human, they do provide some basic information on a person.  Keep it simple, recent, and close-up.  And be yourself.

Thanks to my brother for allowing these photos of him to be used on the blog.  For your information:

-Most of these were posed

-Sorry ladies, he’s taken by the lovely Alex (who graciously took most of the photos for this post)